ANIMALS [Mitch Grassi fanfiction]

26

If you're scared of the darkness
I will calm your fear
There's a light in the hallway
So you know I'm here

So count your blessings every day
It makes the monsters go away
And everything will be okay

You are not alone
You are right at home
Goodnight

Flashbacks were the most insidious things on the world, Mitch was convinced about that. He could live with the thought of being stalked and abused in the past. What did he do to not deserve that? Why couldn't those memories stay in the past where they belonged? Why was his mind against him?

"Mitch? Mitch, you're zoning out." Scott snapping his fingers brought him back to reality. They were sitting in a restaurant, waiting for their dinner to arrive. Mitch wasn't hungry at all. He took a deeper breath while his gaze swept the room, just to remind himself where he was. Kevin pushed a glass of water closer to him.
"Sorry, I'm just-" He found no words to say. His cheeks were hot from embarrassment and he wrapped his fingers around the glass tightly, now his look strictly focused on the table. "I'm- I don't know."
"Are you feeling okay?" Kirstie asked.

Mitch felt so ashamed.

Something caught his eyes and his stomach dropped. Suddenly Kirstie's concerned voice was muffled by the rhythm of his own heartbeat. He snapped his head automatically towards the black hoodie, his eyes widen but his glance only met the empty space in the doorway. He saw him coming in. He saw him coming in.
"Mitch, you look like you're going to pass out."
He saw him coming in. He saw his figure opening the heavy wooden door, he saw him. Or didn't he? Cause Brett was found nowhere in the room.

He forced out a breath, aggressively tearing his gaze away from the entrance. Obviously, Brett couldn't be there. He was locked away, Mitch reminded himself. He looked back at his friends who were all staring at him.

They've had a rehearsal that day. The first one in a long time. Mitch's therapist advised him to start trying at least one of his hobbies again and Scott was convinced that music could help.

Scott was also convinced of quite many things in the past that weren't exactly true.

Mitch should've been grateful. His friends did their best to support him after everything that has happened. Scott even visited a therapist himself, partly to try helping Mitch more than he was able to. Once Mitch overheard him crying to Mark in the middle of the night, telling him how guilty he felt, and some days after he told Mitch that he had an appointment to a specialist, too. Mark's hand definitely had been in that one, and Mitch was glad the man was able to convince Scott to do something instead of beating himself up in silence.

Beau was already seeing someone, though he was on a break while visiting Mitch in Los Angeles.

And singing again? Mitch couldn't decide yet if it was helpful at all. He was a little shaken up.

A little? He just saw an imaginary Brett entering the restaurant.

His hands were still shaking. Scott put a big palm on his fists, trying to gain Mitch's attention, so the man finally looked. Those eyes felt so familiar. He knew them since their childhood.

Earlier that week he was singing Light in the Hallway after he found Mitch crying in the bathroom. Mitch thought he was home alone, so Scott's sudden presence kind of shocked him, but it surprised both what kind of a calmness that song brought within minutes. It might happen because of all the memories they had connected to that piece.

"Are you going to meet Beau tonight?" Scott spoke again. He didn't let Mitch sinking in his thoughts again. Those blue eyes forced him to keep the contact. Whatever Scott's therapist did to him, it certainly made a good job. Lately he's been so pro in handling him that it was almost bothersome. Mitch didn't need pity. He didn't want to be treated like the weak one anymore.

He just wished his own mind wouldn't make it so damn hard.

"Maybe. He was working today, he must be tired," Mitch shrugged. Scott didn't notice the awkward tone in his voice. He smiled and nodded.

To be fair, Mitch purposefully told Beau to 'take a break if he had a long day'. Mitch knew that he was going to have one and it was a perfect excuse to try and ditch their date night again. He felt horrible, but lately letting Beau touch him felt worse. Being loved by someone suddenly felt terrifying in a way Mitch couldn't even explain.

Technically he was loved by Brett. Some time later he couldn't escape and he nearly died because of the 'love' his stalker felt.

Mitch used to adore cuddling Beau. Now all he felt was fear of being held.

The rose-colored glasses were gone somehow. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. He loved Beau, he was melting by those eyes and his chest pang of emptiness after he was gone. Yet he wished Beau would never touch him again. Never look him in the eye with all that adoration Mitch used to desire.

Some days counting his blessings didn't make the monsters go away.

Moreover, it made Mitch feel like a monster himself.

Was he destined to ruin and lose everything he got?

Their food arrived. He only realized how empty his stomach was after the first bite. The others were all smiling widely, cracking jokes and enjoying the night like everything was right at their place.

***

Singing really helped. Mitch was impressed by how easily he returned to the studio. Months passed after Brett's arrest, and slowly life returned to its rhythm. His parents were back in Texas, he's found a new home closer to Austin's place and they were working on photoshoots again.

Slowly but surely, he felt better. He was a bit more motivated each day and he was finally smiling again. He couldn't be that broken, after all. He was doing quite alright.

And usually that was the time when the flashbacks hit.

He didn't want to do more than plopping on the couch, placing the laptop on his lap and do some peaceful research while listening to the Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify. He should've learned from his mistakes.

The song was only a cover of Every Breath You Take. He immediately switched it off, but it was too late.

Could he ever exist in this world without walking on eggshells?

Sometimes he wondered if the others knew at all that he still couldn't get over Brett. Seemingly he was coping perfectly well. He was laughing, he was working just fine.

Experiencing abuse had a nasty habit of walking hand in hand with shame, Mitch learned. He was physically unable to let the words slip out of his mouth: 'I'm not okay.' It was like admitting Brett that he has won. Besides, he still wasn't convinced that it wasn't all his own fault. After all, he could've done better. He was utterly embarrassed by not being able to control his emotions sometimes.

Several months after Brett was gone, he was left with cheerful friends, many fulfilling hours in the studio, never ending anxiety in his whole body and multiple triggers.

And secrets. Again.

And a whomped relationship because he wasn't able to look someone in the eye anymore and admit that he really was a weak one.

He pulled the soft blanket up on his shoulders. The tears will dry eventually, and he could go out acting like he was doing just fine. Kind of like he did while Brett was still at large. But until that, he could just cry himself to sleep while no one is watching.