Where Am I? (boyxboy)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Emelia

Dawson. He was all I could think about as I lay in my bed. How he had changed. I was still so angry with him. I didn't understand. He didn't even contact me. Then again, why would he? He didn't love me. I was kicking myself for not noticing sooner. How did I not recognize those beautiful, exotic, topaz eyes. That knowing smirk. That familiar grace.

I couldn't blame myself for not knowing. He did hide it well. It also hurt. Didn't he trust me? He came back and befriended me, that must count for something. He always seemed so strong. So put together at school. It was only when we were alone that I truly understood how much pressure he was under. I think his depression started farther back than his parents death. Before all that.

The strive to be perfect is something we easily fall in to. Wanting to be the best. Have everyone like you. Look the part. Get the grades. Have the girl. He wanted it all. To this day I don't really know how it happened. He was always attractive. The little girls in elementary school all chased after him. In middle school they all whispered about him. In high school, they were all in love with him. The boys around him were impressed with his athletic ability, and cool nature. He always had that calm confidence that drew you towards him.

I was just as love struck as the rest of the girl's, the difference was that I actually got him. I was Dawson's first, and last girlfriend. I enjoyed every second of it. I was naïve, and it was only recently that I realized just how friendly his feelings were. It was the little things that I looked back on. The way he kissed me, it was always brief, he never pushed for more like any guy should. At the time I thought it was just because he was scared, now I realize it was because he didn't want to push for more.

When he first showed up at school as Crow, I was immediately drawn to the the same magnetism that he had before. Though something was different about him this time, besides the obvious make-over. There was a darkness in him, that seemed to hide underneath the surface, and that scared me . Something about him was dangerous and it was enticing. Dawson had changed. That was for sure. He was filled with hate, for others, for the world, and for himself.

When he whispered those words to me, after the party, I thought I had dreamed it. Though somewhere inside of me, I just knew that it was real. I had dreamed of Dawson coming back many times. He would show up at my door, that beautiful smile on his face. He would take me into his arms and say, 'Emelia, I'm so sorry for leaving. I'm back now, and I will never leave you again.' I did not expect a guy with black hair, eyeliner and a hell of an attitude.

But that was who he was now. It was hard for me to work everything out over the week I didn't go to school. I didn't believe it. Dawson was dead. Slowly, it all pieced itself together. Those eyes. The way he talked in the cafeteria, the way his face went pale when I told him the story of my boyfriend's 'death'. It all made sense.

I still wasn't ready to believe it.

I told my parents I was sick for that week, and thought about all the memories I had with Dawson, and the pain I felt when I thought he had died. When I realized what he had done, what had happened, I was angry. What normal person wouldn't be? How could he come back here, knowing that we all thought he was dead? How dare he act like my friend, act like he just met me, when he knew almost everything about me. How could I change because of something I thought happened, how could he let me change when he saw how I had changed?

Sometimes I would get the sense he knew more, but that was just the way he had carried himself. He had that secretive look in his eyes, saying 'You'll never know.' Secrets stitched tight behind his careful smirk.

I don't know what stopped me from outing him. I had the full intention to. That day of the assembly, when Dawson walked into class, I wanted to scream at him right there. Because, more than being angry, I was hurt. How could he put me through all this pain. I still don't understand why he did it, he didn't really explain anything when I confronted him after I stormed out. I waited, I waited until I had him squirming in his seat in the assembly. He knew something was going to happen, and that I was going to be the cause.

Somewhere in-between Alec's speech and Crow's pleading eyes, I remembered Dawson for who he was. A boy trying to figure out the world, just like the rest of us. His flaws were his greatest strengths. Alec said Dawson was weak because he cared too much. I don't think that is the case. I think that was what made him strong. Caring for others, is not something that should be looked upon as a weakness. Dawson just forgot to care about the most important person, himself. That's what destroyed him, not caring too much.

My thoughts were interrupted by the distinct Sleeping With Sirens song that was my ringtone. My brow furrowed. It was almost ten, who would be calling me at this hour? Who would be calling me in general? A number I didn't recognize was blinking on the screen of my phone, it was probably one of those telemarketers, but too curious to not answer, I picked up the phone.

I listened quietly for a moment to the rushed words that were being spouted from the person's mouth. My heart stopped beating in my chest. My knees quaked as a sick horror overtook me. No longer able to stand, I collapsed to the ground, dropping the phone as I went. Scratchy sobs broke free from my throat, and the only thing I could think of was,

Why didn't I forgive him sooner?