Where Am I? (boyxboy)

Chapter Sixteen

Finally we've reached the fated day of the assembly! I can't wait- Oh just read it!

*****

Monday really gets a kick out of making everyone miserable. Today was the day. The school sent out an email to parents for all the students to wear black today. It didn't make a difference to me, I always wore black. The memorial was today, as was my birthday, the third birthday without my parents. I'm eighteen now, a legal adult.

I don't feel any different.

"Dawson? Are you sure you want go today?" Aunt Raven fussed in front of me. Luckily she didn't know anything about my excursion into the city, and I'd like to keep it that way. Then again, I didn't know much about it either. I had figured I had been drugged at some point, other than that, that was all I knew.

"How many times have I told you not to call me by that name." I stated, more reprimanding than asking a question. Aunt Raven rolled her eyes, before they flickered back to my face, brown depths filled with concern. She reached for me, before she could get any contact I brushed her off, ducking behind her. "I'm fine. It's just an assembly." I said, voice flat.

The whole situation was amusing if anything. These people were incredibly stupid if they believed I was dead from just a text message. Not one of them was even the least bit curious to get the whole story? That seemed like bull. There had to be some reporters that looked in to something like that. It is hard to believe that they would let the subject drop with just a text message as evidence. A realization hit me like a stab in the gut. Maybe, I just wasn't that important to these people as I had thought. Something inside me sunk at the realization, and I couldn't figure out why. I was missing something here. Something big. I'd have to ask Noah about it.

Striding out the door, I didn't listen to Aunt Raven's protests and ignored her insistence on me wearing a jacket. She would make a good mother one day. And forget all about you. I growled at the thought. Then the pain hit.

My hands started to shake, there was a twisting in my core. Like my insides were being harvested. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was done with the pain, so why now? My whole body shook, and it wasn't because of the cold. My thoughts were turning dark again. The images that danced behind my lids were marred with blood. Sadness. Suffering. Death. It hurt.

I didn't choose to be this way. With shaking hands I could barely light my cigarette. Once lit, I sucked in the smoke desperately. Needing to feel the familiar sting in my lungs. Needing the calming effect of the nicotene. Though it didn't seem to make a difference. My whole body was quaking with pent up energy. My arms tingled, calling for a release. I flipped the switch. How was this happening?

Dazed, I could only stand, staring into space, waiting for the shivers that wracked my body to cease. As the pain subsided I was left with emptiness. The hollow feeling made me feel cold. I was a shell of myself. A painted on mask, with nothing behind it. Something was very wrong with me. I shouldn't even care. But I did.

All these people were mourning, someone who wasn't even dead. Surely they would be furious if they found out I was alive, standing right under their noses. Coach was probably angry that I was letting them have this little ceremony. The cracks in my armor were becoming gaping fissures. I didn't think I could hold on the my apathy much longer. Why? Why was this happening? I shouldn't be feeling guilt. I shouldn't be feeling at all! The switch was flipped off! Even as I thought it, I knew that something had changed inside me since I came back.

I couldn't just flip the switch anymore. There were too many people who had gotten close to me for me to push them aside. I knew I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't use Alec. I couldn't manipulate Noah. I couldn't stop caring about Emelia. I was weak. I was vulnerable. Because I cared too much.