Where Am I? (boyxboy)

Chapter Fifteen

I don't know how I can be surrounded by people, and still feel all alone. That's how it is though, I'm outside of the glass, floating through life, but not living. There's a difference between being and living. To live your life, it's actually surprising how many people don't, is to take full advantage of the oppertunities given to you.

I don't think I've ever lived my life. The combination of hiding behind popularity, and who I am now, I've never really got the chance to. But, that didn't bother me, not now anyway. That's why I didn't care where I was, grinding up against some girl. I didn't care about the loud blaring music and the flashing lights. I had gathered I made it to a club in the city. I wasn't really sure how. My memory was foggy.

I just wanted to feel. I know that sounds completely contradictory to what I just did, to what I wanted before. I didn't want to feel I wanted to feel control, the darkness took me, so the darkness I became. I wanted to feel like I was inside the glass, even for a moment, which is why I planned to break someone. I didn't give damn who, I needed control.

Yes, I'm sick.

Yes, I'm cruel.

Part of me loves every second of it. I've locked myself away. The real me, think of it like a complete personality switch. The switch flips off, you get cold, uncaring, cruel, Dawson. The switch flips on, you get the somewhat likeable, rather depressed, over-protective Dawson. I don't know which was better for me at the moment. All I could feel was this girl against my body. That's all I wanted to feel.

To be ensnared by physical sensations. To lose myself in pleasure. To feel control. I want someone to want me, more than I want them. Everyone wants to feel loved. I didn't want to feel loved, I wanted to feel powerful. I wanted someone to be begging for me, to look at me with pleading eyes, then I would smile. Not a happy smile. A smile laced with a malicious intent, and then I would rip their heart out and tear it to shreds.

I have always drawn people to me. There is something alluring about a damaged person. People feel the need to fix you. I can not be fixed. You're only going to get hurt trying. At one point I used my magnetic personality to help people, but it's a double edged sword. The world is a game. People like me, who live outside, wiped of emotion, we control the pieces. There is a way to manipulate anyone and everyone. With calculated eyes, I find their weakness, with a perceptive being I rope them in, with a cold heart I throw them away.

I have always known exactly what to say, when to say it. As Dawson I played these games. As Crow I join the game again. I know how to use someone's weakness against them. I'm not talking about something as petty as blackmail, I'm smarter than that. I make sure I seep into their very being, and lead them where I want them. I don't need to knock people off the chess board, it's much easier to get others to do it for me. Human behavior never ceases to amaze me. The cruel selfishness of it all.

I danced in a fierce sensuality, drawing the eyes of several. Looking around the room, I finally spotted him. The one I would take tonight. He looked older than me, probably in college. With windswept strawberry blond hair and dark brown eyes, he wasn't built. He was tall and wiry, and those deep brown eyes seemed to follow my every move. He must not be from around here if he's looking at me so openly. I didn't care. I smiled a devilish smirk, drawing him in with promising amber eyes.

He nodded his head to the side, gesturing for me to follow. I quickly pushed the girl aside gently, earning me a shocked glare, which only made me smirk with amusement.

"You do realize you've been dancing with a gay guy this entire time?" I whispered sadistically. Her eyes widened, before disgust entered her, realizing she had humiliated herself. Her cheeks going red, she spun on her heels and stormed off, making me chuckle. Finally I headed towards the exit, where I saw blondy depart.