Where Am I? (boyxboy)

Chapter Eighteen

Since you've all been so supportive I've decided to update today. It isn't edited so forget any spelling errors. Please keep voting, commenting and giving your support, it is so very much appreciated.

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I didn't know how long I had sat there before he finally found me. It hadn't sunk in yet. I had sex with Alec, while we were both under the influence. Not one of my shining moments. The more shocking revelation was that I was bottom. I was never bottom. I liked to be in control. I was the one who was supposed to make him moan. Make him beg for me. It was not supposed to happen like that.

I gave him credit though. I had felt no pain the following day, I hadn't even realized I had sex. Suddenly angry, more embarrassed than I'd like to admit, I had half a mind to find that blue eyed tease and beat that beautiful face until it was black and blue.

The situation with Emelia was momentarily forgotten, the feelings that would paralyze me were replaced with a misdirected fury. I did not like being made a fool of, and that's how I felt. That night was supposed to relieve me, not put me in a compromising situation with Alec. I hung my head, resting my elbows on my knees to rub a hand over my face, careful not to disrupt my eyeliner.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes." Alec said teasingly, looking at me with a slight smirk on his face. His eyes didn't match his happy demeaner, they shone with sadness and swirled with betrayal. Today must be incredibly hard for him. I only stared at him, suddenly hopeful that we didn't have sex at all. He hadn't mentioned anything.

"We had sex." I blurted out simply. So much for tact. Alec looked at me, his cheeks dusting with pink. Running his hand through his hair he let out a nervous chuckle.

"I was kind of hoping we would just forget that." He said, having the audacity to look guilty. Though looking at him now, I couldn't stay angry, it was something about him that made me weak. I didn't like it one bit. Instead of taking my secret embarrassment out on him, I rolled my eyes instead, suddenly feeling at peace.

The calm feeling wouldn't last long but I relished in it. There were short periods of time when I felt this way. It was a different kind of detatchment, not the bad kind. It was stepping away from your problems for a while and letting yourself take a break. Something about Emelia finally knowing my identity was a huge weight off of my shoulders. She was important to me and I didn't want to lie to her anymore.

My switch had blown out. It could no longer be used. Again I was riddled with emotions, good and bad, but it was moments like these that made it all worth while. I didn't like always being cold, not caring. It was lonely, and I often missed myself when I was in those periods of indifference. Although the guilt of what I had done in the time when the switch was flipped would be carried with me for years to come.

I didn't think rationally like that. Although I thought I was looking at things logically, I was limited to the ever present need to destroy myself, to take away my own happiness. I was always a fan of my own self destruction. Shifting on his feet Alec looked around me, his eyes clouded with a far off memory. Snapping out of his daze he looked at me, a nervous smile creeping on his face.

"What are you doing out here?" He asked, probably of lack of anything better to say. Again, I rolled my eyes, scoffing lightly.

"What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be inside, there's another whole hour left of the assembly." I stated, letting the least bit of sadness ebb into my voice. I looked up to see that Alec hadn't noticed, much to my relief. He shrugged, unwilling to answer my question.

"What happened in the city?" I asked shortly, looking at him with narrowed honey colored eyes. Alec's brow furrowed, his lips pressing into a thin line.