Gem in the Rough

Chapter 13

My mouth goes dry, not expecting to have to ask him anything. I've known him all of a week, but I already know I have to be careful about what I say due to his mood swings.

"I can see the fear on your face. Am I really that scary?" Kieran laughs, attempting to break the tension.

"A little. I just won't want you to run away again."

Kieran moves closer to me, taking his free hand and wrapping it around my middle, in a way that I'm comfortable with this time since it's covered by my clothing. "I won't," he whispers.

I takes a deep breath and think about what I really want to know. First of all, why was he so moody? Why did he look at me and get lost sometimes? Why does he constantly rile me up and then leave? Why are his eyes so blue and why is he so sexy? Ugh. Now he's staring at me waiting for me to speak and I can't even think.

"Why are your eyes so blue?" I blurt, my face warming.

Kieran's eyes widen with humor. "Uh, genetics?"

My palm meets my forehead. "Sorry, that just came out. I panicked."

"No worries. It's a lot of pressure. So, I'm guessing you want to know why I keep running away? We can just get right down into it. I kind of have to go all or nothing with this."

I nod in anticipation, "Please."

He brings his hand to my lower back and starts. "This is hard for me to talk about, but for some reason I know I can trust you. I feel like it's right that I tell you, and kind of feel like I need to tell you right now. So, here we go."

He takes a minute to take some deep breaths and then continues. "I had a best friend named Jillian. We were raised a couple blocks away from each other; I had known her since I was two years old because our parents were friends. We were in the same grade, went to the same schools, and we had all the same friends.

"Even when we grew out of relationships with other people, we didn't grow out of each other. Jillian was carefree but also such a planner. Her calendar was color coded." Kieran laughs and brushes his hair out of his eyes before continuing, still touching my back, like he needs me there to ground him.

"Jillian and I went to concerts together, went through breakups and through high school together. At least until senior year. Jillian got involved with this guy, Brendon. I didn't approve, not like that mattered. I thought it would, but Jillian wasn't the same after she started hanging around him. She was distant from me and told me that I didn't know what love was, that I didn't know how it was to be so consumed by someone, that I didn't know what she was going through." Kieran gives me a look, letting me know he seems to know a little bit more now. I blush.

"What happened?"

"Jillian had been dating Brendon for six months and it went downhill so fast. I tried to stop it; I really did." Kieran's eyes exude panic and begin to glaze over, his words start coming out faster.

"Jillian and I got into a fight about how I didn't think he was good for her. He was always drinking. I guess I should mention he was in college and able to drink legally. She had never been one to drink until she met him. Jillian didn't like when I talked to her about him. She said I was jealous and that I thought I was better than her. I didn't," he gasps for breath, " I didn't think I was better."

Kieran collapses onto the floor to his knees, his face in his hands. I follow him, hugging his back while he sobs. I can already tell where this story is going, and I can tell how broken this makes him feel. I rub his back, attempting to calm his shaking body. I wasn't expecting him to be this vulnerable right away, but this is making a lot more sense now. "Take your time," I comfort him.

"I have to finish, or I'll never get it out," he sniffles and continues. "We had been out to eat at our place, a diner in town, and the topic of Brendon came up. I didn't want to fight about it, but I wanted to let her know how concerned I was. She looked like she hadn't been sleeping and she had been losing weight. I thought the diner would be a good idea because it was our place.

"Jillian got so mad; madder than I'd ever seen her. She called Brendon to pick her up and he just so happened to be a block over at a bar. I could hear him on the phone, and he was clearly drunk. I don't know why she got in that car with him, Gemma. I don't know why."

Kieran gets up from the floor and begins to pace again, hugging himself. I watch him going across the floor as tears well up in my eyes.

"I watched her do it. I didn't stop her. I tried but she wasn't listening, she was already so mad at me. The last thing I said to her was about her stupid ass boyfriend. He killed her that night. The asshole drove into a tree. So cliche, right?" He huffs, his tears clearing and anger taking over.

"Brendon survived but Jillian didn't, and nobody has seen him since. How fucked up is that? What's more fucked up is that I've been burying my feelings with alcohol. The thing that killed her. Maybe it's a way to feel closer to her, I don't know. All I know is I haven't been the same since. I haven't let anyone in. Until now. Until you." He stops, staring at me as I still sit on the floor. He goes to his knees in front of me again.

I don't even know what to say. I see so much pain in his eyes. "Why me?"

Kieran's next words take me by surprise. "You remind me of her."

Say what now?

"When I first saw you, I thought you were so beautiful. I didn't even know how to act. I haven't been close to anyone and haven't wanted to be since Jillian died almost three years ago. The way you talk and the way you act, so confident in yourself. But you also have those anal tendencies," he chuckles. "I see the best parts of her in you. That probably sounds weird, but it's the truth. I know we barely know each other but I want to know you. I understand if you don't want to talk to me after I've told you this. It's a lot an-."

"Stop, Kieran." I move to sit on my knees, matching his stance. My palms find their way to his red cheeks, my thumbs brushing the drying tears away. His hair is disheveled, and his eyes are tired, but he's still beautiful. "I appreciate you telling me. I can see how much it hurts you and how much strength it took for you to tell me."

Honestly, it's kind of weird knowing that I remind him of her, but at the same time it's flattering. To know that I remind him of someone he used to be so connected to. His mood swings are more understandable now. He was fighting with himself on if he should open up to me or not. I'm glad this side of him won.

I feel Kieran taking slow, deep breaths to calm himself. His hands move to my wrists, holding them like a vice.

"I'm scared," he admits.

"So am I."