Gem in the Rough

Chapter 49

Dear Journal,

I saw Gemma again today. She looks so lost and unhappy. Like she's not living and just going through the motions. I want to reach out to her, tell her that I exist, but I can't get myself to. I don't want her in the middle of my mess. I don't want her to find out what I know now, how our mother and her father split us apart. It would be too much pain for her to bare, and I can't be the cause of it.

I want to be selfish. I want to run to her and tell her everything. How I'm dying inside not being able to be with her. How Kieran and I are drifting apart because of this secret that I'm holding onto like a vice. If I have to feel like this so she doesn't have to, then I'll do it.

I never really understood much about sacrifice. How it feels to have to give up your own happiness for someone else's, until now. What hurts most is that I know she's not happy anyway, but there's nothing I can do to make it better.

One thing I've thought of doing is having Kieran go to her, playing it off like she's my doppelganger that I saw one day at the mall or something. See if he can get her to smile and then we can go from there. We could meet, and slowly unfold the truth. That's just a fantasy.

My situation with Brendon is getting worse. We're drinking all the time and I'm losing weight. I can't eat and I can barely sleep. I feel like a zombie. The last thing on my mind is taking care of myself and getting out of the relationship. That's too much work, too much effort put into caring. I'm also scared of what he'll do if I break up with him. He has a violent streak and I'm not proud of myself for letting him man-handle me the way he does.

Kieran is so worried. He's been trying to help, telling me that I deserve better and that I'm changing. He wants to be there for me and I'm not letting him. I want to so badly, but he's going through enough. I don't want him caught up in this too. I've brought enough issues into his life. I've been pushing him away on purpose, to get him away from the nasty gossip in this town. He doesn't deserve to be brought down with me. He deserves more than I could ever give him.

This may be my last entry, Journal. At least to you. I want to write to my sister. And to Kieran. I want to explain to them how I feel about them and hope that one day we can all be together. That they will find each other if anything happens to me. I have a feeling something is going to happen, and I don't want to leave the world without leaving a trace of me behind for them to hold onto.

Until we meet again.

Jillian

--

The last entry in the fourth journal leaves us both speechless. Unsure of what to say, I place the journal into the box and grab the last one. Number five. I know what I'll find in there and I'm not sure Kieran is ready to move forward. He's sitting beside me on the couch, where we migrated after last night's sleepover in my bed.

It's mid-afternoon now, and I know Alice will be home soon. I rise from where I'm sitting, grasping Kieran's hand, and dragging him to my room, leaving the box of other journals on the coffee table. We'll need privacy for this.

I shut my door behind us, my grip still on Kieran, and go to the bed. Once we're settled in the blankets, I sigh. Kieran hasn't said a word.

"Are you ready for this?" I whisper, afraid of speaking too loudly.

There's a long pause.

"I think so," he exhales heavily, running a hand through his hair. "Apparently Jillian was a psychic or something. Or she could just feel things really deeply. It's kind of scary. I want to read what she wrote though."