Gem in the Rough

Chapter 50

I'm still trying to process the letters Jillian wrote to us when Kieran wakes up a few hours later. Alice got home a little after he fell asleep, so I texted her to let her know we're here but need some time.

"I'm sorry I keep napping on you. I'm just so tired." I know he means more than physically.

His soft voice soothes me, taking me out of my thoughts.

"Don't apologize. I like holding you while you sleep. You look peaceful. You deserve some peace."

Kieran looks up at me, a sad smile on his face. We gaze at each other lovingly until he breaks the silence.

"So, those letters were interesting."

"They were. I really think she must have been psychic. Or she's just the world's greatest matchmaker, even beyond the grave." I make this joke hoping to lighten the mood. I think that it may have been a mistake until Kieran finally laughs.

"Something like that." He pauses, rubbing my arm that lies on his chest. "She was always really spiritual, believed in things like soulmates, auras, feelings that she'd get. She didn't really share a lot of it, but I know that she had strong feelings about a lot of things. I guess I never paid too much attention because I didn't believe in it, but I think I'm starting to trust it more and more. It's just mindboggling how she could sense these things. About us, about something happening to her. I wish I would have listened to what she was trying to tell me, been less upset about Brendon and more focused on what was causing her to act out."

I think carefully about what I want to say, all of this being so unusual and out of my comfort zone.

"I've never really been religious or thought much about this type of thing to be honest," I respond, touching his cheek. "I think there's something out there, bigger than us. Maybe it's Jillian. Or your mom. Or something else entirely. I'd like to think the people that we love that are gone, are always with us somewhere, somehow. The way Jillian wrote about you and me, us, makes me believe in these phenomena even more. But it doesn't really matter what I believe, because I know who we are and what our relationship is. It's meant to be and somehow, she knew.

"It's incredible, but let's not overthink it. Let's accept it. And let's accept that this wasn't your fault, Kieran. She didn't want to tell you and it happened, and it's terrible. But she's gone. We're here. She'll always be a part of us, but she'd want us to move on and be happy. I think we can start doing that now, together."

My words rest thick in the air. Maybe I'm forcing something to happen too quickly because it's still so fresh. Maybe he's not ready and willing to forgive himself. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want to move on from this because he needs someone to blame.

"You're right."

Kieran rises from my lap and turns to face my direction, his legs crossing in front of me.

"Jillian would want us to heal. She'd want you to repair and rebuild your relationships with your parents. And she'd want us to live 'happily ever after'." He smiles down at our entwined hands. "I want us to have that."

"Me too." We sit, processing everything in silence.

The stillness is broken when we hear a knock on the door.

"Come in," I answer, just loud enough for Alice to hear.

The door swings open slowly, and she steps in, hesitant and unsure about what she's about to walk into.

"Sorry to bother you, but I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Kieran and I nod in her direction, then I take a deep breath and start to give her the SparkNotes version of what we read in the journals. Then I let her read the last one with the letters Jillian wrote. When she's done reading, there are tears in her eyes. I beckon her to give me a hug and she complies.