A Dream come true

Dan's POV

"Phil!" I shout as I stroll into his room as if it were my own, "I'm filming a video so just don't interrupt, okay?"

"Yeah okay," he mumbles as though he hasn't heard what I'd said.

Even with the current tension that resides upon our every move this is something I would have to film alone anyways. Despite us usually always needing each others support in our YouTube careers this isn't a funny video or a creative idea; it's me exposing myself.

I hadn't yet deduced if I was actually ready to reveal myself to the internet or if I was feeling pressured after the thing between Phil and I. Either way, this had to happen sooner or later and if not now, I don't think I'd ever be pumped up with enough adrenaline to do this ever again. Sure, Phil had had a warm and loving response from the entire community (excluding the few assholes) but as a whole everyone had been great about it. So I guess, subconsciously I knew this would go okay in the long run. However, there was a niggling feeling that because I was second out of 'Dan and Phil' to do this people might take things the wrong way. Believe me I'm hoping as much as them that the next announcement on the internet we make together and it's something fucking dumb to announce our relationship. But, I can't let that distract me from what is currently going on. Evidently there wasn't going to be any romantic proposals anytime soon so I needed to focus on the now and concentrate less on the later.

Placing up my camera equipment in my usual setup I felt the nerves bubble in my stomach and rise up making my mouth dry. I swallowed hard and tried to think like this of a normal video. It's no different to my normal layout. There's the point of the video, the rambling in the middle and the profound bullshit conclusion to top it all off. Except this time it wasn't bullshit. It was my candid confession and me fucking pouring my heart out in the form of barley formed sentences that were overflowing with a anxious tone. This was me revealing myself to four million people on the internet. And no matter how much I tried to kid myself, that was the daunting truth.

"Hello internet, so today's video is a little bit different. As you've probably noticed from the title of the video this is indeed a coming out video," I spat out my words as if they were poison lining my lips, needing to be expelled from my mouth as fast as possible.

I inhaled through my nose and exhaled loudly out of my mouth.

"I am-," I paused.

Once I've said it, I've said it. Projecting your thoughts makes them real. It makes the visible, almost as if when they're in your subconscious they're just floating ideas but the second they're spilled past your lips the form in front of you in a solid form. They'll be out in the open for ever. I could not even post this video but as long as I've said those three words, it'll be out in the open. This is something I need to do.

"I am gay."

I said it. Those actual words escaped my own mouth. The words I've denied for so long. The words that I felt uncomfortable to say in front of my parents and my best friend because I doubted they would accept me. Despite my fucking best friend being gay as well. I guess, there'll always be that niggling pain at the back of my head, setting off flashing alarms to say that this is something that shouldn't be shared. It is frowned upon. It is shamed. It is not something to reveal.

But I just did. I said it.

"And that's okay. In 2015 should we really be judging people on which gender they prefer? Should we be teaching today's youth the their is only one way to be and that straight is the default setting? The answer to that is no. Just because I like men does not mean I am any less of one. Just because I am gay does not make me insufferable to be around and possessed by the devil. This is me. The real me and if you don't like it or are finding it impossible to comprehend then fuck off because I spent my entire childhood and early adult years thinking I was some sort of mistake or genetic failure. But none of that is true. I'm just as worthy as anyone to be living the life I do. So, if you are one of those homophobic assholes then try to change yourself not the people around you. You're the one who is disgusting not us. When you spread love, you get it in return so be a little more accepting and everything will be okay."

I seemed to be fluently speaking my unplanned words. It just came to me. Probably because every word was the full and whole truth. It was all completely honest and it had been brewing in my mind for so long that when I got the platform and the opportunity to explain all my thought there had been an uncontrollable amount of sentences formed in such a short space of time I was unsure if anything I said was easily decipherable or if it was all just babble.

***

A loud knock projected its self around the room, swiftly followed by Phil saying, "Dan, can I come in?"

I nodded briefly before realizing that he obviously couldn't see and just replied with a simple, "yeah."

The door swung open and revealed Phil standing awkwardly with his hands in his pockets in his usual odd fashion. He was still wearing his pyjama bottoms and a simple grey T-shirt. His glasses were hanging off his face at a funny angle and god he looked so beautiful. But I needed to focus. This was a serious time.

"Um, are you okay? It's just I listened to your video. You sounded upset and I wanted to make su-"

"You listened in?" I asked shocked.

"Well yeah, nothing unlike what we usually do, is it?" he replied casually.

"Did you not hear me when I asked you not to disturb me? Or did I need to rephrase it as don't be a nosy asshole?" I said raising my voice and anger bubbling through my tone.

"Of course I heard you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, that thing that best friends are supposed to do, look out for each other," he retorted.

"What about that other thing best friends are supposed to do? What was it? Oh yeah, respect each others fucking privacy when they ask for it!" I shouted with a mixture of sarcasm and fury.

"Sorry, I'll just go then, shall I?" he asked rhetorically as he turned to leave the room.

"Yeah, you fucking should."

As soon as the door slammed shut, the rush of adrenaline that had pounded through me and spurred me on had suddenly left. And in a matter of seconds tears were rushing down my face and regret was seeping through me. In all fairness he shouldn't have intruded but then again he wasn't wrong when he said it was what no different to what usually happens. Granted, the majority of the time the other is in the room but its never unheard of for us to sit behind the door in a desperate attempt to catch the words the other is saying. I guess it was always a reassurance thing. After all, he inspired me to make videos so I usually wanted to make him hear them and reassure me they were good. But did he have a right to eavesdrop on something as big and intimate as me coming out? Despite me never straight up saying that was the orientation of the video, I knew in the running up days I had mad it pretty obvious that that was the next video on my agenda. I think I even left my video to do list on the counter so he would purposefully read it.

How can we ever make amends of our relationship (whatever type of weird relationship it is) if we're constantly screaming at each other and being untrustworthy.

A/N-- Okay well they spoke to each other, not very nicely but there was words and Phil was concerned. So who's side are you on? Should Phil have eavesdropped or was Dan right to flip da fuck out. I don't even know myself but whatever yeah fun. To get in the deep and meaningful mood I needed to write this I was listening to sad music but that resulted in me lying face down on my bed crying to fucking Sam Smith so you better appreciate the literal tears I shed over this. Well, not this in particular but it was a fucking emotional song. Okay, well I hope you enjoyed this and a happy and wonderful Pancake day to you all. I hope Delia Smith guides you to make delicious goldeny brown lovliness that you enjoy shoving in your mouth hole. Okay, BYEEEEEEE.