A Dream come true

Dan's POV

"No! That's not right! That's not right!"

"John, calm down" Phil's mum said, her voice laced with authority.

"No, I will not bloody calm down!" He screamed standing up from his chair and squaring his stance. His eyes were locked with Phil's but I could tell he was looking straight past him. "What did I do to deserve this? I did everything, EVERYTHING right and I'm given a son who likes men! YOU DISGUST ME!"

Tears pricked in my eyes as the wounds in my heart seemed to be cut deeper and deeper-- words John wasn't even aiming at me but nevertheless each one felt like a razor blade attacking my skin. However, I quickly composed myself. This was for Phil. I can not let him see me like this.

I glanced over to him and one look at him was enough for me decide my next move. I saw his eyes filling with tears and spilling over onto his checks. His head dropped and his eyes fixated on the floor. It was obvious his fathers sudden outburst had torn him apart and he was clearly letting his fathers words fly around his head and slash and his subconscious.

Before I'd even fully thought out a reaction I was up on my feet and in a stance I'd seen people do on TV but never actually performed myself. The one where they square there shoulders and place their feet in an equidistant formation to their shoulders. I was breathing heavily and coiling in my body was a mix of chemicals and emotions.

"Get the fuck out of my house! If you don't accept your child and love him unconditionally no matter what then get the FUCK out of here!" I screamed, surprising even myself with the fact I'd managed to get a coherent sentence out.

However, John seemed to decide it was best to piss off quickly and shouted back, "Gladly!"

He then stormed off and slammed the door so loud the noise rattled inside my ears long after it had stopped.

"I am so sorry Phil," Phil's mum said softly trying to comfort him.

His gaze remained on the floor and I watched as his eyes cried waterfalls and my heart broke more and more each second. I couldn't take the tension-- I had to hug him and when I did it felt like he was comforting me a lot more than I was comforting him. His face was nuzzeled into my neck and every sob he gave out rattled through my body and left cracks in my heart. Before I'd even realised I was crying, I noticed the small pool of tears now on Phil's shoulder- I felt kind of awkward for crying over this but I couldn't help it. When people hurt Phil, it hurts me.

*might be trigger warning for some people, sorry*I don't want to love him-- I really don't... but I don't want to leave him. Every moment I spend with him is a mixture of heavan and hell. He makes me smile when I don't even feel like smiling. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He makes me better when I just want to get worse. There's been days where I've debated hanging up a rope and ending it all. This nightmare life I am living could be over with a mouthful of pills. I could slit my wrists and watch the blood run down my arms as I imagine how much better this bitter world will be without me. I can't even recall the ammount of times I've wondered how much better the world would be if I left; how many times I've had a pen and paper ready to write my last goodbye is tear stained ink-- but he'd always pop into my mind. Last minute-- it was always him. He'd saved me in so many ways, and he didn't even know. I'd never told him that just picturing his adorable face was what had saved me from running away from my problems in so many ways. If there's one thing I've learnt is that running away does nothing because problems follow you no matter where you go. I've stayed here. I've stopped running. Although sometimes I wish it was over, I know that leaving this world would be my biggest fuck up. And I knew a lot about fuck ups. I was one. I was gay; my parents were raging homophobes who would obviously never accept me-- fuck up. I was never capable of pleasing anyone in anything I did, not my teachers, not my family and not my friends-- fuck up. But giving up in any situation no matter how bad it was would always be my biggest fuck up. Not being born different. Not being no good at school. Not being able to please my parents with the job I currently have. It would always be giving up.

"It's going to be all okay." I whispered, although if I was convincing Phil or myself I will never know.

A/N-- Ah okay emotional. I was looking at fetus Phan tumblr posts like the one where they said "i <3 dan" and "i <3 phil," literally killed me so okay yeah sorry I went all emotional and shit but I just felt like there was a lot I needed to put in that and ngl I sorta poured my entire heart into that whole emotional part. I am so so sorry if any part of it triggered anyone or if anyone even fully felt like it was describing them but if it did know that you are loved and even though I've made it sound like it in there then just remember that even without that special someone you're still amazing and beautiful. Okay sorry for emotion but I'm having an emotional week I'm allowed that okay. Hope you enjoyed the chapter and yeah okay bye.

Also Connor Franta came out and that was amazing so this one's dedicated to being yourself so holla bc I'm pansexual and I'm out and loving it