A Dream come true

Dan's POV

2 weeks since my coming out video and 2 weeks of practical silence between Phil and I. It was getting to the point where every time our gazes locked my eyes would well with tears and I'd have to leave before I demonstrated any emotion. I didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to admit that deep down my soul was being torn apart more and more every second of excruciating silence that passed over us. Neither of us had filmed any videos but we'd both done live shows. But, (like always) someone had always asked where Phil was and as we were pretending everything was okay on the internet I had to answer it. I swallowed hard to be sure my voice didn't crack and just briefly dismissed it with "just in his room, on the internet probably" and move on swiftly as possible. I really needed to speak to him but didn't know if I had the courage to pursue the many possible scenarios my mind had created when I was lying in the blissful darkness of 2am with my eyes wide and fixated on the ceiling. I'd actually considered texting him from the next room over just so I didn't have to deal with the whole face to face thing.

I usually had no problem forcing my nonsensical rambles on topics I felt strongly about to people on the Internet and yeah, I'd shed a tear or two in public over a book or a film. it's just when it came to my own real life problems I didn't know how to address them correctly. I think it's because when you articulate problems into words and share them with others they become more than thoughts, explaining yourself requires actions and that means you have to bring you worries into the real world and that had always been difficult for me. Mainly because the boys in my school were all morally against owning feelings and just dealt with their issues by repressing them, that's just how I'd learnt how to handle things and that's how I still do.

***

Phil, we need to talk

I stared at the text message I'd brought up so much courage to type and contemplated if I should actually hit send. I'd decided that the best way to go about it was to message him first and then if he acknowledged me, I'd go and chat face to face; that way I don't have to be face to face rejected but I could actually have a decent conversation if it came to it. However, I'd stared at the screen for no long the words on it no longer seemed like a decipherable sentences but instead they were pixels forming symbols that meant nothing. My hand hovered over the send button, trembling uncontrollably and acquiring sweat on my palms as my nerves heightened.

Fuck, pull yourself together Dan.

But I just couldn't to collect myself. My breathing picked up and my eyes flickered shut as I tried to inhale and exhale in a rhythmic pattern. My hands (still shaking) felt awkward and out of place as I held my phone.

You can do this.

But I knew I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to press send I just couldn't-

"Shit..." I shouted, "no come back, come back, please fuck no!"

I begged my phone to return the message but it had already gone, whizzed away with millions of electrons and was sure to make its way to Phil's phone.

"Stupid, fucking, shaking hands!" I shouted as I threw my phone to the opposite end of the bed and stared at the culprits of this mess.

If only I'd calmed myself soon, my hand wouldn't of hit that send button and I wouldn't be in this mess. Why had I had to be so concentrated on making amends anyways? Why had I typed the message in the first place? God! I was so fucking stupid sometimes!

***

The quiet knock at the door startled me but it was more of a relief than anything else. After about 15 minutes of just sat crossed legged on my bed with my head in my hands and chocking back tears, I guessed human company would be a good thing. However, the circumstances made it pretty fucking difficult. What was I supposed to say? Would he think that because I sent that text I would initiate actual conversation? Because despite me having played out the situation about 100 times, when it came down to it, none of them seemed like the right way to say things now. All my thoughts were just jumping and hoping around my brain but refused to recollect themselves into understandable sentences. Plus, I felt like I had so much in my mind that it couldn't all be fit into one conversation alone.