A Dream come true

Dan's POV

Venturing to the shops gave me a lot of time to attempt to clear my head. However, clearing was not occurring; I was more overthinking.
Phil was gay? Phil, was gay! Phil way gay...
I wasn't against it (us not being so different after all) it was just his coming out had triggered a lot of unwanted thoughts that had been previously discarded into the abyss of unwanted ideas.
Me and him; we could be a thing. He may actually like me. All this time, hoping he'd noticed the changes I'd made for him to find me attractive; he could have noticed.

Not only was I swimming in ecstasy but I was hit with a sudden wave of confusion. I was almost doubtful Phil liked me but that didn't mean I couldn't hold onto the hope that he might.

He might even notice you more if you accept yourself and come out of the fucking closet.

A mist of emotions intoxicated me and I had no idea what to feel!
Joy that Phil had come out.
Worry that he'd found someone else.
Confusion why he hadn't said earlier; he'd said he'd had relationships with girls in the time that we'd known each other.
Disappointment in myself for not being able to get up the courage to come out first.

Arriving at the shop I was barley even paying attention when I bumped into someone. In the hast I was momentarily blinded by my messy curls falling into my eyes and when I swept my fringe to the side I could see the most joyful smile on the girls face. Why would she be happy about literally just smashing faces with me?

Oh-- maybe she's a subscriber.

It's not that I have anything against meeting subscribers, after all that's how I met Phil and that was the most important point of my life. And without subscribers I wouldn't be able to do the job that I love.

It's just I look like utter shit right now and she may ask for a photo and then it will be revealed how crap I look.

"Are you?" She asked the incomplete sentence in a barely audible voice before building up confidence and saying "Are you danisnotonfire."

"Yeah, I am" I said in a obviously fake cheery voice. "How are you?"
"Good, thanks.Wow I can't believe it's you!" She beamed ecstatically and I returned her joyful expression.

I proceded to answer endless questions about myself and Phil, simultaneously attempting not to give away to much information. Then I took a photo with her (in which I looked awful but went ahead with anyways) and she hugged me and left. I heard her chattering loudly on the phone something along the lines of "Kirsty, you'll never believe who I just met!" And her voice died down the further away she got.

I enjoy meeting subscribers because it shows me exactly why I do what I do and it brings me a lot of pleasure to know I'm doing something that makes people happy; especially when I can make them happy even when I feel like absolute shit.

I carried on rummaging the aisles to collect the food Phil wanted. lion bar, crips, water: I recited them in my head until I had collected them all and went to pay.

The woman who served me had the usual cashier expression: dreary eyed and chapped liped. I plonked my items on the counter and watched as she scanned everything, including the chocolate and water I'd gotten for myself.
"Four pounds sixty-six please." she breathed out in a monotone voice, her expression never changing.
I handed her a fiver and she slid the change into my hand silently.

On the journey back to the car I found myself humming a familiar song: the opening bars of resistance by Muse. I flung open the car door and slid in my seat. Throwing Phil's food to him a little more aggressively and saying "there you go," in a voice that was barely audible.

And silence was bared once again. I searched desperately for a topic to bring up to crack the awkwardness between us but nothing sprung to mind. I analysed my surroundings to evaluate if there was anything I could even comment on to get the slightest response from him but I knew this was pointless. Sighing heavily, I gave in.

"So, enjoy last night then?" Phil finally spoke up but that didn't mean I was any more clued up on how to answer.

"Hmm," I said in response and realising this was an inadequate response I thought I should just shut up forever. I always managed to say the wrong thing.

I tried to turn my attention away from Phil and focus on my food and my own thoughts but he was so captivating. I enjoyed to watch emotions flicker on his face and disappear in moments as of they'd never existed. I just wanted to know what he was thinking.

Watching as he yanked his phone out of his pocket and almost as if with aggression punched in some letters to his phone. I had no idea what he was doing but I felt like I need to say something. He'd made the effort to speak first and I'd pushed him away; I had to do something.

I cleared my throat to get his attention and stated as he abruptly looked up from his phone.

"Yes?" He questioned.

This was the first time I'd seen his face front on and he looked dreadful. Not like in the ugly way as in he looked like he may burst into tears at any moment. His eyes were dark and droopy and his skin was pale and dry. His face seemed expressionless despite his crinkled forehead that made him look a little curious.
"Are you okay?" I questioned genuinely caring about his wellbeing.
"Fine thank you," he said sarcastically.
"Phil, I know you're not. Tell me what's wrong please?" I begged.

When he failed to meets gaze and just stared down at the floor I knew he was mad at me. He wanted me to bring it up. I really did too but I just felt now wasn't the right time. There had to be some sort of practicality about this. I would have to wait until we got home.

"Are you sure we'll be okay for the radio show?"
It seemed he wouldn't answer my question but I thought best not to press the issue for fear of making it worse.

"Yeah, we might look a little under the wather but hey ho." I tried to sound cheerful but I knew it was just adding to the tension.

Phil then turned his attention back to his phone as if I'd never said anything. He assessed his current state of hangover face and attempted to fix the unruly bits of hair that stuck up around his head. Eventually, he gave in and the car was once again silent while we waited for the other to speak first.

"What time are we leaving?" I questioned deciding it was best to get the practical things out of the way first.
"Soon, I think. I need a shower desperately and there's no way we're getting one here."

However, he didn't seem content on waiting considering he opened the car door from the back seats that we were located in and immediately say himself in the drivers seat. I decided it best to stay in the back: it meant more leg room and I didn't have to look at Phil in the eye; really two things I needed right now.

Processing that he must have left the keys in the bag he hollered for me to pass them over, which I did and as soon as the engine began revving I warmed up.

"Buckle up, Dan." Phil warned.
Simultaneously he let the radio blast out Sugar, we're going down. It was unnecessarily loud but I was great we still could bond over our music taste.

A/N-- I would just like to point out that I am aware the radio show doesn't happen on a Sunday anymore because of the Internet takeover but I'm still going to write it like it was a Sunday okay. Also I know there wasn't really a lot of plot in their but they are going to discuss Phil's coming out a lot in the next one so I thought I should just stick to the same sort of time zone I left Phil's chapter at. I hope you enjoyed it and okay bye.