Hearts and Other Breakable Things

chapter forty-two ✔️

stevie hopkins
- july 31, 2018 -

IT WAS STRANGE. STARING AT the wall four hours on end. I knew I'd been there a while, but I wasn't sure until I finally looked at my phone, it really had been hours. Actually, it'd been most of the day. Maybe it'd been the entire day. I wasn't entirely sure. I don't remember when I sat down. All I knew was that I hadn't moved until now.

            I stretched out my legs, but they were stiff and I swear I heard it crack and creak. I wasn't sure, but it definitely made some kind of sound. Whether it was good or bad, I really didn't care. Did you by any chance know that there were 336 hours in two weeks. I didn't. Not until I seemed to count every single one that went by.

            There was this pit in the bottom of my stomach that no matter how much I ate or even how much I drank, wouldn't go away. I just wanted it to go away. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face and her smile... That smile.

            Two weeks had gone by. It felt so long, but yet so short. As if all I did was blink my eyes and the days passed, but at some level I was still agonizingly living through each one.

            Yesterday I went for a walk and passed the skate park. I saw someone do a flip as they came out of the bowl and thought of Luna. Every thought seemed to lead back to Chelsea somehow. It was a chain reaction, but it felt more like some kind of cruel trick now.

            I guess it's true what they say; you really don't know what you have until it's gone. I didn't have her for very long, but I still think she might have been my better half. But then again... Maybe we were just too different to work out. They say love conquers all, but maybe that's just not true. Or, maybe you have to be willing to fight.

            I wanted to fight. She would have been worth fighting for. I'd reanalyzed all the months we spent together. The entire time, I painted her into something I wanted her to be. She had bad days and bad moods just like everyone else and I ignored it. I ignored every problem she had, doing nothing to help her.

            I dragged myself through every routine for the day. Showered, ate, changed. All of it, but I couldn't even tell you what order I did it in. I probably ate first... Or maybe I showered first.

            Did it even matter? Probably not. At this point, time didn't even feel real anymore. Slipping on my shoes, I walked out the door with just my wallet in my back pocket. I wasn't really sure where I was going to end up, but anywhere was better than sitting on the floor. At least that's what I was trying to convince myself of.

            I came to Tony's Coffee first and stopped. Standing there, I tried to talk myself into getting a cup, but just the thought of having to see a bubbly barista sent a shiver down my spine. So, I kept going instead.

            Passing the skate park, I peered over without thinking. A girl flew from the bowl and did a kind of spin before flying back down. Just the hint of black hair made me jump and continue on my way. I hadn't even thought about everyone else.

            Was I still allowed to be their friend if Chelsea and I weren't together? Were we even really friends in the first place or was it just a connection of convenience?

            Coming to the bar Ethan I went to, I stared at the sign for a long time. The Corner Bar. I remembered that bartender, Taylor. He seemed really nice and friendly. I could use friendly right now. I could use that kind of energy.

            I pulled open the door. There wasn't a single person in sight. Not even someone behind the bar. I turned back to look, but the open light was on. I took the initiative and sat at the bar. A brunet man rounded the corner and when he locked eyes with me, jumped back a little.

            "I'm sorry," he laughed and glanced around, "I didn't hear you come in. Have you been waiting long?"

            I shook my head.

            He stared at me, waiting for the words to slip off my tongue, but they never came. I just sat there. Walking up to the bar and across from me, he leaned on it. He didn't say anything for a long time. He just stood there and somehow it was actually comforting.

            Clearing my throat, I looked up at him, "Can I get... I don't know... Something?"

            He nodded, grabbing a glass. He poured different liquids into it and it frosted up instantly. Setting it in front of me, he went back to leaning against the bar the way he had before. I don't know if it was the look on my face, but he didn't try to leave and he didn't try to start up a conversation. He was just there to be there.

            I took a drink and then let out a long sigh, "Do you think people who are meant to be together will ever find their way back to each other? Even if one of them fucked up? Like really fucked up?"

            He nodded slowly, taking the question as well as he could. I couldn't blame him. It was an extremely loaded question to just dump onto someone. Especially, on someone I didn't even know, "I see what kind of visit we're having today."

            Resting his chin in his hand, he looked at me, "I'll tell you what. Being in the bar business I've seen a lot of people. I've seen one-night stands and I've seen people who are madly in love with each other. I've watched people break up and I've seen them get back together.

            But, some people. I do think they find their way back to each other again. At least I hope they do. Whether you consider that fate or destiny or whatever. But, not everyone does even if they are madly in love. I think it depends on the people. If they're willing to allow that happiness and frustration back into their lives."

            "But you think it's possible? Even years later maybe?"

            "I don't think. I know it is," he laughed. "I've seen it happen more than once. I've also seen people do everything in their power not to be with someone, but continuously get thrown together. I've seen people fight to not be with someone they love because let's face it, love is extremely terrifying.

            People always talk about how beautiful and wonderful love is, but it's more than that. Love is choosing someone every single day and that's a scary choice to make. It's more than just some fleeting feeling. Love can be extremely ugly. We can love the wrong people and refuse to love the right ones.

            In the end. I think we love the people we think we're supposed to and we call people crazy for loving someone we think they shouldn't. When in reality you don't get to pick the person who you fall in love with. It just happens. You can choose to be with them or not, but choosing to fall? That's not a decision you get to make, just one you get to live with afterwards."

            I chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood after that discussion, "That was deep."

            He shrugged, "It was a deep question. Anyways, love got you down, huh?"

            "I just messed up with this amazing woman."

            "Well," he stopped to think, "I'd say you can either fight to get her back. Or, you can work on yourself a little. Take the lesson as it is. I'm not saying you can't grow while you're with someone because you can, but don't jump into something just because you're lonely.

            Love someone because you're ready and because you want to. Not because you don't want to be alone."