I hear the click of the door. It must be one of the nurses. They keep checking up on me. I feel like my privacy is being violated. I don't bother opening my eyes. I hear footsteps walking towards me. I keep my eyes closed but breathe loud enough for them to hear that I'm still alive.
I feel a hand brush over my forehead, tuck the strands of my messy hair behind my ear. This touch feels familiar. My heart starts beating incredibly fast. Shane is here.
He is here.
"Chris" He says my name as if he is not expecting me to respond.
I open my eyes and am immediately met with his hard stare. His eyes are glossy, his lips are trembling.
I sit up on the bed and grab his hands. I squeeze them. I want to tell him everything is okay. Tell him I'm fine but I can't lie to him.
Shane knows me.
"I'm so sorry" He says to me.
"It's okay" I assure him. "I'm fine"
"Are you, really?"
I raise my cuffed hand, " What do you think?"
" Why didn't you call me?"
"And say what?"
" You know I'll never judge you"
" I judge myself enough for the both of us" I roll my eyes
" Come on" He Wipes his tears with the hem of his hoodie.
" No one knows what's wrong with me. I have no idea why I hurt myself. I don't want to die.I don't want to die" I sob.
" It's okay. I'm here. I'll help you figure things out" He squeezes both of my hands.
" You promise?"
" I love you. I know we're not together anymore but I love you and I'm going to help you get through this" He confesses.
I look at him looking at me. I get up a little more, I push my body a little closer to him and to kiss him. I close the little space between us, brush my lips on his wet lips. I close my eyes and welcome his intoxicating touch.
He cups my little broken face with his soft hand. We kiss and for a moment, I forget about my problems. Our kiss intensifies, He slides his tongue inside my mouth. I welcome him with the same hunger, same rush and need.
He pulls away, leaving me panting and wanting...needing more.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have" He runs his hands through his hair. " I'm sorry"
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have"
"It's okay"
"I'm glad you're here"
He looks at me in awe. I watch him. Nervously awaiting his next move.
"Marry me" He says, nervously.
"What?"
" Let's go to the court house right this minute and get married"
I shake my head no but deep down, my entire being is begging me to say yes. This is the second time he proposed marriage.
"I can't" I offer him a shy smile.
"Why not? Don't you love me? Don't you wanna be with me?"
"I don't know what I want right now"
"Chris, please"
"How the hell is this going to work? I'm based in joburg and you're here"
" That's fine. I will move"
"Oh, Shane" I run my hands on the bruise on my forehead.
" I will" He assures me.
" What about your job? Wrestling?"
" I can be a Doctor anywhere in the world and I quit wrestling"
" I thought you loved wrestling"
" Not anymore. I'm not as sharp and as I was when I first started"
" Still...I can't be with you"
"You are so fucken stubborn"
" And you are an idiot for wanting to be with me"
" I don't care. I love you, Chris" He waves his hands around and I laugh.
"You're whipped" I tell him
He smiles, " I'm in love"
I blush at his words. I love him. I love him but I'm not ready.
"I'm in love with you" He continues. " I have been from the moment I met you"
" Shane..."
" I want to travel the world with you. I want to experience life with you"
" I do too" I sigh
" But?"
" I'm damaged. My life is really messed up right now. I've never been this broken. It's going to take a lot for me to get up again"
" I'm here. I'll help you through it" He squeezes my hand gently.
" I know but I wanna do this alone. I have to"
" Says who? Let me fucken help you" He runs his hand through his hair.
"No"
" Fuck this"He storms out and I cry my eyes out.
It's about eight pm in the evening. Shane left hours ago. I'm walking around the tiny hospital room, trying to get my feet working again. I have been bed bound for weeks. I have lost a bit of weight. Hospital food tastes like crap.
I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since my suicide attempt. I don't know what to say to her. How do I look her in the eye after doing such a selfish thing? How do I move on From this?
Africanvibes Out!
