You know the feeling when you know something is about to happen? You just know that something big is coming. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm holding my breath. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm scared. What if I break? I mean, I'm broken already but there's hope, right? I'm recovering. I'm better than I was months ago. I'm not perfect and I know that I will never be perfect or anywhere near perfection but I can try to be better and do better. I have my friends and family behind me.
What's gonna happen when the other shoe drops? Will any of them be there for me? Will I be there for me? The last two years of my life have not made any sense at all. I have been going downhill and I still am. I don't know how to regain control of my life.
I have always been in control, I always knew what I wanted, when I wanted it and how to get what I want. I did very well in school, I moved to a different province, I'm studying at one of the best schools in the country. What's the problem then? What's missing? What am I yearning for? Why can't I be normal like Lwazi and Phila? Why am I the different one?
I am so out of touch with everything that's happening. I haven't heard anything from Zoe. I don't know where she is. I tried calling her but her phone is off. I'm planning on going to her house as soon as I get better but I don't even know if I ever will get better. I'm scared that something bad might have happened to her. We've never not communicated for this long. My life has affected everyone around me. My Mother is in a mental hospital, my sister moved in with her boyfriend and Lwazi is moving to Alaska.
I am currently back home recovering. I'm with Lwazi. His girlfriend left him a few months ago so it's just the two of us. The house brings back a lot of bad memories. I honestly don't want to be here but I have nowhere else to go to. My school has given me a little grace time. The bursary is still going to continue paying for my tuition and accommodation. I will continue with my studies next year because the year is almost over and I have missed out on a lot of work. I haven't seen Gift in a few months. We talk now and then and he promised to come visit as soon as he is done with his finals. I am incredibly grateful for his support. He is the one person I know will always be there for me.
I know that you guys were expecting a happy ending. A Cinderella story where the girl gets the Prince but this is not it. I am not where I hoped I would be and that's okay. I still have a fighting chance. I don't know how or what's going to happen in the next coming months but I hope I make it.
My relationship with Shane ended a long time ago and I have made peace with that. Mental health is a taboo here. No one wants to talk about it but we're all suffering. I have decided to go to therapy. Get myself some help and hopefully go back to school better than i am now. I feel hopeless and a little suicidal but I know that I am better than that. I've had a rough year but hey, who hasn't? Everyone is dealing with their own shit. I too have to start dealing with my shit.
It's pretty clear that there is no conclusion to this story. A lot of things are up in the air. Zoe is still missing, Shane and Christian's story is still not over. Their journey was a pretty short one but I believe everything happened as it should. That was their destiny or fate...
Thank you for traveling with me for the past year. Your support has been incredible. I hope we meet again on a different journey. One that will hopefully bring both of us a little joy. If there's anyone here suffering from mental health, I wish I could tell you that it gets better, that you will be okay but I can't because it hasn't been okay for me and I'm not better. Some days are worse than most but never better. This is something I have to live with and accept.
I am different and I will always be different. I have no wise words but one thing I want you to know is I haven't given up and you shouldn't either. We still have a fighting chance. Keep going and read more books.
I am incredibly grateful to everyone who has read my book. You guys have been absolutely amazing. I am blessed to have had you guys traveling with me throughout. I'm grateful for this amazing platform. Wattpad is the absolute best app for writing and reading.
I'm gonna be introducing a new book soon. I have improved a lot. My writing improves with every book. Please support my upcoming book same way you have supported this one...
This is not goodbye, its Hello...
AfricanVibeZ loves you a lot.
