Snowboarder Imagines

Scotty James: Once Before

And I don't want it to happen twice
'cause we've been here once before
It was you, who said it all went wrong
We were just fine yesterday, today you're gone

Scotty sits at the end of my bed and stares at me. His face is 100% serious, which is so unlike him. He's looking at me, waiting for to say something and I have a lot to say, but I don't want to say any of it. He didn't want to hear what I had to say four months ago and I don't think he deserves to hear it now.

"Will you please just look at me, y/n?" Scotty begs. I look at him like he requests, but it only makes things worse because he doesn't look like the boy I knew. Before he left he had long brown hair that touched his shoulders. Now his hair is short and hidden under a beanie. His hair is just one of the things I miss about him. "What are you thinking about?"

"You don't look like you." I say quietly.

"Yeah I cut my hair. I'm not sure how I feel about it." Scotty says casually, completely missing my point.

"I'm not talking about your hair." I tell him. How do I explain to him that he no longer looks like the Scotty I knew? I used to look at Scotty and feel nothing but happiness. Even when we were fighting, he had a way of making me smile. He never hurt me and I never thought he would, but he did and now I can barely look at him. He doesn't look like the Scotty I knew because the Scotty I knew never would've hurt me the way he did.

"Can we please talk about this? I know how badly I fucked up. I really do."

"You didn't want to talk to me for four months. I begged you to talk to me and you ignored me. I had to deal with all that on my own while you were off pretending I didn't exist. And now that you're ready to talk, but I'm over it. I don't want to bring it up again. I don't want to think about it again because it hurt enough the first time." I say without even glancing up Scotty. I know if I look at him I'll start crying. Looking at him only makes me sad.

"I know, I know, I know," Scotty repeats as he buries his face into his hands. "I ruined everything."

I instantly want to say "yeah, Scotty, you did ruin everything.", but for some reason I can't. A part of me wants to hug him and tell him it's okay, but it's not okay. We're not okay and I can't pretend that we are.

"I didn't know...I mean...I didn't realize how bad this would hurt. I didn't know at the time how wrong I was to leave you. I thought I was making the best decision for me, I really did. I thought us breaking up was the best thing for us. I've never been so wrong in my life. I'm so sorry, y/n." Scotty rants. This is the first time he's apologized since the breakup four months ago. The breakup was quick, but I never saw it coming. I swear it came out of nowhere. He was leaving the next day for a contest in some other country. He was being quiet and Scotty is never quiet, but I thought he was just bummed about having to leave me. I was so wrong. With me literally wrapped in his arms, Scotty told me we weren't working out. He said he didn't feel the same anymore. Naturally I was crushed and then Scotty disappeared for months. He never called. He never texted. I thought he forgot I was alive until he showed up at my door today.

"Why did you change your mind...about us?" I finally ask. I originally wanted to ask why he left me in the first place. That was the question I was dying to know the answer to, but why he changed his mind seems more important now.

"I was in love with you...I am in love with you. Real love. But I didn't realize that at the time. All I knew was that I was going away for a long time and it would be easier to not have a girlfriend, but what I didn't get was that you were more than a girlfriend to me. You were my best friend. You made all my bad days better and I let that go. I hate myself for doing that. I've never messed up so bad." Scotty tells me as he wipes the tears from his eyes. I feel myself becoming weak to him. He's crying and I want to take the pain away, but I can't risk it. I can't just let him back in.

"I don't know what to say, Scotty. I want us to go back to the way were before, but I can't go through all that again. It hurt too bad." I say. He nods understandingly and stands up from my bed and prepares to leave. He nervously adjusts the beanie on his head and looks at me.

"Can we maybe be...friends? I know that sounds lame and cliché, but I would really like that." Scotty asks. His face scrunches like he's waiting for me to explode. He's expecting me to say no.

"Yeah. I think we can be friends." I say with a half smile. I know I should cut Scotty out of my life completely, but I'm not that strong. I selfishly want him to be a part of my world. Four months without him was hard enough and I don't want to totally lose him again. I'm sure we can be friends. Friends is better than nothing.

But now at a second glance
You're wanting a second chance
But I can't
I'm afraid that I'm not that strong