This morning's different.a good different.I woke up in Tommy's arms and my heart felt warm.i finally feel like myself.whenever I'm with him it's like the old Noelle is back,like I have grown into myself even just by his presence.all the sadness,loneliness,hurt,confusion,anger just disappears.it's like I now have a reason to live my life.
I lay for a while listening to his heart beat as I memorise it and let my knuckles graze his arm while I think.
"Morning"I hear a croak from under me
"Morning toms...did you sleep ok"I ask
"I had the best sleep the only reason was because you were there the whole night"my cheeks blush and I smile.we finally get out of bed and make our way downstairs.I decided I wanted pancakes so I got Tommy to help.
"Elle I can't turn these on"I turn to him and watch him struggle with the scales.I chuckle to myself as I just press the button.he turns to me and his checks turn red.
"It's fine remember it's 230 grams ok"I give him a soft smile.as he starts to pour the flour in the bowl i see his mouth starts to form a menacing smile.before I know it he is throwing flour at me and I am covered in it.I squint at him before I do the same.Tommy's tries to run but I jump on his back and pour a whole load over his head.we both end up in stitches on the floor before my mum walks in
"Oh my god what the hell have you done...ughh can't trust you with anything"me and Tommy both look at each other and burst into laughter.lucky not long after she joins in as well.my mum offered to help me so that Tommy could have a shower before me.he gives me a kiss before making his way upstairs.
"You love him don't you"
"Mum don't say that"
"Elle I'm your mum I know you and I know that your relationship with each other is not just a friendship."she looks me in the eyes and she sounds like she means it
"Elle you should embrace this.your in love you need to except that I know you are scared to show your feelings but if you don't then you will not only loose a chance of being with him but you may also loose a friendship as well"her words hit me like a tone of bricks.she's right,all my life I bottle up my feelings And tell myself there not important and that they will sort themselves out.now is not the time to do that.Tommy means the absolute world to me and if I don't be honest then I will loose him.for good.my mum gives me a hug after realising I'm still covered in flour.I start laughing and she playfully hits my arm.
After getting out the shower I choose my outfit.Tommy and me have decided to go out shopping today.Tommy told me that he was treating me today as it is my birthday soon.he told me there was going to be a surprise in the evening and it kept playing on my mind.my anxiety always stops me from doing stuff like this but I'm not letting it get to me today.I decide on light wash denim shorts with a brown tank top and a cardigan.
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I stand in the mirror and stare at myself.I can't help but hate the way I look.I start thinking about my stomach and the way it makes me feel like I'm wearing a rubber wring.my back rolls look stupid and my chin is my worst feature.tears start to stream down my face before I slowly slip to the floor.I hear Tommy coming up the stairs and he stops in the door way.
"ELLE"he shouts
"Elle are you ok"he says as he gets closer to me.I feel him sit beside me and wrap me into a hug.
"I'm so ugly...Everything I wear makes me feel like a hippo and I fucking hate it"I sob
"Elle don't you dare say that about yourself you know deep down how pretty and confident you are you just need to realise that"
"But I'm not Tommy...can't you see how ugly I am....how fat I look in whatever I wear...how I go through fifty outfits to find only one thing that covers at least one part of my body that I hate...it hurts me to know that I can't just be who I want to be without getting judged"
"I would never judge you Elle and you know that"
"Tommy I know you won't judge me but other people do whenever I'm out...the way they look at me like I'm a monster"Tommy soothes me to help me stop crying.I start to calm down when he kisses me on the head.
"Elle I'm sorry people are so mean...I'm so so sorry you feel like this if I could I would kill everyone who makes you feel that way but we both know that's not possible"After a while I decide to just wear why I have on and embrace the person I am.
"I'm so proud of you Elle"
"Thank you toms"
We say goodbye to my mum before we make our way the the train station.I shove one of my AirPods into Tommy's ear and shuffle my music.the first song that comes on is Your New Boyfriend by Wilbur.Tommy looks to me as his eyebrows start to crease.we both burst into laughter.
"Why do you have Wilbur's song in your playlist"my cheeks blush and I giggle to myself
"I actually really like it...makes me feel happy"
"Haha your are right it is a good song just never would of thought you listens to it"
"Gotta support your friends you know"Tommy squeezes my hand.we arrive at the train station and Tommy pays for his ticket first.I stand back whilst I struggle to get my card out of my purse.I finally get it and look up to Tommy.he smiles at me before I look down to his hand.he passes me a ticket and starts to giggle.
"Tommy I said I will by my ticket"
"No it's your day today and I'm buying you everything"
"No you are not if you try to buy me one more thing then I am leaving"I joke.Tommy playfully rolls his eyes before he grabs my hands to get to the platform.
We sit down on the train and I rest my head on Tommy's shoulder.he takes my phone to choose a song.the sound starts to take over I realise what one it is.our song.I burry my head into his neck and let the song take over my mind. ——————————————————————— 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚙 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚜𝚘 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 ❤️
