Me and my Bullying.

I just need help.

Right now and for the last couple of weeks I have been going through a tough time. a very tough time. I'm losing friends. actually I have already lost my friends. Practically all. I'm coping with it and have already made maybe 6 friends. which isn't to hard for me considering how out going I am.

The reason my friends and my neatest friend ditched me. Was because they said.I backstabbing them and changed. if either one of them had any idea what I'm going through right now, I'm sure they would be crying their eyes out. also they would understand the reason I'm supposedly changing.

I wasn't sure if I should tell you all this but.... I have an alcoholic father. I never realized how damaged my family was until I went to my first alateen meeting.Alateen is basically a place held at a church for teenagers or even teens as young as 10. And we discuss the alcoholic. we discuss our problems in life. we get help. we learn the 12 steps and it is really neat. I have been going probably for around a year... maybe. Alateen is where I counselor and most of all love. the moment I walked into those doors I'm not going to lie I was uncomfortable. I felt mis placed. Like I didn't belong. Have you ever felt like that? I felt like I had to make a good impression, like I had to be smart and cool.. laid back. My first meeting was with my sister. She tried to get me to talk to them and read the dos or donts handout. I wasn't ready. I'm nothing like my sister. I take a long time to get used to things. something that would take her 2 hours would take me 2 days.

Anyway, After about 3 -4 meetings alateen was my second home. is my second home. Each and everyone of them are special. When I was a newcomer they welcomed me and my sister with open arms and smiles. at first when they went in for a hug I'm like woah these freaks. But eventually I became a freak too.And I couldn't be more happy.

I need to tell you guys something. I'm having this one dream, and I know this makes me sound like a baby and a wimp but I'm terrified and scared that it might happen

I'm staying up later then usual. I think I have anxiety. Any way here's the dream:

So I'm laying in my bed and then one of the bullies barges into my room and she has a knife. she slowly walks up to me and puts the knife on my throat. by now obviously I'm awake. She then says hello. and then stabs me in the stomach and every where basically shredding me to pieces.

I'm sorry. I just had to tell like all of you. I have already told my alateen meeting last Wednesday. And they keep saying that it won't happen and that it.was just a dream. that that would never happen. One of I guess a pet peeve for me is: When people tell me something will happen or won't happen. They don't know. if I'm sitting on a see saw and I'm afraid going to fall over. you don't know if.I will. so don't say. "Oh. Shawna there is no need to worry. you won't fall." Nobody knows but God.

Sorry I kinda went off topic. But I have this one friend in alateen that means the world tome. she is so special. She is my hero.

She has helped me and still helps me with all of my problems which is very good. There should be more people like her in this world. She brightens my mood every time I see her and hug her.

It's great to have somebody that really cares about me and can help give advice with the issues I have. I'm usually the one giving advice. People come to me with their problems. They trust me and my advice. I'm very good at giving advice and.I love helping people with their problems. But when I have problems I don't know how to help myself. Does that make sense?

I can solve other people's problems but not my own. So it is great to have a friend that I can text whenever at anytime and she will help me feel better. She isnt like the other people. She doesn't tell me everything is going to be okay like the others. She gives me her perspective and how she feels about the situations. She asks questions to try to understand the issue. She basically puts herself in my position and asks herself what would I do?

I truly love her. She said.once that I was a.hero. At first I didn't fully understand but now I do. She meant that I am a nice and caring person. I'm not selfish like some people. I care about other people's feelings other then my own. I put others first.

If I had to choose between myself and her I would choose her. without question.

As you can tell I care a lot about her. I mean look how much I wrote. I'm sure I could right a.book about all the greatness she has brought into so many people's lives. Including mine. (:

I have very low self-esteem. every imperfection I have on my body or about my attitude I hate. there is nothing unique or different about me. Well I'm sure there is but I haven't quite found out what it is yet. And it kills me.

I talked about the bullies. And how I have dealt with it. But if I am being honest I have never really dealt with it. I can't take back what was done to me or what I have done to others out of anger and pain. The bullies have awful attitudes. But that doesn't mean they are awful people. They can be kind hearted.

Most of the kids that bully others have been bullied themselves. The bullies get hurt and they have such a bad feeling of pain going on inside of them. So in order to feel great they put others down to feel good about themselves. They get a kick out of it. And I know it sounds horrible but it's sadly true. They like to see kids cry because of them

Becasue it isn't them. They understand the pain that those kids they bully are going through But if they stopped and helped it would look bad.

Most bullies are "popular". They have a crowd. Those are the worst bullies.in my opinion. They get eager. They like to be popular and big. They enjoy seeing their friends laugh with them and not at them. Most bullies are probably class clowns (funny) and have lots of friends and are maybe even gorgeous. Absolutely Gorgeous. No flaws at all.

If you are every getting bullied don't be like me. Don't challenge them by talking back and making fun of them in front of their friends. If you were to do that then you are already a major target for ALL of them. each friend. 6 to 1 or 2 ( If you have friends that are willing to help you through your tough times and aren't just there cause your awesome).

I had about 5 girls every day that would come up to me put me down and just leave me alone till morning. then they would say they want to beat you up. And if you are anything like me I'm one of those people that are always happy. or at least try to be. The truth is those people that are smiling every day and are always being positive and happy. Are crying themselves to sleep. I'm one of them. They have probably even thought of suicide. Like me...

When that many people at each sschool you go to put you down. It is really hard to pif I your self back up. You feel like nothing. You feel like an ant underneath a microscope. Like somebody's controlling you. And when you get called ugly. But then your friends and websites say that like everyone is pretty and beautiful in their own way.you don't believe it. You would rather believe other people's perspective of you then your family and friends. It's human nature, You and everybody else that has been called ugly, Would rather listen to people who don't know yo personally and that are the same age.

I hate that feeling. And in an grateful to have friends at my second home (alateen) That I can proudly say are Family! (:

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More next week. Please comment and vote. Tell me what you think. It would mean a lot to me.

I LOVE YOU ALL. YOUR BEAUTIFUL!! (: