Dreams

untold conversations 2

29 March 2021 mid night

Worst worst worst

I heard that I might have placements in M. Arch next year. Something which should actually make me happy is making me worry.

It's not like I don't want to attend, I don't know what company would come, where I would go. And it is an uncertainty, which I didn't plan at all.

With my previous plan, I thought I would actually be married after I complete M. Arch, and I thought based on wherever you are, I can just start there, that's why I don't have any plan on where I should work, which city I prefer and all. Now, this placement might change lots of things.

I really want to be independent, but somehow, even when you are not here, I had to take decisions keeping you in mind.

The problem is not actually you, if I get selected, then I don't know how my parents would react, most probably, they won't even let me attend the placement. Because, I don't know, I think they don't really want me to work and if I get selected, it might add to complications for them, because I won't accept to marriage unless you are in the same city.

I am over thinking. I know.

Will you read all these? , I have heard that boys don't like all these long paragraphs. I have no one else to rant about this.

If you are reading through all these chapters, if you are trying to understand who I was in this time, thank you. Thanks for reading my words. Thanks for your time.

And also, I read that " Love comes to you when you don't expect it at all ", to be honest, I think, it would be difficult for love to reach me, because I am expecting everyday! , I am waiting everyday!

It is scary too, because me as a person, I am not perfect. I have lots of insecurities. Some days I am the most confident person you will ever see, some days, I get eaten by my insecurities. I am scared that people might leave me, I am scared of not being appreciated enough, I am scared of being caged.

I am more of defensive than offensive type. If I feel like somebody is becoming distant, I would throw away that relationship, it's because I just want to cut the rope before they do it. I would force myself to leave them before they do.

And if I get offensive, I can become a total bitch and I know that. I confront people face to face, I don't care about the consequences. I react furiously if someone close to me is hurt, I would just go into kill mode and make them regret touching my people. I throw words as knives, I would be their nightmare.Yes, because I was this much reactive, I have faced so many problems.

But, we don't have many people who would actually stand up for us when we get into a trouble. I wanted to be ready to throw hands for the people around me. Even though nobody did that for me, I have always attacked anyone who tried to hurt my people.

I am trying to be more proactive than reactive. To think before acting. I am trying, but still sometimes, when things go over my head, I won't be thinking what to say.

I shouldn't be telling you any of this. My friends told me that, I shouldn't even tell you about my past crushes and all. Because you might judge me.

Honestly is the base of any relationship. If I am going to hide all my past stories and then tell you nothing,in some days, the truth will come out. It will and it will be too late to handle the truth.

We are humans, in our twenties, in all these years, if I tell you that I didn't fall in love with anybody I would be lying. Are we robot to not develop feelings towards someone? , we are allowed to like anybody in the past. What matters is the PRESENT.

You might judge me for all the previous boys that crossed my life, I really won't care as long as you are being genuine, and you are doing it because you were worried about me.

But if all of my past stories make you feel bad, say it now. Stop reading and tell me that my past crushes are disturbing you, Say it before I start feeling something for you.

If you take stories as just stories, if you see my past as a part of me, you are allowed to read the next chapters.