Dreams

untold conversation_ 4

17 May 2021 mid night 12:05 am

Life was going smooth even with the second wave of corona. Sobika had to suffer her problems alone, I so much wished to be with her, I couldn't go. It hurt me physically being unable to be with her when she needed me.

I always told myself that I would have the freedom to go whenever someone needed me. I thought I could catch a bus, book a cab, I can go anywhere. But now, I couldn't.

There are certain moments in the life of the people around me that I want to be a part of. I was the first one to click a picture of Aishu when she was born. I recorded her first cry. Maybe I really didn't help anitha akka. But I was there to witness that beautiful moment.

With reveathy akka, I wanted to be there in all the behind the stage scenes of her wedding and I did. Lots of bitter sweet moments, but I wouldn't give that up for anything.

With nila, I still went to Madurai, though I couldn't go to the hospital like last time ( screw you corona) , I was there taking care of aishu, so that anitha akka was at peace in hospital.

I want to be with Reveathy akka when she gives birth to her baby. I want to be there in the hospital, helping her as little as I can.

I want to be with sobika throughout her wedding. From shopping to her beauty parlor routines, I want to be there, making sure that she gets everything that she dreamt about.

I want to be with Ashwini when that girl finally becomes matured and when she gets her eye brows trimmed for the first time.

I want this freedom, to catch a bus and just go to the people when they need someone.

Will you give me that freedom?

I might spend one or two nights away from the home, would you allow that?

Technically, you are one of the reasons why I can't do a night out in my best friends home anymore. I was like a nomad during b. Arch , I had countless night outs, we worked through the night, talked till dawn. It was our girls time.

Now, my parents want me to not do those things. You are the reason for that. I need to save my name because Some idiots are noticing me, some idiots think that my parents gave me too much of freedom.

Never I misused the freedom that was given to me. If at all I spend a night in my friends home, it would be with my girls gang and we would be playing silly games, watching movie. We would go shopping, eat outside. Nothing else.

But there are girls who really misuse the freedom, but their parents will be blindly trusting them.

Then there are girls like me, who genuinely wants to spend time with her friends and I am the one who is always doubted and I am the one with restrictions.

I told you already, one main reason why many girls agree to marriage itself is, we believe that we can get more freedom.

I fear sometimes, if I won't be able to do all these things even after being married.

I wanted to go to bungee jumping in Rishikesh with my friends, my parents won't leave me. I wanted to get a tattoo, they won't allow. They would say, get married and go with your husband.

They are creating an illusion , Like how teachers in school told us that life would be very easy after 12th. I feel just like that now. That I am trusting an illusion. What if you end up being more strict? , god only knows.

But I hope you won't be. I hope that you would trust me. I hope that you would let me go to those people when they need me. I hope that you would come with me if you feel worried.

Also , recently I have been really looking forward to meeting you. No, it's not because I am searching for love and all, at least using my marriage as an excuse, all my friends can come here and stay with me.

This covid period has really made me miss my friends too much. Usually when each of us had any problem, we would talk for hours and hours, we would cry together and then at the end of that night, we would sleep with a lighter heart. I am longing for that conversation with my best friends where we can cry our heart out. Life has been driving all of us in different directions, but someday we hope we can cry together again.

You can laugh with anyone, but you can't cry with anyone. You need that trust to let someone see your weakest self and hold you tight.

I want to get married just so that I can have fun with my friends. Don't feel bad, you are important too. But right now, in this moment, when I dream about my marriage, I couldn't see your face, but I see my best friends laughing with me and having the best time of our lives.

Before being a lover or a husband, all we need a best friend. Let's be best friends before anything. So that we can have fun together. I want to cry with you too.

By now, you should at least be able to judge my character. I am very communicative, I talk about everything. I can't hide my anger for too long. I am not the type to sit silently when a problem comes, I try to clear it as quick as possible. I know, we will have differences, but I think we could live with them, if we can communicate each other's thoughts perfectly.

Even if you hide something, I would push you and make you talk about it. Yes, I would force you to talk about it and make sure that whatever that problem is, we will clear it right then and there.

I am scared of a lot of things. I don't think I am mentally ready for this marriage and all. In my mind, I am still a very immature girl.

I don't think I would be able to handle all those expectations that would be placed on me. But let's see. Clearing exams in much much easier than thinking about how I would handle my mother in law or sister in law or brother in law or father in law. I would gladly write gate, nata and all exams together, than thinking about how to make all these people like me.

I am not perfect, I know that. I am very acceptable of myself. But I can't expect that from everyone.

Are you scared about these things too? Or am I the only one?

I forgot to talk about the main point, it's appearance. I am not fair, I don't have an attractive shape, I am short. I am slim. I am completely okay with how I look , it's my genetics, it's not something I can change.

There are some things which I built myself, like my character, my knowledge, why aren't they valued more?

I know, you must be going through this insecurity too. Last week I felt bad, that I am very thin. I didn't feel comfortable with my weight. I was thinking , should I gain more weight? , what happens if I loose weight after going to nit? , what happens if I get tanned?

But, this is the real me. I am thin. I am not fair skinned. Why are these people making me question my own self  ? , do i have to fit into their standards? , I am healthy, I have good stamina. In this process to find you, I shouldn't loose me. I told myself that, I am okay the way I am. And If they can't accept me as I am, do I really need them?

In search of someone who sees me for who I am, someone who appreciates me who I am, I am waiting for that person.