19.6.2021 , Saturday, on a lazy afternoon
It's vacation, yet I couldn't rest. Let me try a different type of writing. Let's imagine that i am texting you this.
Naan sonnaen la that guy, Mughil. I recently found that he was committed to someone else when all the time I was going around him.
First ketapo kovam varala, aparam bayangarama kovam vandhuchu. Enna nenaichu ennakae paavama irundhuchu. Me in 2018 , didn't deserve that treatment from him. Committed nu solirndha naan yen avan pinnadi suthirka poraen.
Maybe I would have hurt a lot that he still didn't choose me, Maybe I wouldn't have hurt at all. Therla , enna aagirkum nu. But, adha maatha mudiyaadhu.
I can't be hard on myself for not knowing things that I know now.
It still made me doubt myself, If at all I deserve any love.
Sometimes this insecurity kills me. All my confidence is gone and I start questioning my self worth. I start being scared that people will leave me.
My friends keep scolding me why I am scared like this, even though they tell me 100 times that they won't leave me, sometimes I am still scared.
Indha bayam eppadi poga pogudhu nu therla. But only I am responsible for all of my fears. Konjam konjam ah pogum, aana it is a part of my character.
Avan commit aana enna break up aana enna nu dhaan irrukaen. But I couldn't console myself that I was the biggest fool then. I got into depression , all of that has no value. I did too many things , my efforts have zero value. Adhu dhaan kashtama irruku.
Idha naan en friends ta sonna, they will ask if I hadn't moved on from him. But the truth is, I have completely moved on. Ippo naan yosikuradhu ellamae enna pathi mattum dhaan.
Thirumba innoru aal ku idhu ellam panna ennaku dhairiyam irrukumaa nu dhaan. Maybe you deserve a lot of things, aana indha bayam naala naan adha pannama irruka koodadhu la. Paapom innum time irruku, paapom.
I want to do a lot of things for you, ippadi ennoda insecurity naala I should never doubt you. I should learn to trust you completely. I am not trying to put any pressure on you now, I am just saying what I am feeling right now. Maybe you can try to help me, If you want and if you can.
Aparam, I am not sitting for placements in nitt. I said no. Already this marriage is big uncertainty, idhula I don't want to add campus interview as another uncertainty. Kashtama dhaan irundhuchu, my classmates were asking naan class topper and why I didn't join. I told them my parents are seeing alliance and nee enga irrupa nu innum I don't know. Idhula campus interview nu naanum enga povaen nu kolapatha create panna koodadhu la.
When I told this, en amma enta attend pannu nu sonnanga. It seems like I gave up campus interview because of them. But in reality, this is completely my decision and my responsibility. Avan campus interview la 25000 ku place aagi endha vur nu theriyaama, rendu varusham bond la poi anga utkara ennala mudiyaadhu. But I can become professor and still earn more than that.
I am quite confident. Therla evvolo naal ku indha confidence irrukum nu.
Aparam naan already sonnaen la, My scar, sonnaen ah illayaaaa
Seri, thirumba solraen, when I was 8 years old, I went through appendicitis surgery, I have a scar on my stomach. Idhu laam naan yen thirumba thirumba solrean na, this is a part of me and mostly idhu naan unna paatha povae sollanum nu irrukaen. In fact I am practicing how to tell this to u and ur mom, first time paakirapovae sollanum nu irrukaen.
Yen na, konjam per varuvaanga idha oru prachanaya sollitu. Ponnu ku ippadiyaam appadiyaam nu. Adhuku dhaan safety. Enna nee , un family accept pannina podhum.
Aparam enna aachu, aaam, en amma matrimony website ah Facebook maari daily pottu theditu irrukaanga. Light ah kadupa irruku, idhu laam en kannu munnadi pannanumaa nu.
To be very honest , many people have rejected me.( many na, romba illa , 2 ) , Ennaku innoru rejection venaam nu dhaan solraen, had enough of rejections from idiots. Ennoda self confidence dhaan adi vaangudhu. Koduma da saami.
Sila neram, okay marriage pannikalaam, fun ah irrukum nu thoonudhu. Sila neram, iyyo M. Arch viva review time la ivanunga edaachu vambu iluthu vittuta enna panna nu bayama irruku.
Oru pakkam ellam padichu mudichitu tension illama indha marriage vishayam vandha podhum nu irruku, innoru pakkam oru nalla relationship la irrukanum nu aasaiya irruku.
Indha kolpathu naala, Ennala college vela kooda olunga paaka mudiyala.
Nee paavam idhu laam read pannitu, yen da ivata maatinom nu manasula nenaichitu irrupa. Idhu laam naan vera enga poi solla, naanum paavam dhaan la, so adjust panniko.
Vera edho sollanum nu nenaichen eh, aaam, partner in crime.
Ippo naan thaniya irundha , I am introvert. Aana en kooda irrukuravanga evvolo kirukuthanam pannuraangalo naanum avvolo pannuvaen. Kooda iruukuravanga padikura pulla na, naanum appadi irrupaen. Aana aadura kootathula irundha, naanum aaduvaen.
So, enna Ambivert nu sollalaam. Takkunu yaartayum palaga maataen, aana palaginavangala enna maraka vida maataen. I will be honest with them.
Enna solla varaen na, nee kirukuthanam pannina na, naanum pannuvaen. 🤣
Neraya sanda poduvaen, neraya sandaya theerthum veipaen. So be ready.
Oru oru thavanga character um avvolo vithyasama irruku la. Silar ku avunga kovam ah irrukura po, adha pesi theekanum. Innorthavanga koovma irrukurapo pesave koodadhu.
Silar ku avunga sogatha pathi keka koodadhu, aana silar ku avunga sogatha keka aal venum. Silar ku pesitae irrukanum, silar ku pesama irrukanum.
Idhu maari nee yaaru num therinjikanum, unnaku enna venum num theriyanum.
Idhu naan solraen, aana sathyama bayama dhaan irruku. Still I would try to not show this fear.
Girls vandhu avunga character ah secret ah vechukita dhaan, adhu pasangaluku interesting ah irrukum nu solluvaanga. Ponnunga edhayum takkunu sollita, pasangaluku interest poidum aam. If the girl takes the first step, pasangaluku ava mela interest poidum aam. Pasangala alaya vitta dhaan , avunga ponnungala value pannuvaanga num solluvaanga.
Aana, ennaku adhu sari nu thoonala. I am always the one to take first step. Yaarayum alaya vidanum nu nenaichadhum illa. Ennaku secrets nu marachu vaika aasaiyum illa. This is not some game we r playing, to win or loose. I just want to be myself. Naan enna maathika maataen.
Edaachu place ku ponum na, eppavum first poitu, mathavangaluku wait pandra aal dhaan naan. I am never late.
Ippavum, naan seekiram inga vandhutaen, aana nee innum varala, so unnaku wait pannitu irrukura maari irruku.
Oru vela, first time unna meet pannrapo, naan edaachu scene potaalum, light ah alaiya vittalum, enna purinjipa nu naan namburaen.
Yen na, naan unnaku munnadiyae inga vandhutaen, ennaku eppo dhairiyam varudho apo solluraen. Adhu vara idhu naan ennaku eludhina letter ahvae irrukatum.
Dear universe, enna yen ippadi paduthura, edaachu nalla payan ah paathu annupi vai ma. Please thirumba psycho laam venaam. Nalla kaalam neram laam paathu annupi vai. Adhu vara ennaku porumaiya irruka oru valiyayum sollu.
Naan paatukku ippo padikura maari, loveuh giveuh nu illaama B. Arch la padichirundha appovae gold medal vaangirpaen. Ippo dhaan aatam laam illama olunga padikuraen, adhukum endha sedham um illama paathuko ma.
YOU ARE READING
Dreams
PoetrySomething that i wanted my future self to know. Something that i had to solve with my present.