Dreams

Dreams part 2

12:20 am, 2.08.2020

To my future love,

           I am losing hope on love itself to begin with. I have this thought that, I was never meant to have any romantic relationship and I shouldn't even try it. Was it because of all the scary past experiences or just my growing disinterest in fairy tale love stories.

          I am too busy right now, to look out for love. I have run non stop for five years to complete my b. Arch degree, then after a huge revolt, I am finally going to do M. Arch, of course corona did spoil too much of my schedules.

          I am scared of this word called " Love ". I am going to tell you a secret. By this time last year, I was getting very close to my best friend. I was getting possessive on him, that I was being angry on my other best friends when they tried to get close to him. Sounds stupid right? , I know.

          I didn't care about this growing possessiveness, but one day, I had to confront it. I was even more scared to think that I might have started developing feelings for him. I wanted to cut out the seedling before it grows a new leaf. I plucked it out by root. I told my friend about this confusion too. He too said that it was the right thing to do, for the sake of both of our friendship.

        Nobody other than my two best friends know about this. Why am I telling you this?, to make you understand how much frustrated I am right now and how much I had to go through.

        Then, another one popped up, in this lockdown. He was texting me. I texted too. Then i suddenly felt that it was all wrong. I know, at times, he has really helped me, when I felt lonely. And I wanted to help him too. But, it was becoming a habit for him. I told him right away and stopped it. I felt like I was being used for his loneliness. I was one of the options for him. And I didn't want to be an option for anyone. Just because I am lonely, doesn't mean I should text him everyday and get close right?. I just pushed him out completely.

          I do like light hearted flirting. I do stalk some people on social media. I have  many crushes with whom I have never talked at all. I know how to keep people at distance.

         I have completely lost in touch with the part of me who was a complete romantic idiot. I no more do paintings and try sending it to people. I no more put chocolates on my crush's bag ( I have none).

        I have focused too much on my college. Last year was hectic. I had to multi task both college works as well as studying for gate. I have did to my satisfaction in all of them. I didn't even have time to think about you.

         Somedays, I feel too much of anger towards you. You might be surprised. But you don't know how much influence you have had in my life decisions.

        If I was a boy, I would have joined my friend's firm and worked with them. I might have even become one of the partners in that firm. But, I had to think about you. I don't know where you would be working and I need to be there.

         In such uncertain situations, I had to make sure of my financial independence. So, I chose M. Arch. I like teaching too. So, if I complete my masters, I can join in any college as a professor. It's not like I don't like working in an office. I am just saying that, with M. Arch I can have more freedom.

          I don't like to call these as sacrifices though. I don't know what I am doing. I am planning things keeping you in mind. Are you doing things keeping me in mind?, I don't know, maybe you are in some relationship now, or maybe you had past experiences. I have no freaking idea. I don't even know if you would read all these and reply me.

          Still, telling is my job. I do want to have romantic dates and all those Korean series kind of love. I am just waiting for you. I don't know. This is getting too much. Would we meet through an arranged marriage? , or would I fall in love? ( the second possibility is not going to happen, I know it won't. ), whatever, in the end , if you are reading this, that means somehow I fell in love, right?

             I am terrible at waiting. For now, I am just going to go on with my life.

             I was quite like a robot in school. I was too studious. I was in girls school. And even when I went to tuition, I never looked at a single boy's face. That's how rigid I was. I was focused on nothing else.

             I wanted to experience all those things in college life. I think I did though. All good things and bad things too. ( though I had too many crushes, I was never in a committed relationship. And the only thing I had close to first love ended up making me hate love ). I have enjoyed so many nights with my friends laughing and dancing and crying.

              I decided that, being rigid is the right thing for me. Being a robot, I won't get hurt again. I am not willing to experiment with my feelings again. I am just going to complete my M. Arch with the best I could do.

              Right now, what matters is what I do now. But remember, when you show up, I might not be the same person I am now. I might meet you in 2022, which is two years from now. I don't know what I will go through by that time.

               I might become more rigid. I might not have the same wishes I have now. But still, if we had met now, I would like you to take me on a long travel. Let's go somewhere far, in train or bus, with your friends. I want to know about you.

            According to me, to know about a person, going a long travel is the best thing to do. And why your friends?, to know about you and I want to be friends with them too. Let's have lots of fun, let's play games, go hiking. Do something.

            You will also learn about me, All my sides, my cute side, my angry side, my bossy side, everything. I want to see all your sides too.

            Buy me cute stuffed dolls ( I never had huge teddy bears) , it can be a cow, a cat or anything. This might sound childish. But this is a must criteria in all Korean drama. So you better do it. Cuddle together and watch Netflix series. Cook together. Go shopping together.

            There is another one of my bucket list, I wanted to get drunk at least once in my life. I did wanted to try with my friends, but we didn't, even when we had opportunity. Five years of college and that wish still remains unfulfilled. Don't think of me as an alcoholic. I am just curious. I have heard people telling that, if someone was happy, they would feel double happy, if someone was sad, they would feel double sad. I have read about it in lots of books too.

           I just want to experience it. People saying getting high, how that would feel. Some of my friends told me that it would feel like riding a roller coaster. I don't know . This wish might get fulfilled in my M. Arch, if it didn't , it is going to be your duty to fulfill it.

            I don't have lots of ideas right now. Like I said, I might not be the same person I am now. My tastes might have changed. But still, you would know what I was thinking right at this moment about you.

Yours,
The love you haven't met

( maybe we have met already, who knows. )

1:02 am , 2.8.2020