Dreams

untold conversation_6

24.6.21 - 2 am

I just couldn't sleep. Too much of confusion in my head.

1) campus interview
2) portfolio
3) this alliance

My mom keeps telling me that I should apply to the campus interview, but I didn't hear a single word like that from my dad.

I had been through lots of struggles, from taking this B. Arch course, then for studying M. Arch, I have rebelled too many times.

I can do the same now. I can scream and cry and fight that I will sit in campus interview. But I don't have the energy right now. I am tired of fighting for what I want. I am going to give this up. I can save this energy and rather fight with you.

I hope it again wouldn't be a struggle to get the basic necessities for my career in my life. I hope you will help me pave the way.

Also, Even if drop this campus interview subject, my mom keeps bringing it up. So I asked her, if at all I say I will attend campus interview, will they really allow me to go anywhere, the answer is clearly no. I told her to not give me empty promises. She wants to make sure that I wouldn't blame her in future for all the opportunities that I lost. If I really fail in my career, I would definitely blame them for putting me in this situation in the first place.

Portfolio, I want to work part time. I just want to save my stipend money and for all expenses that I am planning, I want to use my part time job money. Let's see if I succeed in getting one. " Financial independence " - to be able to spend money on people and things that I want, without being questioned by others for why I am spending. You know, the side marriage expenses like make up, buying dress for my friends, I want to do all that with this part time job money. Pray that I should finish my portfolio and get some job ASAP.

I still have one year of M. Arch. But my mind is locked in this alliance thing. I keep dreaming, I am wasting time, I know. Two of my friends got engaged / about to get engaged soon. I am thinking about how you will be.

Will I really be able to ask you everything that I wanted to ask , will I tell all the needed information boldly in our first meet itself, or it will become a conversation about bio data like it happened for my friend.

Today I couldn't even sleep without writing this. My mind is filled with thoughts. I watch non sense wedding videos. I imagine things. A part of me is scared, A part of me wants something interesting to happen.

If I flunk next semester research, the reason is you.

Also , Lockdown is killing me. I want to run out of my home.

When my mom asked me what kind of groom I want, I said no bank job, no this, no that. When my dad asked me that same question, I couldn't even open my mouth. It's a different version of shy. I just remained silent. It's weird whenever people in my home say, You are being lazy here, what will you do after marriage, it's completely weird.

Also, the couples that I am seeing recently, I don't know why, it is creating stronger expectations for you. Though I don't want to give a form to my expectations, just know that they are there.

Are you suffering like me or sleeping peacefully?