Dreams

Hate

4.7.2020, on a sleepy afternoon after lunch.

Somedays, I feel too empty, digging up old thoughts. I pushed myself to write this, but I don't know if I should any longer start with " Dear Mughil ", so here it goes.

Two years ago, I had a list of questions prepared to ask you the next time I saw you. I rehearsed it to my friends, played out the conversation on sleep less nights, but never was I able to guess any of the answers.

When i did see you after some five months, all I asked myself was, is it worth it? Is it worth it to ask him?. Then I just brushed off the list, consoling myself that asking you would have no use.

Months passed by, the questions faded. I went on with my goals and you went on with yours.

The questions silently lived through each day and they woke up to life, slowly crawling into my conscience. Me being me, wanted to be honest with myself. I won't get an answer, just like always. But asking will atleast let me stay in peace.

Why do I hate you?

This is more of a question to myself than to you. So many people would have moved on with their feelings, but nobody would have carried this much hate. All the care and the good thoughts suddenly changed into hate, hate towards all the things about the person, the same things which I admired.

Why did you lie?

I don't freaking remember the date, I last asked you to meet you. But that day, you lied. You lied that you coincidentally met one of your friends, you lied that you have office work and you went to marina after that.

The innocent me then just wanted to clear off the edges and move on , she just wanted to ask you, what college your sister is planning to join as the results have come. She was an idiot. For one damned painting, she got the name of "desperate nagging hopeless girl".

She should have just thrown it into the dustbin rather than making sure that it reached the right hands and eyes. Pity that I and her are so similar, in the name of being honest, we get ignored all the time ,for the efforts we make.

Do you really think I did GRIHA for you?

This one I heard from someone, that you told all that I did griha "for you".I don't know if you ever told that, but if I was so desperate to work with you, I would have joined gsen instead of griha, why would I uselessly create another team and work for some other trophy, how does it even makes sense that I did griha for you?

I liked certain concepts and I follow those concepts. It is definitely true that, whenever we felt tired working for griha, I would tell my team to look at gsen with citation level efforts, and I would tell them that we should also put equal efforts only then we might get anything.

The four people who worked with me know this, but how do I tell others, maybe there is no need to make others know, but still, the hard work that I had put for that trophy went in drain with this one line that 'I did that for you'.

If you were broken, was it necessary to break me too?

I don't quite remember everything, but I do remember you not giving me any kind of closure. I remember my bro telling me that it was my fault to believe the fake person, I starkly remember , him telling me on that last phone call with you, that you were fake and it was my fault to believe you. Okay maybe, being fake is not a bigger mistake than trusting someone fake.

It hurt so much, the reality that, the person that I loved was just a fragment of my imagination and nothing else. It was totally my mistake to believe something shallow as deep. Soon, I got used to it. Then came the hate for the way I was treated, hate on you, hate on myself, hate on the thought of doing all these for someone again.

That girl I was talking about remember, she was sending you good night messages every night, but you didn't reply at all. But she didn't know that you were sending good morning messages to someone else without reply from them. Such a coincidence isn't it?

Maybe you were a messed up floor with shattered glasses at that time,and everything that happened was only to make me stay away from you. I never really saw the broken glass, so I was foolish to protest.

But maybe, there was a better way to shove me away. Maybe, I shouldn't have broken myself too.

Life has already laid a different track for me and while I am busy plotting the path, sometimes I wonder, if I will ever get a closure for what I faced during that time. We both have outgrown the people that we were two years ago. Maybe you won't answer any of these questions. But I am so used to this.

Until next time,
From someone who liked your words.