Dreams

untold conversation_7

12.7.21 , 1:00 am

A dream is being repeated again and again in my head. The same dream is showing up again and again.

I am getting ready for my engagement, but I don't know who the groom is. I can see a figure, but not his face. I seem totally unprepared. I search for everything while everyone around me are much ready before me. Either I miss something or My saree is not right, something goes wrong in that dream. My friends, relatives are showing up well dressed, while I am in a messed up state, unprepared.

And this dream is coming more often now a days.

I never show up unprepared anywhere. To college , to exams, to tests , to vivas, I am always prepared. It does scare me that in this dream, I am helpless.

I have started preparing a spare makeup set, extra bangles / jewels that I might need. I have a Pinterest board with different saree and makeup looks. People around me are confused. They don't understand why I am preparing now, even though I haven't met you yet.

I started preparing for gate exam one year before the exam date. Maybe this is like that.

I don't want to be unprepared.

Physically, the dress or the make up or the jewels can be easily kept ready.

But what about mentally? , Am I mentally prepared? Will I be mentally prepared at least when I meet you?, I am not sure. This is more scary than being cautious about makeup and other things. Maybe this continuing dream is a reflection of my mental un - preparedness and fear.

Fear. Today I found out why I was so into falling in love as soon I entered college six years ago . The list of crushes, the rejections, the desire to be in a relationship, why did I run behind them? When I didn't care about any of these in school, why did I run behind them in college?

Some will say, it's because of my age. Some will say, it's because I came from a full girls school and entered co Ed.

The real reason was fear. Fear of arranged marriage maybe. I so wanted to be in a relationship, so that I can have a love marriage.

I wanted someone to accept me, I wanted someone to love me and accept my flaws. My biggest insecurity, that surgery scar. I thought if it was love , this scar wouldn't matter to him. I was so desperate at some point , for someone else to tell me that I was perfect the way I was. I lost my confidence and my self respect while searching for love from outside.

As time went on, I realized, The one person whose acceptance I need is, me. It's just me. Instead of begging someone else to see me as perfect, I started seeing my flaws and understanding them.

This scar is a part of me and I wanted myself to be bold enough to say that, If you can't accept me as I am, I don't need you. I was becoming more confident as I started valuing myself.

I won't lie, I am yearning for someone to love me, I want to love back a hundred times bigger. I want to give more than what I get.

But my self worth shouldn't be dependent on the love I get from you. It should depend on me. During difficult times, when it becomes difficult for me to  accept myself, I hope you lend a hand and bring me up.

Why am I not looking for a love marriage now? , I don't think I have the time and energy for that. Besides most of my crushes turned out to be psychos. I don't trust my own choice anymore. I don't want to be rejected again.

I hope you see beyond my flaws. Also let's complement each other.

Also, the weather was so nice yesterday. I went on a scooty ride with my friends. It was not sunny. Chill breeze with drizzling was perfect for a bike ride. All the time, I was wishing how nice it would be to go on a bike ride with you on one such day. To hug you tight as you speed up and to share ear pods, listen to songs as the breeze crosses us.

If you don't have this amount of imagination like me, what would I do?, should I imagine on your part too?

Have you ever wished that I was there in your life right now? To share those beautiful moments or to give a shoulder for you to rest on.