Dreams

untold conversation _3

25.4.21 - at 2 am

It is frustrating. I am not sure, but I think someone rejected me on seeing my photo. I heard my parents murmuring.I really don't have time to even think about that. I don't care that much. But still, what can a photo say about anyone.

I have no one to tell this. But I wish, You are not like them. I seriously wish that you should read all my writings and you would understand me.

I am not tall, I am not fair,i am not in the shape that boys will find attractive.

I know that I am healthy, I have the right weight for my height, even though people think I am underweight. Even after one year of lockdown, I didn't gain that much weight. This is my body type. I walk everyday, I keep my weight in control.

I haven't missed a single period in my life till now. I have record of my period dates for three years now. I am healthy, still why does this society make me feel like I should gain weight?

I have taken a field where my mind has to work even when I am sleeping. I am constantly working hard to do better in my studies. I am setting goals and working for them. Why that is not appreciated?

They can test the bride in arranged marriage. Every mother and sister of the groom has that responsibility, to choose the correct girl for their son or brother.

Instead of looking for skin color and body shape, can't they look for a girl who has good social values? , a girl who has basic knowledge about health , so that she would know what to do when someone falls sick, shouldn't they look for a girl who is strong enough to take decisions in the family instead of waiting for others?, shouldn't they see the knowledge of that girl?, shouldn't they check her morale? , if she would respect and love even if future issues come.

All these they don't see, they ll want a fair girl with nice shape and with lots of gold, so that they can proudly tell their relatives. Then after 10 years , when that girl cuts off all her relationship with her in laws , they would go around blaming that girl. Whose fault was that?

I am not perfect physically. My skin color, my body type, my face, all these were given to me. I can't change them. They are out of my control.

But my character, my friendships, my knowledge, my dedication were all built by me.

Should I be valued based on what was given to me or what was built by me?

I went through a surgery when I was just 8 years old. It left a scar on my stomach. I might have told you this already. If you are reading this, then it means that you accepted me knowing that scar.

It was a life threatening situation for me. I suffered that pain in that age. That surgery had a huge impact on my life for the next five years. It took me a great courage to grow over the fear.

My physical imperfections are the symbols of all those past struggles. I accept myself as I am.

I am proud of them.

I have a huge forehead. My tamil teacher in school told me that, girls with small forehead like the crescent moon were considered beautiful in literature. Mine was not a crescent moon. I started comparing my face with other girls. I started to feel insecure.

But one day, I realized that this big forehead means that I have a big brain. If I am much more intelligent than many other girls, it's because of that. Instead of comparing myself with other girls, I looked at Anjelina Joulie, she has a big forehead, she doesn't give a fuck about it. Jasmine tookes, a super model has big forehead, that didn't stop her. Gal Gadot, the wonder Woman has a big forehead, can anyone say that she is not beautiful?

There are so many things like this, where  I was forced to feel bad about myself.

If I ever have a daughter, I am going to make sure that she knows who to compare herself with.

Fuck the standards of this society.

True beauty is in the imperfections.

Also, I got lucky with my project guide.

Sometimes, I do question myself why I am thinking this much about you. Somehow, I miss you.

Why are you taking so long to reach me?

Some people said, I should be very happy being single, only then I would get into a relationship. If I am very happy being single, why would I need a relationship?

I don't know, can't you just show up?, I don't want another ass hole to reject me by seeing my photo. I am not sure if some idiot rejected me, but if they did, you should show them they did wrong.

Yes, I am desperate. I shouldn't be. I know, I should be putting this energy into my review works. But here I am typing letters to your future.