Dreams

Untold conversations_10

23.9.2021, 9:45 pm

On a chilly night, with drizzling rain, all alone in my hostel.

Finally , I am back at my hostel, in my dream Nit trichy life. But it wasn't what I dreamt about.

People here are different, They make me question myself. They try to dominate me. They say that I am not mature enough.

I am learning to be myself, to be happy with myself.

I had always been a part of a group, and now to be alone is difficult. But I need to be myself and I shouldn't give up on myself just to be in a group.

More than anytime, I am wanting you to be here now.

If I was in my home I wouldn't have had lots of freedom I have here, still I miss my home.

At late nights, I wish I have you to talk hours and hours.

When it's drizzling, I wish I had you to give me a warm hug.

When it's scary to be alone in my room, I wish you were here to cuddle with me.

I keep on seeing repeating numbers. I go and search for all sorts of meaning, waiting everyday, expecting when you will show up.

It is scary though, this process of arranged marriage. Someone might reject me. But still I wish I had met you now.

I wish I had a friend I could depend on. I wish I had a best friend who wouldn't judge me for who I am and help me become a better version of myself.

28.9.2021

Why is this so confusing😵

I am clueless about what is going on inside my head.

I have no clear answer for anything!

Is this because of peer pressure or is this because everyone around me are in a relationship?

I don't know.

It's all roses and beaches when I dream about you. I waste hours with my friends talking about how it will be after we get into a relationship.

People are in fact tired of hearing about you. They are confused too. One day I am so ready to get married, and the next day I am scared of it. I don't know what I want.

My friends wonder how I can talk hours on this topic when I bloody hadn't even met you yet. It is quite frustrating for me too. I couldn't focus on anything. This is like an endless loop.

And Even google doesn't have the answer to my questions. I had never been this confused in my life. I always knew what I wanted and went for it. Now, I am clueless.

I was quite depressed after some days of staying in hostel. I used you as a distraction to escape from my problems. It was just daydreaming hoping that I would have some company. But I knew that nobody can save me.

So, I stood up for myself and everything was becoming clear. I really wanted to stop waiting for you.

Every time someone calls from my home in an unexpected time, I pick up the call with loud heartbeats, a small hope that it would be about you, But I could also hear my stomach grumbling in fear, thinking about all the responsibilities that comes with you.

I am not as bold as I thought I was. While the dreams felt so good, I was scared of the reality.

I was even doing meditation. Now, everything seems useless.

How do I make this muddled water clear? How do I make the sand settle inside my mind? Should I wait patiently? Should I not shake it up till it settles down?

What should I do?

What do I really want?, this is the question I have no answer now. I know as  a person I shouldn't place any expectations on you. But I really need a timeline. I know everything is uncertain, but to calm my mind, I need to put an imaginary timeline.

Okay, Let's assume that we might get engaged by November ( as per my friend's dream), So, We may meet by October?, okay, let me assume like this.

So I need to stop talking to everyone about this topic for a month. This is my bet.

Will I win or not?

Cringe kavidhaigal - 30.9.21
Un thedalo kadhal thedal dhaan, en thedaloh kadavul thedum bhakthan pola.

11:11, 2:22 ethanai dhdavai vandhaalum, en mudhal aasai nee aanai.

Indha manda kaayura kolapathilum, wait pannitu irrukaen. Aana nee nimmadhiya thoongitu irrupa. Naan nalla thoongi moonu naal aachu. Munna laam padutha thoongirvaen, ippo kanna mooda kooda mudiyala. Idhu naan nu ennalayae namba mudiyala.

1.10.2021
Indha maasam nee yaarnu ennaku therinjiruma?, iduku mela ennala wait panna mudiyathu.

Ennakunu pudhusa vaangi vecha sareeyum, necklace um en kannukulla vandhu pogudhu, eppo adha potutu ready aaga poraen nu.

100 facial kit irruku, unna paaka varanum nu sonna podhum, en kaal tharai la irrukaadhu.

Eppo un photo ennaku varum? Eppo un per theriyum? Eppo unna stalk panni unna pathi ellam therinjipaen? Eppo en friends ta call panni padhatathoda unna pathi solluvaen? Ellam munnadiyae therinjum, edhumae theriyaadha maari eppo unna meet pannuvaen?

In all these 24 years of my life, this wish to find a romantic relationship has been constant. Why was it there in the first place?, I don't know.

But i am sure of one thing, I had never been this much desperate as I am now.

At some point in my life, I thought support, love, care all these things can easily be gained and given by just family and friends. Then why do i need a relationship for company ?

Though sexual needs play a huge part in this need for a romantic relationship, I don't think it's all that is behind it.

Is it pressure from society to be in a relationship?, Is it all the effects from movies and books?, Why am I really wanting this?

To be very honest, I don't know. I wouldn't say my life is void or anything. I am surrounded by friends and my life feels complete.

There is no sensible reason. And after a long time, I am feeling this again, that love doesn't need to be sensible. And I need to accept it as it is.

I don't know what you are going to bring into my life, but when you come I hope I am not in this mess of a mind. I know I am a work in progress, but still I want to show you my better self.

This is the last chapter. Real real last chapter. If I write about this again, it will be only when I need to meet you.