Rain ~ Nomin

26 • jealousy

• small tw

"Let us pray." the pastor said as the funeral progressed. Jeno had promised himself to not cry, but he failed. His hand intertwined with Jaemin's for comfort, but secretly, as for whatever reason there were cameras. It's not like his father was someone famous or worth all these cameras, but because Jeno and his group were there, of course there would be cameras.

"You okay?" Jaemin whispered. Jeno simply nodded, not uttering a word. He looked ahead at where his father laid.

"Mr. Lee was a great man; a man who looked after his children and wife until their passing. And he continued to look after them, until his passing." the pastor continued. Lies was all Jeno thought. His father wasn't a great man. His father would not accept of his boyfriend. His father didn't accept his job as an idol at first. But, who was he to say that aloud.

"Mr. Lee looked after his only child, Jeno, and gave Jeno as much as love a parent could." Lies Jeno thought again. Jeno was sent off to Seoul on his own to work as his mother's wish. His father is not a good man. But, Jeno still felt anger, sympathy, sadness. Even though he had thought badly of his father, he still knew he would miss him deeply.

Jeno felt movement on his hand and looked down quickly to see Jaemin rub his thumb over Jeno's knuckles. Jaemin must have known what Jeno was thinking, as Jeno clenched his hands a little at the words the pastor said.

And so the procession continued. Too many lies Jeno thought to himself. Whoever wrote the script did not know his father like he did, but he had no right to say anything he thought. He should let outsiders think he was a good man.

•••

Jeno got into the car and rested his head on Jaemin's shoulder. Jaemin moved his hand to play with Jeno's hair, stroking it gently.

"So... when do you want to go home?" Jaemin spoke quietly. Jeno looked up to him, concern present on Jaemin's face.

"Hmm... tomorrow? We're free right?" Jeno said quietly, moving his head to sit comfortably.

"Yeah. Now, try get some sleep okay. You haven't slept in ages. You look like a ghost." Jaemin said, kissing the top of Jeno's head. Jeno would be lying if he said he had gotten enough sleep over the past month. He had been too stressed over planning a funeral, getting distant relatives together, and now visiting his family home in over 4 years. It was all too much it seemed. He felt as if he couldn't breathe.

As the car drove away from his father's grave, the grave next to his mother and sister's, now filled with another family member, Jeno drifted off to sleep.

•••

"Are you ready?" Jaemin asked as he put on his shoes. The two boys had gotten up early as the home was quite far away.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Jeno smiled a little, zipping up his coat.

"Why are you up so early?" a voice said from the living room. Jeno turned to see Renjun, half-awake as he stumbled into the kitchen.

"I could say the same for you." Jeno laughed a little.

"Yeah yeah whatever. Have you eaten?" Renjun asked as Jeno nodded. The smaller boy sighed. "At least bring something with you." he said as he picked up a tub. "What do you want? Cereal, fruit..."

"Renjun, it's fine. We can buy something at a shop nearby." Jaemin said as he put on his coat. Renjun stood silent before putting the small tupperware box away.

"If you say so, but it would be nice if I could be of some help too." Renjun said. His voice came out more annoyed and spiteful that it was meant to be, but he was still annoyed.

"What-" Jeno asked, but before he could answer Renjun spoke again.

"You know, it's annoying how you've only leant on Jaemin. I get it, he's your boyfriend whatever. But there are other people here too." Renjun spat. His voice got progressively louder.

"Renjun... what are you-" Jaemin said but was silenced by Renjun.

"Shush! What I'm trying to say is that you only rely on Jaemin! What about us? There are so many of us. We're all close but you only seem to pay attention to Jaemin. It's so irritating how he gets told everything. He was the first to know about your father, your mother and sister! Why not us? Why not me? Why not anyone else in our group?" Renjun said loudly, his voice almost at a shout.

"Renjun, please don't be angry." Jaemin said quietly. He never was a fan of conflict, let alone with a close friend. Renjun sighed deeply.

"Just... why didn't we know as well..?" Renjun said, quieter this time. Jeno stood there at a loss for words. He didn't exactly know why Renjun was upset, all he knew is that he was upset.

"It's... it's just that..." Jeno said before going silent.

"I don't want an excuse... I just want the truth... the cold and harsh truth..." Renjun whispered.

"What... no- Renjun-"

"Do you just not like us? Do you not trust us like you trust Jaemin? Tell me, please. I... I just need an answer..." Renjun pleaded before going silent. Thankfully, for everyone, someone had managed to break up the conflict.

"Yah! Renjun! What are you doing?" Jisung said, rushing over to move Renjun away. He turned back to Jeno and Jaemin. "Just go, I'll deal with him." Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other in confusion before nodding and leaving.

Jisung sat Renjun on the couch and went to bring a blanket. By the time he got back, Renjun had began to cry.

"Jisung... I think I fucked it all up again." Renjun sobbed quietly. Jisung sighed a little and pulled the older boy into a hug.

"I'm sure you didn't. It'll be okay." Jisung assured Renjun.

"I really messed it up. Why... why why why... I was so close to getting over it." Renjun whispered to himself, but Jisung heard.

"Getting over... oh..." Jisung said quietly. "Are you jealous of them?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes- no... I don't know." the older boy stuttered. "Fuck... I am jealous. Why can't I also be someone who gets told things..?" Renjun sobbed harder at his realisation. He knew that his argument was stupid, but it pains him how he was always told later than Jaemin. Always.

"Hey, it's okay." Jisung reassured Renjun, but he kept crying.

"Why did I have to mess it all up again."

•••