Distance

18

I still had a tang of "hate" towards Hayden at this time. He always said everything right. He always had the right answers. He always played everything perfectly, even if we were sight-reading music. He had awesome friends. He and Marcos got along so well....But they never really included me much, which made me sad and angry. I wanted to feel welcome, but I didn't. I didn't want to be rude to them and interrupt their conversations. One time, the music we were playing had a lower octave and a higher octave; we could choose what we wanted to play. Hayden went along and whispered over to Marcos--but not without me overhearing--"You should play the higher part--" he glanced over at me then, pointing at the sheet music for Marcos and noticing I was looking at him as he spoke-- "Or...Err....We ALL should..." Good boy. I thought. I was acknowleged by you. For ONCE. Finally! I felt superior, and I enjoyed it. Around that time, I even had instances where I'd look at him--actually LOOK at him during band--and think, Ew. Why the fuck do I like you again? Your face is covered in zits and your nose is huge and has AN INDENT IN IT and those fucking jeans you wear....ew.. They're a gross light blue and are way too short for your legs and don't fit you well at all....I want to murder you every time you wear them....Which is like every other day...GET OTHER PANTS YOU BITCH.

 One night I was on Facebook talking with my friend Rachel. She used to go to the same school as me, but she changed districts due to bullying. I decided to ask her if she knew Hayden since they were in the same grade. When I asked, she went: "YESS!! HES SO ADORABLE OMFG <3" and I couldn't help but laugh. She clearly liked him, which was nice to hear! She told me that she used to go to daycare with him when they were toddlers and they used to be the BEST friends. I found that absolutely adorable! I just imagined them both running around with one another and being all cute and kid-like...I'd love to witness that!

The next day Rachel invited me over to her house. My Sadie Hawkin's dance was coming up on November 16th, which was about 2 weeks away, and she said "Why don't you ask Hayden? You guys would be soooo cute together!" but I felt...hesitant. I was already debating whether or not to ask my best guy friend Marcus (NOT Marcos...), only because that kid is absolutely the most crazy, perverted, weird little boy I've ever met, and I thought we'd have a fantastic night together. But...He was just so sexual that it scared me a bit. I always told Najwa stories about him--things he's said to me or random stuff he's brought up in conversations, like calling bagels with cream cheese "cum bagels" --which is still said and laughed at every single time it was mentioned--along with many many other crazy things. If I even spend a few minutes talking with him, he always ends up making my day. Or even week. Najwa's said that I'm as bad as him--sexually--and I can't help but feel....Embarrassed about that, I suppose? I don't know. He's just so over the top sometimes and immature that I feel almosted insulted to be compared to him. Yeah, sure, I'm pretty perverted sometimes, but I...can control it, if you want to put it that way. This kid, he can't. At all. But with that aside, I asked him one day if he was going to Sadies, and he said no. So....that pretty much ruined my plans.

I thought, hey, I could ask Hayden just as friends, because he's cool, right? Why not give it a try!? But...I didn't want him getting the wrong idea: that I wanted to be with him. Because in reality, that's not what I wanted at all. Sure, I could sometimes imagine myself with him, but overall it would just be....weird. And wrong. I was meant to be with Najwa.

When I went to Rachel's house, we worked on writing stories, did some homework, and had a great deal of talking about you-know-who. We mainly just talked though. We do that a lot whenever we hang out....and I like it. I don't talk much with people otherwise.

My mom came to pick me up at 5:30 since it was a school night, and Rachel walked me out to the car. When I climbed into the passanger seat, Rachel belted out, "TELL YOUR MOM ABOUT HAAYYYDEENNN!!" My eyes immediately went wide and I started to panic. I never fucking told her about him you dipshit! "SHHHH!!!" I yelled out over the rolled-down car window. My mom just looked at me and smiled, and I said "bye" to Rachel. Then she started to drive away.