Distance

13

Just in time, I got the chance to see a local band that I love called The Role Call. The fact that I got to go to a concert to let go of some steam calmed me down for a while. I learned about the band from the interviewer Bryan Stars, and it just so happens to be that I'm somewhat related to the lead singer, Steve Zerwas. He and I have the same aunt, so I thought that was pretty rad! I told him about this over twitter, and when I saw him at the venue, he recognized me from my twitter picture, which I was surprised about. I thought I would have to go up to him and explain everything: who I was from twitter (which would mean mentioning my twitter username....Awkwaaaard!), telling him what my name was and how the heck we were related. But I didn't have to do any of that! Whew! Plus, my sister tagged along with me so I wouldn't be alone (she was well enough emotionally to come with me) so if need be, she could back me up! I also talked to their guitarist, Max, a lot on twitter. We talked so much and he favorited all of my tweets to him so often that we were practically already best friends. When I got into the venue, I looked all around for him but he was nowhere to be seen! I searched all around, but soon gave up and claimed a spot in the very right corner, in the front of the growing crowd. There weren't many people at the show when I got there, and at the max there were only about 30 to 50 people. Since it was a pop rock show, there weren't mosh pits either. I actually liked this a lot!

I eventually found Steve and Max before the show started, and they both recognized me from twitter! It made me feel so special for the first time in a long time....It was an amazing feeling. When I went up to Max, he immediately got a big smirk across his face and pulled me in for a hug, saying "I'm so glad you could make it!!" This left me too shocked for words, and all I could do was hug the hell out of him and smile and laugh. When he tried to talk, I could hardly hear him over the band that was currently playing, so we had to sneak to the back of the venue near the merch tables. There I hugged him and we talked for a few minutes, but then he had to leave for some reason. So with that, I ran back to my spot in the crowd at the front of the barricade!

 All of the bands that played were local. The first, called Little Time Off, were pretty good. No one in the room knew the words to their songs except for a very enthusiastic girl with curled blond hair that looked to be around 16. She bounced around and ran all over the place, belting out the lyrics to all of their songs. She waved at one of the guitarists, and when he waved and smiled back, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. I would have normally thought this was annoying, but given the circumstances that this was a reasonably small show and she seemed pretty nice, I thought it was cute! Next up was The Picture Perfect. The lead singer played the piano--not some dinky little keyboard, but an actually piano--and he went crazy during one of the songs! He had an amazing voice, and he got so into it that he jumped up onto the piano and nearly stage dived into the tiny crowd that was huddled up against the barricade. After them, The Role Call finally played. I got my camera ready to take lots of pictures, and I had a HUGE smile on my face! When they all walked up on stage, I waved to Steve and Max. Steve waved, while Max smiled at me and stuck his tongue out. Max was such a goof!!

The Role Call played about 5 songs, and since they weren't the main band, two other bands played after them. I didn't really care about them though to be honest, so I went back to their merch table and hung out with Steve and Max for the rest of the night. I bought a shirt and a CD, and Max kept coming up to me and going "I love your shirt!" and all I could do was smile and blush and go "Thanks! I do too!".I hugged him about a bajillion times. I remember that, for our last hug of the night, I wrapped my arms around his waist and did the thing where you rock one another back and forth, getting really into the hug. When I did that, he went along with me and we nearly tipped over! We were laughing, and then we both let go of one another. I was dizzy from rocking back and forth with him and ended up dropping the CD I had bought of theirs and had them all sign. I frowned, tapping his shoulder and yelling over the loud booming of the speakers that I dropped it and had no idea where it went because it was pretty dark where we were. He understood, being nice enough to bend over and look for it for me. When he found it he smiled at me, and I took it from his hand. Though when I reached out, our hands touched and even after I had the CD in my grip, our fingers were twirling together for some reason. I don't think either of us noticed it really, but I didn't mind. It wasn't awkward, mainly because it wasn't like he was a lot older than me--he only just turned 19! And we both got along so well, we didn't even have to try! A little later, I hung out with Steve for a while. Me, my sister and him talked and he shared with us some brownies he and the band had made as a snack for the show. The thing was, it was special treatment! He never offered anyone else other than Sam and I if we wanted any. When I ate it, I nearly died because it was so good! It was extremely chocolaty and chewy and it just melted in your mouth. Whoever had made those was bound to be my new best friend!!

Sam and I ended up leaving after talking with Steve. It was only around 8 PM, but we were both exhausted. We called my dad to come pick us up, and we waited outside the venue with lots of other people (some of them drunk) who were waiting for rides or having a cigarette.

That night, by far, had been the best night in my life in a while.

But that happiness didn't last for long.

The next day I was immediately down in the dumps again. I didn't look forward to anything again, and I was like a walking zombie. How on earth could I be so happy one day, and then the next I'm completely down again?

My sister suggested we watch a movie. She had no idea what was going on in my life because I didn't tell her about it--I didn't tell ANYONE about it--so I had to hide my depression once again. I thought a movie would get my mind off things, but I was wrong.

The movie we watched was called Girl, Interrupted. It was about a girl who was Borderline. She was suicidal and had to be put into a mental hospital, like the pysch wards my sister had to be placed in in the past.

At first my mood was fine, but as the movie went on I started to get in a horrid mood where all I wanted to do was cry. I texted Najwa, and she actually texted back for the first time in a while. This momentarily made me happy, but then as we started talking I realized how much I missed her. I told her how I had wanted to drink the vodka my brother has forgotten all about in the fridge just to get my mind off stuff. I also told her about how I had wanted to hurt myself by throwing myself down the stairwell during school, but that I was ultimately too scared to. This scared the shit out of her, and frankly I don't blame her at all. It would scare me if she were talking like that, too... I promised her that I wouldn't do anything I was saying that I wanted to do because I was too afraid.

Pretty soon I started to cry. But silently, so my sister who was next to me wouldn't notice. It got so bad that eventually I had to cover my eyes, pretending to cuddle into the blankets that I was underneath. I wanted to lose it, but I couldn't let myself. I wouldn't.

Once I settled down, I took my arms away from my face and looked back up at the TV screen again. Sam then noticed my eyes were slightly glazed over from crying, and she asked what was wrong.

"I'm just tired..." I mumbled.

Like the other times, that was completely a lie.