Distance

19

 I don't know why, but I felt a bit embarrassed at the fact that Hayden wasn't able to go to the dance with me. Sure, yeah, those things happen, no big deal, but I didn't want to face him...To look at him. Or talk to him. I guess it might have been the fact that I actually asked him, and he knew that I asked him. I was self-conscious and really didn't want him thinking that I like liked him, but then again, what did I even know anymore? I wasn't sure if I did actually like him, or if I was just hooked on the feeling of comfort and laughter in times where, otherwise, I had everything but that. I was confused and frustrated and I don't even remember what else. Najwa and I were hardly talking--for real now--and I was heartbroken because of that. Things were just awkward between us. Though whenever she tweeted, she seemed fine.

She seemed fine.

 Little did I know, she was far from that. She was miserable. She seemed to cover it up reasonably well though, just as I had been doing for the past two months or so. Once she tweeted that "now that I'm single..." one of her really good guy friends asked her out. I knew about him--I was more than fine with the fact that they're best friends (I mean, I'd be a total bitch if I wasn't alright with it)--and he's totally cool. But...she was SO okay, right after we had just called on a break, that she could just go on dating HIM now? She was over me that quickly? After almost a year?! And she'd told me before that she wasn't attracted to him like that at ALL, and I believed her! As soon as I read the tweet, my heart and stomach dropped and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the gut and skinning me and burning me alive all at the same time. How could she do that to me?  I was furious and heartbroken beyond belief. She also tweeted a picture along with the tweet, and I felt tempted to look at it, but was terrified that it would be of them kissing or something. I thought I'd be better off with just not knowing....so I let it slide. I decided I would try to get my mind off of Najwa as much as I possibly could. I wouldn't listen to 

I felt empty. Like, more empty than before. Now that I was actually  "single" (I hated having to say that), I felt like I had nobody to talk to about....everything. I'd lost the person that meant the most to me, and it didn't hit me until now. Although I figured that I did what I could, and when everything was better, we would be back together again. But how did I know that? I felt as if she didn't want me or need me anymore.

 With all of this happening now, it somehow made me even more into Hayden, which made me feel disgusting. But I couldn't exactly control it. I needed someone. Still. And on top of that, Hayden and Marcos really started to get close. Like....bromance close. They would constantly be talking and Marcos would tell Hayden everything, but me, nothing. I guess you could say I was a bit jealous. Okay, yeah...I was jealous. For a few reasons though. One: because I felt left out. Marcos would always talk to him...and I wanted to feel welcome. I felt like they were almost sexist, because you know, WHO wants to talk to a girl?! But whatever....And, two: because I secretly wanted to kill Marcos because Hayden was devoting all of his precious time to him. I wanted to be talked to...But no. I was...selfish, really. Once I went an entire week without saying a word during the class period. That reminded me how much they really paid attention to me sometimes. Ha, none, that's what. I remember that week pretty damn well, too. Though I suppose I shouldn't complain very much because sitting back for an hour per day and listening in on their conversations made me feel a lot better. It all really started to blossom that week, though; the week where I was kind-of-sort-of-was....but-hoping-I-really-wasn't single. I was going to force myself to try to be as happy as I could. And happiness would only mean being in the band room, and taking advantage of it.

 Marcos and Hayden's bromance kicked it off with, "That'a boyyyy!!" every freaking time either of them played something correctly or answered a question correctly that Hoehn asked. It was cute, but again....I was jealous. It was especially funny though when one day the class was chatting loudly while Mr. Hoehn was trying to quiet everyone down. The class eventually shut up, and just as that had happened--like, literally--Marcos and Hayden, at the exact same time, screamed, "THAT'A BOYYY!!!" and when everyone heard it, all eyes were on them, wide-eyed. When I looked around the room to see nearly every face in the room staring at them, I couldn't help but burst out laughing, my face getting all red. Hoehn didn't think it was particularly funny, so I calmed down and nudged Marcos' shoulder. "Nice one.." I mumbled, smirking. He smiled back, embarrassed, and shrugged over towards Hayden.