Distance

15

The following few days, however, didn't go as well. I was constantly sad again and the thoughts of sneaking alcohol continued. I felt like I had no one to talk to anymore, except for maybe people on twitter. I started to relate to more songs on my iPod (More...depressing ones) like Following the Signs by The Role Call--about running away and itching to do something different--and Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace--about being fed up with stuff in your life and just wanting to let go of it all. 

It was a full six days after I had gone to The Role Call concert, near the end of September, and Najwa was still...absent. While scrolling down my Timeline one day, I saw some tweets of Steve's. Suddenly I got the idea of messaging him and asking him for advice. He's smart, and we're kind of related, and I think he would be able to help me! So I should, right? Right.

I tweeted him then, asking if I could message him on Facebook about something...Important. He said sure, that it was fine, but that he it may take a while for him to reply because Thursday's at work are busy for him. I was more than okay with that, and I said thank you. Right after he told me I could message him, I did just that. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to tell/ask of him yet, but I just wanted to get some of the stuff that was stuck in my head, out.

My message, word for word, read as follows:

"Hey Steve! I asked you if I could message you earlier and you said that was fine? (: Well I was wondering if you could give me advice or something.... I haven't exactly been myself for the past few months (except for at the show Friday night. I was totally myself only because I think I was so happy I couldn't stand it haha)...I have a lot of stuff going on in my family. My dad (auntie Cherie's brother, Larry) is abusive to my mom, verbally and emotionally. He pretty much always has been, and he has major anger issues...But lately it's been getting to me more than usual. He's never lashed out at me, but lashes out at the rest of my family (especially my older sister, who you met Friday night as well). He calls my mom names like bitch and swears at her all the time and has said things like "fuck off" or "I hate you" and crap... I'm not normally an angry person at all (or at least it takes a LOT to get me angry) and I find myself getting angry at him so much lately that I can't take it anymore. I can't take my house anymore with everyone yelling and screaming at each other while I just sit on the computer 24/7 to try and block it all out. I'm just so introverted that I never talk about it with anyone except for my girlfriend. She lives in Ohio though so we usually text...She's in college at the moment so she doesn't have time to talk on the phone. I wish I could live somewhere else, but I'm still a minor, so technically I can't, right? Unless it was with direct relatives? I don't know...I mean I'd feel horrible if I went to live with a friend for a while or relative that was nice enough to let me stay with them, because my family would miss me, and I would miss my mom and my sister.... Oh, and then my dad is homophobic, which really pisses me off. He doesn't know that I'm bisexual and I'm scared to tell him because I don't know what he'd do. And he doesn't know I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now...

Also, all of my brothers and my sister (who are all over the age of 21) still live in my house, and there's no room or space for privacy anymore. I'm 15 years old, and I'd like to be an only child but my mom doesn't want to kick them all out because her mother did that when she was just 17, and she had to pay for her college and her house and everything...

Anyways, I've just been so down for the past few months (but I have good days too. Lately since Friday night, seems that I'm in a good mood for exactly one day, and then the next day is shit, and the next I'm perfectly fine again...) and I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure it's just a mixture of stress/anger towards my dad, frustration with my girlfriend living 700 miles away and hardly being able to talk with her, and school and wanting to get out of my house for once. I never get to do anything very fun because we don't have much money at all, which I know is typical nowadays. Friday night was the best night I've had in a long, long long time, and I really want to thank you for that. (: