Thank You, Corona

5. Angry

It has finally been a week. Since school started online. I honestly thought I'd be excited for online classes, but they are a bore! I miss school.

Wow. That's a sentence I didn't expect to hear from myself. Even though I felt really guilty, I didn't pay attention in class. At all. I usually just went through Instagram or watched YouTube. Online classes made everything ten times more boring. Even though I had my board exams in December. Every time I thought about it, I felt guiltier. So, I just pushed to the back of my head.

However, the back of my head wasn't so secure any more. Nowadays, I have been reading so many grisly tidings as Americans strike against the lock down and safety measures. The feeling of apprehension was hovering all too clearly in the air. Also, I couldn't help but read the most depressing and gloomy novels. Why? Because I love them. Even though they make me cry for hours, I still read them. To make it worse, the novels have been getting darker. It's as if there is a creature inside me. Who feeds on sadness. And it has somehow taken over my brain and manipulates me into feeding it. Okay, that sounds like something from a superhero comic, but you get the point. And my unintentional love for it has only grown since Mom's death.

Since Mom's death... Sometimes, it just hits me. Like when I was tying up my shoelaces yesterday, I had a flashback. Mom helping me tie them when I was six. Mom moving her soft, delicate fingers through the string, smiling at me the whole time. Mom pushing my hair behind her hair and planting a kiss on my cheek. Mom and hugging me as I climbed on the school bus. Mom waving me... good bye. I had collapsed on the floor right there and then and burst into noisy tears.

This wasn't fair, I had thought, as I sat on the cold floor of my room, back against the walls, tears silently fighting their way out of me. Why my mother? I only got 16 years with her. It wasn't fair at all. I needed more time. I wanted more time with her. How am I going to get through this? I had wiped my tears, but they just kept coming. I was crying, and the creature inside me was happily purring.

It was terrible that I had to stay strong for Christina and Suzanne. What was worse was that they would have to pass the toughest years of their lives without her. It was then that I made up my mind. I wouldn't let them suffer like I did. My teen years were torture. Hell. Half the time I just wanted to die. But now, I didn't want to. Now I just wanted to live. Purely and only for my sisters.

After a few days, I got sick of it. I got sick of moping it around. So I decided to call back home at Paris. I was sitting in my room with the door closed, alone and it was afternoon. It was Aunt Aubrey who picked up. I had video called her so the first thing I saw was her face, obviously. But I wasn't ready for the huge illusion that hit me.

For a few seconds, for a few glorious seconds, I thought it was Mom. I thought Mom was alright, I was video calling her, everything was going to be just fine. But then that wonderful deception I was a victim of cleared up and I was looking at my Aunt, who was shockingly similar to my Mom. Feeling disappointed, as if someone had brought me a beautiful, sky colored balloon, but it popped the second I held it.

'Bonjour ma douce!' she greeted.

'bonjour!' I smiled back. Our conversation continued in French, and went something like this:

'How are you?' she asked softly.

'Still healing,' I replied.

'And Christina? Suzanne? And Charles?'

'They are all good too, but like I said, still getting used to.'

'It'll take some time,' she agreed.

We talked out 'me' some more. I told her about online classes, Mariam, my growing feelings for Chase, my burnt caramel- glazed chicken, everything.