Thank You, Corona

9. Park

I was confused. So very, confused. I needed to figure things out, but my head was starting to hurt. I groaned and pulled the box of lollipops from under my bed, and took one. The window was right besides my bed, and I gazed out, trying to remember if Mom ever told me the location of something. Maybe she did, but what if I was too busy to focus? Or what if she gave me hints, and I was supposed to find out myself? And who was I in danger from? I didn't have anything valuable. I didn't know any secrets.

My headache was getting worse, and I could hear drums pounding in my head. My glasses had slipped off, so everything seemed blurry, and my fingers were all sticky because of the lollipop. I was tangled in the bed sheets, all hot and sweating. I tried to relax, and breathed slowly, and deeply. It didn't work. I threw the lollipop in the bin.

I could feel the tears coming to my eyes for no reason, but I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to break down. I felt angry, upset, and nothing felt right. My thoughts kept directing me towards negative conclusions. I felt betrayed that Dad didn't trust me. But it was for my safety. But wasn't I responsible enough? A battle was raging inside my head, and I couldn't control it. It felt like I was just a shell filled with negative thoughts.

I knew I was feeling like this because of my monthly, but that didn't make it any better. I just didn't know what to think anymore. I buried my head in arms. My thoughts were jumbled up, everything was flashing. I could hear echoes of the conversation I had just overheard, I could hear Mariam's warning, I could hear Christina snapping at me, and now my head was spinning. I clutched it blindly, my breath now ragged and jerky. My heart felt like it was pumping, my chest was hurting. I gulped. I was scared. And then fear engulfed me. Fear so strong, I froze. My hands were shaking, right over my heart, I was trembling, and I was freezing cold. Everything seemed so dark. I was sobbing loudly now.

I needed someone, but no voice came out of my mouth. It just kept opening and closing like a gold fish. I gasped, and my hands grabbed something to steady myself. The room was spinning. I was on the floor, and for one second, it felt my breath stopped. I now knew what people meant when they say that they saw their life flash before their eyes. I did.

I think I literally saw my whole future collapse before me. Everything. It was all just dark, I couldn't see anything, but darkness. I have never cried louder. Why was I all alone? Why wasn't someone with me right now? I was going to die and no one cared. Unable to take it any longer, I screamed. Screamed all my fear, depression, anxiety out. My voice came out cracked.

An arm closed around me. I knew it was death's. I choked.

'Shhh...' said a voice, softly,' it's all right.'

It was more comforting than I thought. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. I closed my eyes.

'...So it was just a panic attack?' I heard a male voice say. I still couldn't see anything; it was all dark. I was lying on something soft, and I was surprisingly warm. Slowly, I started feeling my limbs, but I still felt too tired to move them.

So I was alive. I wanted to yell, but I had no energy in me. Why did I survive? I was supposed to die! I don't belong in this horrible world.

'yes, I suppose it occurred because of some stress she may be experiencing right now, but I have left a list of exercises that may help her cope with it next time,' another male voice spoke.

'next time?' a third voice spoke, that too of a male, but it was less deep.

'I am afraid so; panic attacks don't really stop at once.'

I heard one of them sigh heavily.

'In fact, you were lucky this young man was with her at the time, her heart rate was really high when I checked her.'