If Only...(Scömìche)

It Should Have Been Me (Part 2)

Red is the colour of love. On Valentines day, the cards are red. To prove your love to someone, you send them red roses. 'You bought be a red dress!' women say. 'Red is my favourite color!'. Why is red associated with so many good things? Red is the colour that pours from my arm when I think about the guilt. Red is the colour I see when people pity me. Red is the colour of the man I will meet when I finally die. My arm aches from the scars. My body is filled with a numbness that I can't describe and don't want to feel. My blade is my escape from that. I always thought people cut to feel pain, but they don't. They cut to feel, and only now am I starting to understand how amazing it is to feel something after months of feeling nothing.

It's currently June 4th. Avi and his birthdays. My eyes flutter open and for a split second everything is normal. But then I remember and the guilt consumes me, just like every other second of every day. My duvet covers my whole head and I shrink into myself. My eyes find the present on my desk, wrapped neatly and pristinely. I bought it for Avi online a couple of weeks ago, it's something he told me he wanted but I don't think he told anyone else. I stare at it for a while, before heaving myself out of bed and dragging my skinny body to the shower. I have barely eaten these past few months, nothinng seems appealing to me. My mum told me that if I continue to go the way I'm going, I'm going to kill myself. Would that be so terrible? A life was lost because of me, I don't deserve the life I had. But there are two people that pull me back from the brink every time; Kirstie and Scott. They're trying so hard to get me back to normal, but they haven't realised how broken I am. It's too late for me, but they don't know that. The scars on my arm are hidden from the world, my escape route from the real world. They can never know. 

"Mitch, Scott is here!" Mum shouts up the stairs just as I exit the shower.

"Ok" I yell back down. Talking is another thing I have stated to avoid recently. It's pointless. Talking is just more ways for people to pity me for something that was my fault in the first place.

"Mitch, come out with me and K. We haven't seen you in so long. We miss you, Mitchie!" I he got here two hours ago. He's just been sat on the bed, talking to me and playing with shake my head slowly, a small squeak coming from my mouth. It's the first noise I've made since the corner of my bed. I am so grateful for Scott. He doesn't push me into talking, like Kirstie does. He sits and he updates me on his and K's life and he tells me stories but he doesn't expect a reply. He just wants me to have company, and so far I have loved every second of it. For some reason, when Scott is around, I feel safe. I listen to his voice and somehow everything is okay again, just for a while.

"Scott," I whisper and he looks up from his lap, his blue eyes brimming with tears. 

"Please don't cry Scott. I'm broken, and you can't fix me. I love you, and I love K, but things will never be the same. I killed Mi- him. I can't take that back, Lord knows I can't. So please, for the sake of your time, stop trying to get me to come outside!" 

"But Mitch-"

"Scott! I said no! Now please, just leave me alone. Please?"

"We're trying to help you, Mitch. We're your best friends and you wont let us fucking help you! Well fine. I'm sick of this." He gets up quietly and nods before leaving my bedroom. The second he exists, I fall back on my bed. I don't want to cry any more, but I can't stop myself. I never argue with Scott. Never. But I did, and now I may have lost one of the only two people in this world that keep me breathing. 

I have never hated myself more.

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I was woken up by my phone beeping next to me. My eyes felt sore and my body was aching from the foetal position I fell asleep in. I was cryring again.

[Kirstie] - 14:36

Mitchie, it's Avi's birthday. Please, please come. It's not the same without you and I know you have that present for him.

[Mitch] - 14:38

Not likely. I don't know if you've noticed but Avi doesn't exactly like me.

I glance at the present on the desk beside me. I killed Avi's brother. My best friends brother is dead because of me. Putting it into full perspective now is making me realise one thing. I can't live with myself. The guilt is eating me from the inside out, and I don't want to live any more with that feeling inside of me. 

I'm not crying any more.

I'm not sad any more.

I'm determined.

[Mitch] - 14:46

I'll be there in 5.

What a perfect way to say goodbye.