If Only...(Scömìche)

"It's My Brother"

Trigger warning: suicide.

My eyes flutter open slowly and I'm greeted with a predominantly lilac bedroom and Kirstie's worried face hovering inches from my own. I try to sit up, but the pain in my lower back quickly changes from a dull ache to full on throbbing, not to mention the new bruises I had been given that evening. What time is it? Have I been here all night? How did I even get here? I replay the events in my head. I went to Michael's, just like every friday. He asked me to stay over, and I agreed. We had dinner, Michael and Avi had a row. And then he accused me of cheating, and he raped me. I recall the memory and immediately my eyes start filling up with tears, and before long I'm sobbing, my shoulders moving up and down almost rythmically. Kirstie had disappeared downstairs to get me some water, but as soon as she returns to her bedroom she puts it on the nearest surface and crawls into her double bed with me. No words need to be spoken, she just lets me cry. I nestle into her, my face in her neck as I cry into her shoulder, and she rubs circles into my back. I hear her faint sobs too, and in that moment I feel awful. I'm worrying her, and I have't even told her what happened. I can barely process what happened myself.

After about half an hour, my sobs begin to subside and Kirstie sits up in her bed. I try and do the same but the pain that appears to be everywhere in my body overwhelms me and I lay back down again.

"Kirstie, how did I get into your room?" I whisper. My headache isn't ready for normal volume speaking just quite yet.

"You phoned me last night, and you mumbled something about Michael. Then you didn't speak. I ran the way from here to Avi's house, and you were lying on the pavement half way down the street, and I didn't know what to do. You looked so broken, I just sat there and cried. I was panicking, I had to keep checking your pulse to make sure you were alive. I'd left my phone at home, so I propped you up against a car and ran to the closest house, begging to use a phone. It was midnight, and the lady who lived there was not pleased that I had woken her up but as soon as she saw my state she let me in and let me use her phone. I called Scott, and he picked us up and brought us here. He wanted to stay the night to make sure you were okay but I made him go home. He's worried, he's coming this afternoon to check on you" I'm frozen for a second again, before a few tears travel down my face.

"Th-thank you Kirstie. I love you"

"I love you to. Now please tell me what happened because I'm going insane with worry," So I explain every detail of the last month up until I left the house last night. I try not to cry, and I do well until I have to explain last night. Then I sob again. The memory of his desparate, rough hands touching me. His chapped lips kissing me. The memory alone causes the flood gates to open in my eyes, and it's not long until Kirstie is crying. She's always been empathetic and it's a quality that I've always adored and wished I possessed. She tells me it's a curse more than a blessing but I don't know how she could possibly think that. Caring a lot is something I am not used to.

"Mitch, why didn't you tell me? You promised!"

"He threatened me, Kirst. He told me that if I told anyone, he would make up obscene lies about me to Avi and make everyone hate me. I don't want my friends to hate me, they're all I have. You have to understand, K." She nods silently, showing that she does in fact understand.

"I'm sorry that happened to you baby. You don't deserve it, and I'm going to murder Micheal. But first, we need to call Scott, and then Avi," I immediately panic.

"Avi? Why do we need to call Avi?"

"He needs to know what happened. Michael is his brother! He needs to, andI'm putting my foot down, okay?" I shake my head violently, but it's no use. When Kirstie puts her foot down, she doesn't budge. She's definitely not a pushover.

"Scott? Mitch is awake now, just thought I would let you know. Oh, uh, I'll ask. Mitch, do you want Scott to come and see you?" I nod slowly. "He said yes, see you in a little while. Mitch, I'm just going downstairs to speak to my mum, okay? She knows you're here and of course she doesn't mind but of course I need to explain." she runs downstairs and I strain my ears to listen. I hear the words "Mitch", "hurt", "Scott" and "visit", but not much else. Soon, she is at my bedside again and dialling Avi's number. A few tears fall out of my eyes, but not as many as before. I think I'm all cried out. Kirstie puts the phone on loudspeaker and sits on the edge of my bed so I can hear.

"Kirstie? Now isn't really the best time." He sniffs when he answers the phone.

"Avi? What happened?"

"It's my brother" He sniffs again, and I hear a couple of light sobs from his mouth. 

"He killed himself."

Sorry.