If Only...(Scömìche)

It Should Have Been Me (Part one)

Two weeks ago I lost my boyfriend. I've barely slept, barely eaten. Barely moved. Life moves like clockwork now. I get up, do the whole "I'm happy I promise" charade, first with my mum in the morning, then at school with my friends, then at home again with my mum. But I get to my bedroom and it changes. I cry for a while, listen to some music, maybe catch up on homework. I've tried to speak to Avi a few times since it happened, but after my speech at Kirstie's house, he has completely ignored me. I don't think he believes me. I've barely spoken to Kirstie or Scott since, and Kevin has been with Avi. The guilt is killing me, every word he's uttered seeping under my skin, into my brain, pulling my head apart. Every day, the guilt feels more and more real. I don't feel pain, I don't feel joy, I don't feel sadness. I just don't feel. Nothing affects me any more. Guilt does that to a person, I've noticed.
"I bet you miss him" person after person tells me. They don't know what he did to me. They can't know that I don't miss him. They can't know that I'm glad he's dead. That thought alone scares me. The relief makes me feel worse. He had a family, he had friends, and I'm here, happy that he's not alive any more to hurt me. He may have beat me, and raped me, but I am one person. One selfish, despicable, awful person. It's my fault he's dead, when really it should have been me. I hate myself more than ever before. I'm numb. A mother lost her son because of me. A boy lost his brother, and people lost their friend because I was too selfish and pathetic to take a beating.

It should have been me.

This was sad oh.

Sorry it is both short and late, I have mock exams all week and I've been super busy, plus I was at my boyfriends house all weekend so I haven't really been able to do it. But I hope this was okay!

Love always,

Georgie