My PaperShop Girl

9~ I can't loose her

Y/N ~ Your Name
L/N ~ Last Name
TW: mentions of ending it, and Mental thoughts
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October 31st. 3:39am
Dear Diary,

Sorry to write so late, but i can't see straight right now. From the tears in my eyes, to the alcohol working recklessly at my brain telling me to forget how to act, and to let loose and shout my emotions out to everyone. You may not be able to understand the sentences i am stringing together because of the amount of staining upon this page, but i think thats the best for me, knowing no one who reads this will be able to understand what im on about.

When i began to read about love and begin to fantasise about future relationships, no one told me the consequences loving someone would have on me. The words Jacob said to me hurt alot, he didn't mean what he said, he didn't under the impact speaking on a topic so small as family would have on one individual. The alcohol was making him say all those things to me, i know it was; you know what they say though, drunk words are sober thoughts. I can't help but wonder if he thinks all those things about me. Love is a painful topic, some may never find it, some may be so intoxicated with the feeling of love that they do things they never would normally do. As for me, i've never felt a sense of love before. Not with a friend, not with my parents, nothing. And it hurts knowing the one person i could of saw myself with, saw some sort of love in, has left me with nothing but pain. And i can't blame Jacob, i'll never be able to blame Jacob. And thats what hurts the most.
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Jacobs words stung. And when he slurred out those comments about Y/N's parents, she couldn't help but feel a small part of her had been stabbed, almost been wounded. This kind, caring boy she had yet to know, had yet to understand could be so cruel as to say such things about her family life.

Yes. He didn't know anything about her parents, because for all he knows, her mother works in a small bakery a few streets down, and her dad goes out for work and returns back every other week. She never wanted to get into the full story about her real dad, and her moms state.

Jacob's POV

As soon as those words left my mouth i saw
Y/N's eyes widen. She looked hurt, and the feeling of betrayal was written all over her face. I couldn't help myself but carry on what i started. I couldn't stop, the words just forced themselves out and i couldn't hold them back.

When she left for the cab a slight tear fell down my cheek. "FUCK" I shouted, hoping that my words would stop the thunder from coming down. How could such a good day turn so shit because of this shit fucking alcohol? God im so stupid. She looked distraught by my words about her parents, but, she never told me about them, nothing bad about them. Surely it couldn't be so sensitive.

"Where's Y/N?" The lads asked as i finally trotted my way in, falling into the walls and stumbling to keep myself up. "She left" I murmured. I couldn't tell them. Surely i can't
"How come she never said bye?" Tom asked coming up to me. He knew something was up, the way he looked into my eyes, and the ' I know something had happened' look he gave me.

"We-" I breathed out. I have to tell them. Oh fuck i have to tell them. "We, um, we got into an argument, and i think i said something i shouldn't, i don't know though, I just was angry at Jake for the dare, and i took it out on her. FUCK WHY AM I SO STUPID" I shouted the last part into Noahs shoulders as he came kver and engulfed me into a hug. "Hey, it's going to be ok, look" He said grabbing my face and making me look at him dead in the eye.
"Sleep now, shower, do whatever you need to do. Tomorrow we have another gig, write a letter, or a song or go visit her on the weekend. Explain it to her, it's the least you can do" He explained.

Everything he said made sense, but now it's what to do. I have to see her, and i have to write her a letter. I have to explain what i was feeling and i have to deliver it. I can't loose Y/N not today, not ever. She's the one, i know she is. I feel she is, i felt the connection. I felt it when i sung to her.
"I can't loose her" I said into Noahs hug as he held me. I never showed emotions to the lads, i can't be mad at Jake. I should be, but it would tear the band apart. We have to figure this out.

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And now we come to the worst part. Mom's been rushed to hospital. I blame myself, i shouldn't of gone to this gig. I shouldn't of pushed it and gone to the after party. Mom isn't well, i know that, and i think you do too. She's hurting bad, she can't show it, but with what Kate tells me, and how she has acted the past year or two, i know it's not long. I can't help but feel responsible.

I can't control how life is, or how life works. I think it's cruel how the world can take away the life of someone innocent, yet give chances to people who don't deserve it. Who use their life for wrong, people like murderers, people like my dad. My mom has done nothing wrong, she just wants the best for everyone. For herself, for her only daughter. And yet here she is, being taken away from me. I can't bare it anymore. It hurts too much.

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"Hey, your mom is strong ok, she's going to get through this. You have me, you will always have me, i'm here for you" Kate said as she held my hand by the hospital bed of my mother, who was sleeping peacefully. She looked ill, i mean, she was ill. But her bags darkened as you went further into the light, and her skin got paler as you examined her more close.

"She didn't have long"

"She's not going to be here long"

"Forget everything Y/N"

"Give up"

I can't be having these thoughts. No i can't. Not now. Not ever. But especially not now. I can't. I have to be strong for my mom. She'd want me to be strong. I can't let her down.

"I know, she has us Kate, she can't say it, but she appreciates you, she really does" I smiled at the poor girl who was missing her sleep to be here with me.
"Thank you" I whispered.

My head slowly rested down onto the side of my moms bed. She was still unconscious, or asleep, the doctors never told me which one. I began to drift of, hoping and dreaming for my mom to be awake when i wake. She has to be. She will be. I know she will.

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It's all going to be ok in the end. I know it will be. I have a small feeling it will be. Jacob was amazing, and i know that everything i felt with his was real, never forced. It flowed and i felt i could be myself around him. He was the one, i knew it. I felt a connection, i felt it when he sung for me. It was then and there.

I have to go now. I'm sorry and i'll try to write. I hope you understand. And im sk glad no one will ever read this. You diary, are the best.

Forever and always,
Y/N xx

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A/N:
Hey everyone, i updated again. I feel like these are getting more boring now, but yeah. If u enjoyed the chapter please vote and comment. Share with your friends if you so wish.

I love you all and happy Monday xx

W/C: 1393