Chapter 40.

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I don't know how long I think I'll get away with hiding my bandages on my arms, my legs it's easy I've never cut low enough that even a cheer skirt can't hide. 
My mom pleaded with me to see my therapist again. I agreed. 
Not for her, not for Chase and not for Lola. I agreed for the girl who fought so hard to be where she is now. 
I owe it that little girl with dreams so out of reach that she was always keen to jump to to do this. 
Every hurt, every trauma in my life I've never known how to deal with, maybe it's a coward way out, but this has been my outlet when times have felt unbearable.
But this time I almost ended my own life and that concept didn't scare me. That's how I know I can't bury it anymore. 
I don't want my final weeks at High School to depend on this. 
Chase and I have agreed on space it's only been a couple of days since I came back to school after everything happened. Chase needs time to process what happened and I need time to heal. I need time to be healthy for myself first.
I'd be lying if I said Chase's reaction didn't hurt. The way he couldn't handle having a girlfriend with issues stings a little. Contrary to the hate he's received from Lola I get it. 
Chase has suffered more loss than anyone I know, and I willingly almost added to that. Knowing he was the one who found me makes it slightly easier to understand the pain he feels. 

"It's okay to be mad at him Ally," Mrs Finch is a sweet woman, her voice is calming, her eyes are gentle, she doesn't mince her words but she listens and she cares. Her aubrun hair sits just about her shoulder with bangs and freckles. 
"I'm not mad," I repeat. Mrs Finch wants me to work on my feelings towards the people in my life. The good the bad and the ugly.
She tells me how important it is for me to move on to own my mind. We've only met twice but I already know I like her.  She looks like the stereotypical therapist with her note pad and pen leaning into her chair making notes as I speak. 
"We'll come back to that, why don't you tell me how you feel about yourself..."
I hate these kind of questions? I mean are they just trick questions to catch you out? 
"Numb..." Is all I manage to respond with and if she even asks why I'll scream. 
"You've been through a lot of trauma, from the pressures of dancing and your struggles with body dysmorphia, you dad leaving, the regular High School Pressures, what Charlie did to you..." She pauses. 
Being a dancer there was always this added pressure of looking a certain way. Your thighs had to be thinner, stomach must be flat. If you eat a burger you punish yourself for days later. And I did that. I'd spend my days stood in the long length mirror assessing my body, picking it apart piece by piece. Never feeling good enough, forever believing I'm disposable to the people who should love me unconditionally. 
"I think it would help if we really got these traumas out there, I don't mean talking about it move on. I mean owning your traumas, understanding what happened and learning healthier coping mechanisms when it all gets a too much for you." 
She's good.
"I want you for this week to block anything that makes you feel negative thoughts about your body. I want you to write a journal of everything you want to say to you father, to Charlie. To the people who have hurt you, just write anything you want to say. And do the same for your mom, Lola and Chase. They never have to see it but I would like too." She smiles looking at me for confirmation that it's okay.
Then I need you to write down every time you feel like you're sinking and tell me what you done to stop that. Do something you love, go for a walk, call a friend whatever helps." She hands me a pad and paper. "We're dealing with trauma, living with it, accepting it. You need be your own person and happy in your own life. " 

*********

The whole car journey home my mom can't help but ask my question after question about my therapy sessions.
I keep it simply reassuring her I'm prepared to work at it so this works. That seems to be enough for her. She smiles and nobs and for the first time in a while I really take in my moms appearance.
Dark rings beneath her dull green eyes, blemishes decorating her normally perfect skin.
She looks older than she's ever seemed before. Her hair is usually clean ad styled to perfection, if I'm being honest it looks like she's barely even showered.
"I'm sorry mom," I know this is a result of her worry and fears for me. She would never make me feel at fault or guilty, but looking at the woman who has given me the best chance at life as broken as he is. I know she needs to hear this even if she never admits it. 
"Oh sweetie, this isn't your fault."
She takes one hands off the wheel and squeezes my hand tight, "thank you for trying with therapy," I can see the tears forming in her eyes, the most sparkle I've seen in them this week.
"I'm going to cope better Mom," I reassure her and I mean every word. 
As we pull into my drive way I'm shocked when I see a familiar face staring into the windscreen.
His expression is unreadable, he looks like a lost little puppy. Tense, nervous and unsure of himself. Cowering for forgiveness after chewing it's owners favourite shoes. 
Mom looks at me with a knowing look, she's telling me with her eyes if I want him to leave she'll tell him. 
I shake my head, I'm ready for this conversation. Let's get this over with.

I climb out of the passenger seat and Chase eyes me carefully, I nod my head to the porch swinging bench before taking a seat I look to my mom who's reversing back out the drive.
I'm assuming she's going for a drive to give us some privacy. I appreciate that she neve over steps, she doesn't overbear me. Despite everything she gives me the trust and freedom I probably don't always deserve.
"Hey," Chase breaks the silence as he edges slowly to the free space near to me, I nod my head to encourage him to take a seat, he watches me carefully as he does just as I command. 
"Is everything okay?" I ask already knowing the answer to that. 
Chase shifts uncomfortably on the spot, "how are you feeling?" He finally asks. I take a deep breath. 
"I'm going to be okay," I reassure, I'm not quite there but I have hope for the first time in a long time.
He nods a couple of times and I feel irritated and I can't quite work out why. Maybe it's because it's been a week without speaking and he still can't find any words to say to me. 
Or maybe it's directed at myself for asking for space in the first place. 
Looking at the boy with the wild curly hair and the deep blue eyes I find myelf wanting to hold him close and tell him I'm not going anywhere. I want to tell him I'm sorry, but I don't. Because he hurt me too. We hurt each other.
"I'm so sorry Al," he looks ashamed of himself. He didn't want to react how he did, but he couldn't hep how he felt. 
"I'm sorry too," I mean it, I place my hand over his and he grabs it with the other bring my hand to his lips kissing from my knuckles to my wrist. I almost pull away but the way his soft lips take my hand makes me feel safe.
We're two lost souls who don't know how to be what the other needs. That's the reality of this tragic love story. 
Chase needs me to be strong for him to guide him through his anger, his frustrations and his equally lost mind. The truth is, I can't do that for him right now. Just like he can't bring me out of the darkness anymore than I can bring him out of his darkness. We're absorbed by it, with only our own fight to pull out of it. 
All I know now it, I don't know how to be someone who can save this boy. When I don't know how to save myself.
"I love you so much Ally. I was angry because I was scare of losing you." He's opening up to me now, his eyes are desperate for me to understand his point. I bring my hands to cup his face in my tiny hands, I whisper, I love you.... I always will. 
Chase brings his hands to my face and leans his head against my forehead, he knows where this is going and he closes his beautiful eyes in an attempt to pretend this isn't happening.
"I don't know how to be the girl you need me to be Chase, not right now," he shakes his head, tears falling down his cheeks. 
"But we love each other," he tells me with urgency which only reduces me to tears now too. 
Our heads are still touching our fingers are intertwined. I know when he's gone I'll still be able to feel his hands around me.
"How lucky are we that we got to fall in love our best friend over and over again..." I know this is what's we need, for right now at least. 
"I can't go back to watching you life in pictures Al, not now, not when I've had every part of you... I've felt your heart, and I need to keep feeling it Ally."
This isn't something I ever wanted to do, I'm not doing this because Chase didn't respond well to what happened. I can't blame him for that, however I am still hurt by his reaction. 
"Chase you're a senior about to embark on college life, this. Me" I pull away gesturing to my arms and legs. 
"I won't bring you into my darkness, you've always been my light but I can still see the look on your face when I woke up in the hospital.." 
"I was in shock," He shouts a little too loud and I stand up in response, I don't want this to become an argument.
"I get it Chase," I've turned my back to him now over looking my garden.
"But the truth is, it just made me realise I can't bring you along for this journey.
"I want to help you," he says in defeat I'm lot looking at him, but I know he's running his hands through his hair in despair.
"I don't wan you to help me Chase," I admit. 
"Wha-" "I mean," I interrupt him promptly.   
"I want to be sexy, exciting and fun in your eyes Chase... I don't want you to feel the need to mend my broken parts," I sigh and turn to face him.
I kneel before him, he's gave up fighting because he knows now he can't change my mind on this.
As I crouch before him I move his hands from his face, I need to see those perfect eyes as I tell him this.
"I need to be my own hero Chase. I need to face this fight for me. I can't bring you along for the ride because I'm not prepared to do that."
I'm begging him now, "I love you, but please... Let me be my own saviour."
He shakes his head a coupe of times, but its useless because he knows how much I need this.
"I want to be with you, for the rest of my life. I don't care how bizarre that sounds for our age. But Al, you're all I want."
I knew he'd make this an impossible thing to do.
The truth is, I never thought we'd end like this. Chase would be my first kiss and my last, that's how it was supposed to go. But now I'll have to live with the ghost of him because these two souls aren't ready to be the couple who kiss in the middle of a conversations, and laugh at old stories of the past. We aren't there yet.
"If you need me to walk away so you can come back to me, I'll do it. As long as you promise to come back to me." 
"I promise.." I really do. I will find my way to be with this boy for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry I acted like a jerk. I should have been there for you from the start."
I don't say anything else, I just kiss him. 
I can't help myself, his lips are always so inviting, the confession of love, the sincere apology, the promise to come back to each other.
Every single piece of my heart belongs to this dark haired loner boy. 
His hands cup my face and his lips part, allowing me access to his sweet taste.
His lips crash into mine with ecstasy and the way his mouth finds mine with urgency and hunger sends shock waves down my spine. He pulls away for a brief moment, taking in every inch of my face. He kisses my forehead, then my nose and sighs.
"Don't let this by our last kiss Ally."
He kisses my lips again, only this time our mouths are moving in slow motion savouring every single moment. 
If there was one thing I was certain of this would not be my last kiss with Chase. 



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