Something between Us

Chapter 30.

I don't know what I was expecting today but pulling into the car park and Tate stood by my usual parking spot wasn't what I had prepared for. He's waiting for me but I don't want to speak to him. I can hear Lola telling me over and over to ignore him. 
"Pretend he's not that he's not there." She's begging me to ignore him, she doesn't want me to be reminded of yesterday. 
We're not really on great terms at the moment. Lola and I. I'm still mad at her but I need all the support I can get right now.
I put my car into neutral and try and compose myself. I pull at my cheer skirt for some reason feeling slightly more self aware than usual
"You look fine," Lola notices in my discomfort she takes her hand to the high messy bun at the top of my head pulling my hair out of the loose up-do.
"Lets see those crazy curls and show Chase what he's missing." I frown, we spent the morning promising not to mention his name  she holds her hands up in defeat mouthing an apology.
I try to by pass Tate I climb out the drivers seat of my car and slam the door shut avoiding eye contact with the tool.
I laugh in my mind at my use of Chase's nickname for him. I never realised how fitting the name was for him until now.
"Ally I need to talk to you." 
I refrain from showing him any emotion.  try my hardest to ignore him.
Instead I keep walking through the crowds of teenagers waiting in their cliques for the first school bell to ring.
"Fuck you Tate, you piece of shit." Lola yells back, I raise my brow.
"What I told you to rise above I never mentioned anything about me doing that."
We laugh and she takes my hand in hers as we walk away
"I need to tell you something Ally. Please." He's running behind me to catch up. What more does he want to do? Ruin me further.
I snap, "you're a pig, leave me alone."
I turn around so fast I drop my black leather bag pack on the ground.
 "You knew Chase was there on the field, you wanted him to hear. And you knew nothing."
He walks closer to me, and my anger bubbles the closer her gets
 "I am so sorry for that Ally but right now you need to listen to me." 
He looks worried. Actually he looks terrified and I know I'm not going to like what he has to say already.
 "People in school know." He tells me with regret, he looks ashamed, his face filled with remorse.
My whole body crumbles. What? I don't understand what he's telling me right now.
This can't be happening.
I hurt him that much he told our school friends. The feeling of betrayal is like nothing I've ever felt before.
"I'm going to kill you," I scream. My body lunges into the air, the way my hands smack off his chest you'd think I was someone who's trying to escape a mental institution.
I don't know when I became so angry and agressive. I hate what this is doing to me. I feel like a shadow of myself.
"You're pure evil," I don't know when I started crying.
 I loose all energy to fight against Tate's chest and try and push past his strong arms.
I can hear the whispers.
'she slept with Charlie...'
'Poor Chase...'
'She's a slut.'
"How could you do this to me?" I thought he understood what really happened? Is this his sick version of revenge. 
"It wasn't me Ally. I didn't tell a soul." I actually believe him. Then who?
I want to scream and tell them all the truth, but what good is the truth when it'll only hurt Chase even more.
I notice him in the corner of my eye.
He's watching on as the commotion unfolds he can see me crying practically attacking Tate, and I'm sure he can hear the whispers too.
'She lost her v to her boyfriends brother.'
He doesn't say anything. I don't know why I was expecting Chase to defend me or to tell people it's not true. He doesn't believe me himself. 
I must have convinced myself after last nights conversation that he believed me, the look in his eyes tells me he's done with me, and he wont be coming to my rescue.

I can't stand the whispers.
I can cope with rumours I know that comes with the territory of High School.
I tried so hard to repress my past but now its out there it's open for people to dissect without any care for the truth. 
Everyone knows what Charlie is but everyone is so quick to believe I willing gave myself to him.
The power of manhood I suppose. The woman is always the dirty whore who asked for it in the eyes of judgmental societal bodies.
Lola tries to convince me to go for lunch, I decline.
I can't bare the thought of sitting in a busy cafeteria with everyone's judgment.
Having their own versions of the truth going round their lunch table.
I don't want to see Chase sitting as far away from me as humanly possible hearing teenage gossip only to fuel his hatred for me more.
I manage to convince Lola I want to be alone in the Auditorium, she reluctantly agrees and I manage to find peace in the silence.
My mind wanders from Tate and how I miss judged him so much.
I was convinced he wasn't the cringe stereotype jock that treated everyone how he wanted with no worries of the consequences of his actions.
To Chase. He was so talented in the art of pushing me away and I held on to my secret too scared it would crush him and make him leave again. We're always running from each other. We're never listening.
I misjudged his ability to accept and listen to the truth.
The truth is I never even gave him the chance to show me how he'd respond. 
I was convinced he couldn't handle it. But maybe it was me that couldn't handle the truth.
I think about Lola, and how she envisioned this unfolding and tried to warn me but I didn't want to hear it. I think about my squad, will they respect me all the same. Will they listen to the rumours without asking me first or will the ask me for my side of things.
Will I always be the coward I am today that won't tell the truth.
"Benson."
For the love of God can't someone give me a God damn break.
"Leave me alone Tate." I should have taken Coaches advise.
I should have went home when I had the chance and hid away from the world properly.
"Why do you want the whole school to think I'm something I'm not."
I sigh needing answers but not wanting them from him either.
"I've been a real dick Ally. But I didn't tell anyone. I won't lie,"  He looks at his feet.
"If you hadn't told me the truth I probably would have." He looks ashamed to admit that.
I don't want to look up at him I want to evaporate into the theatre chairs and disappear.
"I was a Freshman Tate," I sigh, "how can anyone even for one second believe I willingly done anything with him?"
I can't hold my tongue but I know I should considering the company I keep.
"What really happened?" I opened this can of worms and now Tate want to know everything.
"Forget it Tate. I just want to know who spread this rumou."
I quickly counter act my earlier words realising he isn't the person I want to be having this conversation with.
"Ally," he's concerned, and when I look up at broken I'm looking at the guy I thought I knew the last few years and for the first time in months he resembles the old Tate.
"I swear I'll find out. But please, talk to me Ally"
I shake my head repeatedly, "I can't,"
I manage to choke out the words, but I'm sure they're barely auditable.
"You really want me to talk to you about the worst day of my whole entire life?"
I ask him, I think I've lost the energy to fight away my secret.
"I just need to know. We cared about each other once Ally. Let me be here for you,"
I look at him, watching his puzzled face come up with the correct conclusion, regret, anger, despair and sympathy wash over him immediately. 
I know we spoke out on the field yesterday but I never out right told him what happened. But now he's ready to say it.
"Charlie forced himself on you when you were a Freshman. Against your will.." He's not asking, he's stating a fact he's now come to know on his own.
"The whole school already has their own opinions of my past, so just eave it alone Tate," I warn him grabbing my things as I walk past him out of the stalls.
"Chase has a right to know the truth." I laugh, turning around.
"And I had a right to tell him on my own terms." Tate dips his head in shame.
"If you didn't cause this drama I wouldn't be sat here right now. The whole school wouldn't think they knew what happened with Charlie and I wouldn't have to accept one day I have to tell Chase his brother tried to rape me." I'm sobbing in the empty room.
"I had made peace with what happened to me," I lie, "I was ready to move on from that. But now it will haunt me forever." I tell him. 
I walk away but before I do  tell him one last thing, "You might not have started this rumour but you sure as hell helped create it." I walk away. Tate knows the truth and I don't care I just need to be away from him.
He tries to follow me, "Ally I am so sorry."
I ignore his attempt at redemption.  I'm not here to make someone else feel better for their wrong doing.
"I'm sick of men thinking they can control me and use me as a pawn in their own twisted games." I walk away again this time not looking back.
As I leave the auditorium I notice the curtains twitch and when I double take my eyes notice a pair of worn white converse beneath the gap between the stage and the curtain.
My heart knows he heard that conversation, and my mind worries for what happens next.