Something between Us

Chapter 32

Chase pleads with me to tell him everything about that day.
He wants to understand what I went through. He wants to help me move past my trauma.
I never believed I'd ever be ready to tell him but the calmness of his voice and the careful way his hands hold mine and the way his eyes express nothing but regret and sorrow, encourages me to finally confide in my safe place. So I tell him everything and Chase finally learns the reason I never wore a leotard again.

He takes my small hands within his and holds them with a tight grip. His thumb rubs my soft skin in gentle circular motions.
I eye him with caution waiting for the truth to break him but he's calm, waiting for me to speak. I tell Chase how I came to be alone with Charlie and his face twists with anger.
When he hears I ran to see him after a dance rehearsal but he wasn't home Charlie was.
"He told me he'd call you. And I knew you'd run straight home to me if you knew I was waiting for you. I know you would have rushed home."
He nods but he never got the call, and that very fact shocks his core.
"I'd have came straight to you," he tells me with tears streaming down his cheeks.
I want to tell him it's okay but I can't I need to keep going with the conversation because I desperately want it to be over.
Chase looks at me closely as I tell him what I witnessed.
"Charlie was shoving a girl, they were arguing it looked intense," Chase doesn't interrupt me as I tell him I witness the ordeal and how Charlie spotted me, which was his motive. But part of me thinks he never needed a motive.
I tell Chase how Charlie wanted to frighten me to scare me into silence.
 It clicks in his mind, "in my room?"
He lets go of my hands immediately.
"Fuck- I can't" his eyes are closed and he brings his hands to his hair clutching at the loose dark waves.
When he opens his eyes he's looking at me closely.
"Shit sorry Al- I"
 - "It's a lot to take in I know."
I accept it's hard to hear. I know his reactions aren't from a place of anger towards me. He's fille with sadness and regret.
"That's why your dad replaced your bedframe, mattress and bought you new sheets."
I tell him forgetting we hadn't quiet got to his fathers place in the story.
"My dad?"
He questions but I choose to ignore it. I'm silent for a moment trying to find the words in my scrambled mind.
"Please," Chase takes hold of my hands again the same way, and I know I have to continue.
"He threw me into the bed," I shudder at the memory, "he ripped my tights and pulled at my leotard,"
"Is they why you don't we" - I nod already knowing the way that question ends. 
We never get intimate in Chases house because of the memory of that day.

When I'm silent a moment too long Chase pleads with me to keep going.
Like he's assuring me he's not going to loose it.
"Are you sure you want to hear this?" I ask him and I can see his anxiety growing by the second so I rip of the band-aid and I share with him how the events unfolded.
From Charlie throwing me onto the bed with force, and how I squirmed underneath him trying to break free from his strong hold, but I was too weak, I was no match for him.
"He bit down on my lip and then my neck, he done it a few times," I try not to cry again.
"He done it till he drew blood and left marks on my skin."
I wince and subconsciously bring my hand to my neck, Chase holds back a gag. "I honestly thought he was going to rip a chunk of my skin out, and when I pushed him, he slapped me pretty hard." Chase shakes his head, I think he's trying to push back the sick I can see surfacing within.
"Then he done the same, but on my breast." I wince. 
His leg is shaking like he's holding back the anger bursting through his veins.
"He wanted to dominate me, to violate me and I froze."
I feel shame in admitting to Chase that I became still beneath Charlie's grasp that I stopped fighting. Once the fear had sunk in he told me it's either right here, right now or I would spend my days wondering when he would take his next chance.. 
"He told be that there would always be another chance for him" little girl... The way he called me that still haunts me.
"How did, how-"  Chase can no longer form a sentence. The fats he has been bombarded with have over thrown his mind.
"How did you get away from him?" He finally manages to ask.
Flash backs of the moment I fled resurfacing.
I smile a little "my fight kicked in, I took my chance when he was most vulnerable."
He looks at me a little confused, a strange word to describe a predator like Charlie.
"He thought I'd submitted to him, so he let his guard down, he released me a little so he could," I pause taking a deep breath,.
"unbuckle his belt and pull at his zipper, that's when I bolted. I managed to slip away and I ran straight for the door."
I can see relief flood through Chase, and then his dads role is made known.
He doesn't seem mad that his Father knew. He seems relieved to know that my dad made it home at the right time.
"That's why he kicked Charlie out."
I nod and Chase shakes his head, "why wouldn't he tell me."
I snap I rise to my feet and let go of Chases hand. 
"This isn't about you Chase, or your dad. This happened to me. I wanted to keep it from you. NO one else."
I remind him and he looks guilt ridden all over again.
"It was my decision to make and I chose to keep it from you because I wanted to bury it."
I'm practically screaming at him now. Chase jumps to his feet and wraps his arms around my small body cradling me.
"I'm so sorry Ally," -
"That's why I wouldn't see you for a week. I said I was sick." I sniff into his chest.
"I knew you'd be able to tell something was up and I had to wait for the marks to clear up." Chase shushes me, and rocks me in his arms kissing the top of my head repeatedly.
"I'm sorry this happened to you baby."
 Every outcome I had envisioned from this conversation ended in anger and arguments.
I'd misjudged Chase's trust in me and his level of compassion.
In return wrap my arms around his protective body and we stand their holding each other.
Finally accepting our secrets from the past and sharing them to each other.
Maybe this is what love is. Knowing every single one of the other demons and holding them closer for knowing.

The dance hall is silent for a while.
Chase is sitting up with his back pressed against the wall his legs spread apart leaving room for me to lay between with my head resting against his chest.
Our hands stretched out as out fingers dance in the air together.
We're both mulling over the conversation. I feel a little lighter having finally shared my ghostly hauntings with him. I can't quite work out where this has left Chase in his min. 
I know time will tell.
"I promised to protect you, always."
He finally clears his throat and speaks.
"I should have protected you better."
His anger is directed at himself. The self loathing has officially kicked in.
I sit up and turn my body to face him crossing my legs beneath my body to the side.
I take his sweet face in my hands forcing him to look at me.
"Please don't do that, you couldn't have known."
I try to reassure him but he turn his face away from my eye contact.
"He destroyed you, and I-"
I interrupt him immediately, "hey, he did not destroy me Chase."
I feel hurt that he could even think that.
"No one can destroy Ally Mae Benson." I tell him with pride. 
It doesn't work. Chase really does think Charlie won.
"Listen to me. I got away and some girls weren't so lucky. I'm stronger now because of that."
I remind him hoping this brings him some peace.
"How can you feel lucky Al?" I can tell he really wants to know.
He turns his head to face me again leaning his forehead against mine. I can feel his body shaking from the sobs and I wonder when I became the arms of comfort for the boy.
"After everything he'd done-"
"But there's a lot he didn't do Chase."  I pull away a little to look at his face and I smile at my sweet boy.
"You are the first boy to kiss me with sensitivity and caution," a glimmer of a nervous Chase engrosses my mind thinking back to our first kiss.
"You're the first boy to touch me with love and respect. You are my first and my only and he can never take that away from me." I finally find my peace.
"I got to do things on my terms, how I wanted to. When I wanted to."
I remind him and he nods looking straight into my soul, his hands are cradling my cheeks and the touch is gentle.
"He didn't get what he wanted, he never got the chance have me the way he wanted to." I tell Chase.
"Charlie hasn't tainted my idea of sexual relationships. He hasn't ruined how I see myself. I have an amazing life. He will never take that away from me. So, I'm lucky."
- "How are you so strong?" Chase asks with genuine amazement and curiosity.
"Because," I sit up straight and lean into Chase. "The second I show weakness I give him power to dominate and oppress me, I'm not about to feed him that."
Chase kisses my forehead for a while longer than normal and I think he's afraid to let me go.
"I know that for every Charlie in the world, there's a dozen Chases."
I whisper into his neck as he pulls me back into his arms to hold me closer once again.
"I should have listened to you sooner," he whispers into the darkness.
I don't respond because I know a life of should haves, could haves and would haves is futile.

There's something truly liberating when you finally let go of the demons that have been dragging you down. Attempting to wreck havoc on your already chaotic life.
I feel pride in accepting my trauma. Owning it and not letting it dictate how I live my life anymore. I always felt like a coward for not coming forward. Maybe I should have, but now I know I'm far from a coward. I survived the clutches of sadistic monster and I'm still standing. I live my life to the fullest. For a long time it dragged me down and I thought this storm was going to engulf me so many times. But it didn't. 
There's a pleasure and a peace in being around another person who accepts all the pain and sorrow but doesn't use it against you.
Instead, they take the time to understand your struggles. Respecting you enough to listen to all your mind has to say.
That is the version love I choose to have. This is the level of love I want to keep.
"Can you promise me something?"
"Anything," he responds immediately.
"Please don't look at me like I'm a broken doll that needs fixing now that you know," I tell him, "because I don't need fixing. I put myself back together."
 Before Chase can respond I speak again, "and don't treat me like I'm fragile," I sigh.
"I always want to be your Al. I always want you to look at me like I'm your Al. Not the girl that was sexually assaulted."
He shakes his head a couple of times.
"I will only ever see you as my Al. The bravest, strongest and sexiest girl I've ever met."
He means it, I can see it in his eyes blue even in a dark room like this.