Now or Never

Chapter Fourteen

Something feels off when I wake up the next day, that something has changed.

But what?

After getting ready for the day and waking up early enough to join Tobias in the training room, we walk side by side towards the dining hall for breakfast. We're both quiet, maybe he feels that something is off, too.

As soon as we reach the connecting bridge, my question is beginning to be answered; we're greeted by a small group of people surrounding the railing of the Chasm. I shouldn't feel shocked by the sight, but I feel nervous to see who they're about to pull up. Suicide is the quickest, "bravest" death that many Dauntless use to end their lives.

Though I don't know most of the members by name, I always feel a sadness that yet another life is taken from our world. Disgustingly, I think they're lucky for being able to escape.

We can't see it, but a few people pull the body over the railing and lay it carefully on the floor to examine. A few names are mentioned, but someone's able to identify it.

My hand automatically clasps tightly around Tobias's arm, guilt overflows me. I can't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes.

Tobias looks stunned, growing pale by the second.

"Four?" I ask softly, standing in front of him to block his view the best I can. Now I can see the regret written all over his face.

"I should've... I should've done more to help him," he mumbles loud enough for me to hear.

"Do you want to go back to your apartment?" I sniffle, wiping the few falling tears off my cheeks with my free hand.

When he finally looks at me directly, he shakes his head and pulls his arm free. "I need to go do something."

And like that, he's gone.

...

"Al, Al, Al," the crowd chants after Eric's speech. The same speech that's given at every Dauntless memorial, the same as Amar's.

I sit watching the mixture of drunk idiots and people standing around, unsure of what to do with themselves. From here, the side of the room, all I can manage to see across the Pit are a swarm of people yelling about a boy they didn't know.

I didn't know him either, but I still feel an enormous amount of guilt in my stomach; one weighing me down to this table top, my feet boulders on the bench.

The one of few times I chose not to go to work on time...

A heavy body lifts itself on top of the table beside me, taking the spot close enough for our shoulders to rub against one another. It's easy to tell it's Tobias, by the warmth he radiates and the quietness. Plus he smells like his usual musk of wind and sweat.

"I feel," I pause with my head bowed almost to my knees, "like it's sort of my fault."

He shifts. From the corner of my eye I see him replicating my body; slouching over with his elbows and against his knees. "His death has nothing to do with you, Mal."

"I know that," I sigh, "but I know I could've helped him. In one way or another."

There's a silence between us; somewhere in the distance a few glasses break and a giggling scream comes from someone by the edge of the Pit. Not unusual sounds for a Dauntless memorial.

"I know what you mean," he takes his hand to the bridge of his nose.

"When I went into work yesterday, they told me he was there before I came in. Not by name, but used his description. He was the only one visiting me without an appointment," the story sort of just flows out of me. Tears begin to well up in my eyes again.

"He came to me after stage one and was telling me how he felt so much like a failure. How afraid he was to become factionless. I told him," I hold down a sob, "that it wouldn't come to that."

I bring my body upward to push my hair back and wipe the tears away from my cheeks. It's never a good idea to cry in public here, or anywhere- it's a sign of weakness.

Tobias is watching me, the crease appearing again. "You didn't tell me. I was his instructor, I should've known."

I know he means well, that he could've helped Al like how Amar helped him during his initiation year. "You have a lot on your plate right now, Four. It didn't seem like something he would've wanted you to know anyways."

Silence again. I look up in time to watch Tris cross the crowd and into a hallway with her cheeks flushed with anger. Uriah runs after her. Who would've thought there would be something between them?

"Mal," Tobias intertwines our fingers, "you have to know you weren't aware that he felt this way. That there could have been a possibility that he wanted this to happen. We have to let the guilt we're feeling remind us to do better next time."

I can't help but laugh. A hysterical laugh, but the way he worded it was a little too out of character for a Dauntless. "I didn't know the Abnegation in you was still sticking around."

He rolls his eyes, his frown twitching to an almost grin. "Shut up. It comes out naturally."

I set my head against his shoulder and find our friends in the crowd; Shauna and Zeke are sharing a bottle while laughing together. I wonder how it feels like to have zero care in the world, just simply being happy together.

"But you know it, right? That there's a chance that you wouldn't have been able to save him?"

There's an understanding with Tobias that the suicides I encounter here go deeper than intended. They always remind me of when I found my father that night face down on the ground.

With my eyes still locked on the carefree life I wish we could share, I nod once. "Yes. I know."

"Mal?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I decided what to do."