Summer (BrightWin)

s u m m e r ; 23

Win's

Shallow. That's maybe the perfect word that describes me and my decisions. But to be honest I don't see it in that way. I decided not to show myself to Bright because honestly, I don't regret any of it. There's a time that I miss him and our small town but most of the time I just focus myself on the things that make me happy and the saddest thing is, Bright is not part of that. Maybe they are right. It was just an attachment after all. I was staring at the window of the car and we are from Bangkok. Marky was focusing on driving while my head rested into the tinted window of the car. I breathed heavily, tried to open the window a little and let the wind play my hair. I'm confused. Bright makes me feel that I'm special, He makes sure that I'm safe that I'm not worthless and when the world turns its back to me, he's ready to stay by my side and comfort me.

"P' Are you okay?" asked Marky who's staring at me from the mirror of the car. I look at him, gave a weak smile and nodded.

" Yes. Don't mind me." I muttered and looked at the tinted window car again. It's been months since the last time I saw him. I even ignore him on his blogs and his messages. I want to be alone and not talk to anyone. My anxiety was killing me and my mom was worried. I got fired from my job, I got humiliated by my boss, My anxiety came back. My whole life is a mess. A mess.

"P'" said Marky.

"Hmm?" I hummed but not looking at him. Marky stopped the car from a gasoline station near a convenience store. I looked at him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Marky breathed deeply and shook his head "I think you should see it yourself" and he continued driving the car. We are miles away from Pattaya and I wonder what's Marky trying to say. When I left Bright and promised him to come back, My system was filled with joy and happiness because I waited for him for a long time but when I got from Bangkok and deals with different problems. I didn't notice that my system was slowly filled with agony, I just let things fall apart because If that's what meant to happen, be it. Simple as that/. I'm tired of dealing with problems and dealing with people. Coward may sound but it's not. I'd done so many things but I guess it's not enough. I closed my eyes and eventually fell asleep. See you, Bright.

Bright's

"Aren't you hungry?" My mom asked me. I was lying on my bed and turning my back to her. My mom is a strong woman but I know, when she sees me, her heart was slowly breaking and I'm not numb to not to feel it. For the past months, I don't know what will happen to me. Therapy is painful and I always crying because of the pain but as time passed by, I get used to it and feel nothing.

"Mom" I mumbled and slowly sat to my bed

"Honey?" My mom replied and I just looked at the window where the sunbeams filled its light to the four sides of my room.

"Aren't you tired of taking care of me?" My mom eventually gazed and smiled at me. A smile that was sweet but inside of it, you can feel the brokenness of it.

"Why would I?" replied mom and she went closer to me. I experienced so much in this disease. Extreme hair fall loss leads me to be bald, my skin was pale and I don't eat too much and experience extreme weight loss. Every time I look at the mirror and see my self, I do nothing but hate it.

"I'm such a burden"

"Stop saying that, Bright." My mom furiously said "We can overcome this just please, help yourself" and now my mom is crying. I just stared at her and say nothing.

"I'll try my best, mom," I said and went back to my bed and covered myself with my blanket. I heard my mom slowly shut the door and when she's out, tears from my face slowly falling. I don't want my mom to suffer because of me. I'd rather die than seeing my parents crying and sad every day because of me. As I crying, I heard footsteps and I fastly fixed myself and pretending to sleep.

"Bright" my mom muttered my name and I slowly face her

"Mom?" I asked and I saw Marky on his side.

"Marky? What are you doing here?" I asked as I saw Marky standing next to my mom. I thought he's in Bangkok for a meeting.

"P' How are you?" Marky asked and I gave him a smile

"Not fine but that's okay. What brings you here?"

Marky didn't respond to my question and he was sweating a lot. My mom staring at her and trying to tell Marky something.

"Bright" A familiar voice eventually showed up and that voice was familiar

It's Win.

I stiffened from my bed when I saw him and I can't utter any words.

"P' I brought P' Win here because I thought you want to see each other again"

Win gazed at me with Pityness and I hate that. I don't want anyone to pity me.

"B-Bright, how are you?" Win's voice was shaking and tears from his eyes are formulating "I'm so sorry, Bright"

"Get out," I said with authority but not looking at him.

"Bright, I know you're upset—"

"Get yourself out of here" I stated once more but he didn't leave

"Bright"

"I said get out, can't you hear me? If you feel pity for me, I don't need your fucking pity. I don't want to see you so please get the fuck out of here" This time I shouted with all of my voice and my mom was in a state of shock as well as Marky. Win was crying in front of me, Looking down on the floor but still determined to stay.

"Bright please, don't make this hard for me" His voice cracked up. How he can be so cute even in this kind of situation. I'm happy that he's here.

"Really? Then go to fucking Bangkok and chase your unrealistic dream."

I want him to stay. I don't want to shout at him. I respect his decisions and I support him and his dreams. But I don't want Win to see me in this kind of situation and I don't want him to suffer too just like my parents. If this is the only solution. Win was struggling from his battle and I don't want him to be worried at me.

"P' That's too much" Marky added and I looked at Win who's crying and still determined to stay.

"It's nothing, Marky. You saw him? Take him back to Bangkok."

"Is that your way to avoid me?" asked Win in a low tone of voice. I'm so sorry, Win. I have to this.

"No. Now get out. Go to Bangkok and don't ever come here."

"Bright, please stop pretending" Win stated

"What did you say? Pretending? Can't you understand? I don't want to see you. I don't want any ambitious and self-centred person to be here in my room. You don't have money? Why? I thought you're a fucking professional? Ah, you're not professional, you're nothing but a failure"

"P' That's too much" Marky shouted and Win was sobbing

"Is that what you think?"

"Yes. You are nothing but a failure, Win. Just admit it."

"Maybe you are right. But every time I fail, God knows how I wish you're there and comfort me. But hearing those words coming from you, they hit so differently."

"Get out" This time, I threw all the things on my table near my bed and my mo trying to stop me. I gazed at Win furiously and that's the last time I looked at him.