Black Sheep

And where does all that fat go? To Mars?

"You're lying, right?" I stammer and she purses her lips. Please god- don't make me responsible for Victor's death, the repercussions, the consequences but above all the guilt of taking away something that mattered to Xavier. I don't want to be the sort of person who hurts others. I rub my arms, just the thought is making me feel repulsive. 

"Hun, I know that journalists tend to exaggerate sometimes, but I never lie." 

Exaggerate sometimes? Well, that's an understatement. 

She nonchalantly tosses me a bag of crisps as if we didn't converse about a dead kid tragically mangled by a bicycle. The Snow Queen's got some competition. "Xav's been through more than that, his mom moved away, didn't divorce his dad, dad was lovesick, sister committed suicide."

My eyes widen in disbelief and I cup my mouth. How much has he been through? Just how much can he endure? 

A dead brother. 

A dead sister. 

A single parent looking after him. 

A dysfunctional family. 

Pacific-ocean-sized grief. 

A broken heart. 

And supposedly no one to rely on. 

His problems make mine seem insignificant and here I lament daily oblivious to how much the people around me are struggling. Can I even call myself human? 

And what if I'm responsible for all that shit, what if I'm the reason he's hurting and breaking and locking himself away and caging himself in iron walls? Will I be able to deal with it? "W-was someone riding the bicycle?" I ask and Stella shook her head. "Not that we know off, plus Xavier won't speak of the incident. There's a lot of things that point to the fact that Vic was murdered- the bicycle coming out of nowhere, damaged autopsy reports, electricity blackout during a surgery. It's as if it was all planned and perfectly executed."

I bite my lip, a wave of relief washing over me yet I'm not convinced. What if indeed I was responsible for the incident? And the Whites shoved everything under the rug? I shake my head, No! I might not know what happened but I can and I will try to help Xavier. I won't crumble under the weight of the supposed guilt for being responsible for his death, but I will break down Xavier's walls. 

Princess Charming has a delightful ring to it. 

"Don't beat yourself over it", Stella assures me, snacking on a chip. "He's locked himself in a metal fortress which no one can ever get in."

"And what about out? Can anyone ever get out?" I kiss my lips. 

She shrugs offering me another chip. "We all tried to break down his walls, we just got hurt in the end."

I narrow my eyes. "We?"

She shrugs again, nibbling on a vinegar-flavored crisp making me feel like a stalker for vacuuming info about Xav out of her. "Sam, me, your sisters, a bunch of thirsty girls, a couple  cougars, married women looking for some spice in their lives - basically every dick-hungry female."

My lips form the perfect 'o' "wait! You said every dick-hungry female, how do you and Sam come in the picture and my sisters?" 

She stands us, tossing the empty crisp packet into the bin. Finished, already!? Damn, how big is her mouth? Mind you that's a party-sized crisp packet. And where does all that fat go? To Mars?

"We were his friends once-upon-a-time", she snorts, emphasizing the last 4 words. My heart aches, I know how it feels to lose someone, the day after my accident I felt like a part of me was missing - it still is. We only realize how much someone or something means to us when we lose it, the way I lost something the day of my accident. My therapist said it's my memories, but I know better, it's someone.