for you i tried the tough guy shit, on this bus i sit thinking bout you
liyahs pov
"so you were saying you feel...hollow?" the white lady says.
"yes." i respond.
"do you think that has anything to do with your constant on and off's with billie?"
"maybe. i feel like everytime she shuts me out it takes a bit of me away."
"what do you mean by that?"
"when im with billie i feel whole. when she hugs me, when she kisses me, when she calls me pretty. when she asked me to be her girlfriend that's the most full ive felt."
"and its went downhill from there?"
"yes."
"do you blame billie?"
"no."
"do you blame yourself."
"yes."
"why?"
"i feel too dependent on billie. i let her leave and then i let her break off my happiness. its not her fault. shes been through alot."
"but..so have you."
"yea but-"
"leave some room for yourself to heal. when billie goes off on her spree of ignoring you, use that as time to reflect on what you need. you need to heal just as much as she does."
"i guess."
"im proud of you aliyah. you've been so strong." she says writing something down on the paper infront of her.
"hah i probably sound so selfish right now." i say.
"no. you dont sound selfish, do you compare your problems to billies?" she says looking at the paper infront of her.
"i dont think so. what do you mean exactly?"
"you always put billies needs first. you solve billies problems first. you love billie first. its just billie. what makes her wants more important than yours? what makes you want to put her first? do you compare your problems to billies?"
"well i mean billies problems are more important than mine! shes a fucking celebrity! a big ass one too might i add and-"
"you're a celebrity too aliyah."
"yeahhh but....not as big as billie! shes been through so much since such a young age!"
"aliyah i feel like you're not understanding what im saying. i think billie cuts off communication when she's overwhelmed and needs billie time, it might not be a good coping mechanism but its her way to detach. thats her time to feel better, but whens your time? what do you do to help yourself heal? you obviously dont detach. why is that? how is that?" she says.
my coping mechanisms arent the best either. i take a quick look at my wrists then shoot a glare at the therapist. she has no idea what shes talking about. i detach! i dont only focus or rely on billie.
"i don't understand you." she says after i stay silent
"i dont understand this! arent you supposed to make me feel better? i dont feel better."
"you said it yourself you depend too much on billie, elaborate for me."
"its like..i only feel good around her."
"why is-"
"can we talk about something other than billie?"
"time is up darling. you did amazing for your first time! im hoping to see you again?"
woah. therapy is a fucking fever dream. it was mad confusing. she was just saying words. she doesnt know what shes talking about.
i slide into billies car and immediately feel a temperature change. it's different though. usually around her i feel all warm, but right now it was cold and dull.
"how was it?" billie says.
"im tired. it was alright." i say back
"wanna get food?" she says wiggling her eyebrows
"hell yeah!" i say back.
like i said, we are doing better. its just me. im having a hard time understanding if this is what i really want. billie has hurt me alot and im sure i hurt her too. maybe we arent meant to be.
"what?" billie says stopping the car.
"hm?" i say back confused.
"what do you mean we arent meant to be?" she says, her face turning red. i didnt mean to say that out loud.
"i uh.."
"look aliyah. i wanna make you happy, im trying to make you happy. im working on my communication skills and all that other shit. but if you dont want this, if you dont want us, let me know now so i can go back to being by myself."
"i want us billie. it just doesn't feel the same."
billie lifts her pinky up
"we will get through this though. until the world caves in remember?" she says. the temperature rises up like normal. making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
"until the world caves in." i say wrapping my pinky around hers.
its been off. thats for sure. ill work on it, we'll work on it. ever since that day at the hotel, billies eyes aren't as blue. her voice isnt as comforting and her touch isnt as soft. our stars aren't aligning.
normani says all new couples go through this time in a relationship. i remember when she was crying in my lap because she thought madison hated her. i guess that relieves a bit of worry for me. it will pass im sure.
i love billie. billie loves me. the world loves us. it will be okay.
AN
its so much easier writing shorter chapters like this :). reminder that it will be okay!
this chapter is a bit all over the place but i wanted to base it off of how my therapy sessions usually go. it's supposed to be a little confusing, anyway whatever. i love you! thanks for reading!
