AN shit in this book will not be happy for the last few chapters. like at all. i wanted to launch myself into oblivion writing them. im sorryyyyy its just how the book goes! i love you. enjoy. also, you wont be getting alot of billies pov lol.
tell me who you're loyal to. is it love for the streets when the lights get dark, is it unconditional when the rari dont start? tell me when your loyalty is coming from the heart.
liyahs pov
distance.
that seems to be the only thing between me and billie. i thought we were getting better...im pretty sure we were! until she started leaving late at night, closing the door to talk on the phone, avoiding every question i throw at her...etc. i should be suspicious but billie promised me greatness. i may be desperate but when you love someone all you can have is hope and unconditional love.
i continue to stare at myself in my long bathroom mirror. i came in here 15 minutes ago to pee. now in days i have to rush out the bathroom quickly after i do my business or else ill start picking myself apart. pointing out every insecurity that i think would make billie lose interest in me.
glancing at my phone i see its 6:50 in the morning. i heard my front door close at 2 am signaling billie was leaving. it woke me up, ive been up since. i stare into the mirror a bit longer. why dont you look at that! im getting fat!
leaning in closer...my face if covered in pimples and bumps, my tongue isnt as pink as usual...my mental health has dropped severely. i can't remember the last time i ate a full meal or even took a shower. i dont smell bad, i just dont smell like me. billie has definitely noticed.
she doesnt hug me as much..she doesnt touch me much at all actually anymore.
my fans have noticed. i havent dropped any new songs aside from a few love songs written so obviously about the girl who fell out of love with me. i havent posted any new pics. i havent went live. i like some posts from them sometimes so they dont worry but im sure they still do.
i talked to the therapist about it. her names maya by the way. maya says to give billie space and time...which i always do. i let her do her thing and i let her come back when no one else answers. i let her talk me into believing im something special, that she will change, that it will get better, that we will get better. we never do though. she knows she isnt trying for me. i know im trying too hard for her.
me a year ago would've
left billie
smashed the windows in her car
lit her house on fire
stalk her insta
interrogate every threat possible
but me right now...this liyah....i dont think i have the strength, mentally nor physically, to pick up a bat at all. i dont have the voice to speak to billie about it. i dont have anything but billies scent that lingers on my satin pillow case. all i have is her touch that keeps fire on my skin...even when shes not touching me.
its hard to explain. the love is still there, its just not where i want it. if i could turn our love into something i could physically hold and move it to a different part of our lives i would. maybe its a wrong person wrong time? wrong body, wrong mind.
i like to force myself to dream that im pretty enough for billie. that my boobs are perky and my ass is fat. that i dont have eye bags darker that the night sky. that my nose doesnt take up half my face.
i let a tear roll down my face.
how the fuck did we let it get to this point. i guess it's because we rushed right? she said i love you too fast. not too fast for me but too fast for the universe. too fast for the angels to process what was going down. i know my mom is probably shaking her head at me right now.
