As we fall apart

The Aftermath ~ March 2014

Stephen didn't bother pretending to look surprised when Ant showed up at his house the next day, propping the door open with his foot and nodding his head back inside to invite the other man in. Ant saw the resignation on his face, surprised that he looked so prepared to be on the receiving end of some anger. Worse still, he looked as if he didn't believe Ant when he explained why he was there.

"I thought I should come to see if you were alright," he said, shuffling his feet as they stood opposite each other in the hallway just behind the front door. It was true and it hurt to see Stephen's distrustful expression.

"Really?" he asked quietly, guilt written over every furrow in his brow. The only upside to the pain in his expression was that it reassured Ant that something was going on. Stephen couldn't act that well and he'd never looked so hurt.

"Yeah, really," Ant said, "So are you gonna tell me what's going on with you and Decs?" Stephen flinched, heading further into the house and clearly expecting Ant to follow. His shoulders were tense, hunched and tight as if he wanted to disappear into himself.

"You'll have heard it all from him already," Stephen said after they'd sat down. The resignation was back; maybe, having seen Dec's anger, he'd imagined the sort of stories the other man could have come up with. His head still reeling from what was happening, Ant decided to play along, against his better judgement.

"I've heard some of it, yeah," he said, hesitating to give himself a chance to back out. Sometimes you had to push people to get the truth out though. "All that tells me is that you've hurt him and not for any apparent reason. So, you might want to add your own side because from where I'm sitting, you're not coming off well in all this at the moment, Stevie."

Stephen closed his eyes. His face flickered; a permanent look of guilt and worry disrupted for a moment by what could only be fleeting hope. Ant thought the nickname had probably done it, convincing him for now that his side of the story would be listened to. He felt bad for the overwhelming anxiety that had embedded itself into the other man's demeanour though.

"I just want to know what's going on," he said more gently, "You know Dec – he always misses the bigger picture when he's frustrated or upset about something. And from what he said, I get the feeling that something's missing. Don't get me wrong; if you have messed up, I'm gonna be angry about it. But I don't think you have..."

"You're lying to yourself if you think I haven't messed up," Stephen interjected quietly, looking as if he hated himself for everything he was about to say. "I know how much what I said yesterday hurt him. And – he was the last person in the world who I ever wanted to hurt like that. So, I think it's fair to say I've messed up."

"You say that you've messed up," Ant said confusedly, "Why can't you just talk to him? Sort it out between the two of you?"

Stephen shook his head but didn't offer an explanation for some time. Ant remained stubbornly mute, refusing to break the silence first.

"I'm trying to do what's best for him," Stephen whispered eventually, his face crumpling in an unfamiliar display of frustration. Ant hesitated to comfort him, not knowing what the younger man needed when he was clearly so torn apart by what was happening.

"He needs you, Stevie. And you need him, don't you?"

"Of course I do," Stephen said, his voice fragmenting in the middle of the sentence. He shook his head, trying to tighten his resolve. "But he can get by with you there. He doesn't need me if he has you to keep him from doing anything stupid."

"He doesn't need you?!" Ant said incredulously, "It's both of us he needs, Stephen. And you especially. I can spell it out if I have to – he loves you and you love him. You've made it this far together and he doesn't want any of that to change."