As we fall apart

The Final Countdown ~ June 2014

The week slipped by all too quickly, not quite giving them the privacy Dec craved but letting the pressure ease ever so slightly.

The day of the final rushed up to meet them. It was easy to tell that it was the day because the regular camped out paps and journalists had been joined by a group of unfamiliar reporters. Dec had snuck a glance out of the window that morning, not surprised to see that their usual group of followers had almost doubled.

He was getting used to ignoring the attention he got every time he walked Rocky. The cameras were easy enough to block out but the questions took more work. People seemed interested in every aspect of his life suddenly, asking nothing about the final or any other work he had. It was too personal and invasive and it made his skin crawl.

Stephen had slipped out to go home and to some meetings a couple of times, even coming back one evening and announcing that he had tried a therapy session. Dec wasn't one to exaggerate but he could almost see the release of tension in the other man's shoulders, his posture naturally straighter and less forced than it had been in years. He wasn't so naïve as to think it would always be like this, but it was a step in the right direction.

He'd heard Stephen on the phone to Emma one morning too, recognising the easy cheeriness in his tone. They didn't talk about the fact that it meant he'd had to have looked at his family's response to all of it. It was hard to bring it up and Dec couldn't face being the cause of Stephen's mood dropping any lower again.

Dec found himself juggling different reactions from his own family too. It took an hour on the phone to convince his mum to tell him about any negativity that had come his way. It wasn't surprising, given their catholic heritage, and Dec clung to the desperate relief that his close family had never really batted an eyelid. Even this slight tension was nothing compared to the many times he'd imagined bringing a torrent of abuse on himself if he dared to come out. Comparatively, he thought he could deal with slightly misguided aunts and uncles.

It was hard to see any of that as a big deal when they had the rest of the country to deal with anyway. The nagging homophobia that he couldn't help but see when he looked at social media begged for his attention. He was constantly reminding himself that the opinions of random strangers weren't important.

Stephen hadn't even tried to look.

And as much as the wall of support was reassuring, Dec always found himself focusing on those loose bricks, the cracks in the façade that made it seem as if everything was okay.

It was daunting to be on TV again that evening, especially with it being the final. They always had the largest audience that night and, feeling exposed already, Dec felt like he could sense every single pair of eyes from the millions of people watching from home whenever they were live at the moment.

The thought of going on More Talent and being seen with Stephen was scary too. He found himself being more afraid of it being strangely awkward than the idea of being scrutinised by the audience. Their interactions on BGMT had been a security blanket for years, a time for the two of them to mess about and have a laugh without the stakes being too high. Now, it felt like they could lose some of that authenticity in a desperate attempt to draw less attention to themselves.

"I thought we might get out before they all turned up," Stephen said wryly when Dec emerged from the bathroom that morning, still towelling his damp hair dry. The younger man turned away from the window, letting the curtain fall back into place. The evidence of his bad night's sleep was written all over his face and it was like looking in a mirror. Dec had woken up constantly through the night, more often than not rolling over to be met by Stephen's gaze or catching the other man turning restlessly as well.