As we fall apart

Better Off ~ June 2014

Ali eventually interrupted their stand-off although it had largely been reduced to a silent affair as Ant visibly searched for something to say that would magically fix everything. Just seeing that gesture was reassuring in itself, although the warmth Dec derived from it paled in comparison to the bone-deep shock of hearing Martha talk so bluntly about what had been done. He'd never felt so much like a product before, like something that was there to make money for other people.

"I'll be in touch with the lawyers in the morning," she said, "I'm sure they will be on the same page with suggesting some sort of investigation into what happened. They've failed to do their jobs under a contract they signed so we have ways to get to them."

Dec nodded half-heartedly, letting Ant thank her for organising everything. Their conversation washed over his head, a wave of information that he was in no position to take in crashing over him and making him feel like he could choke.

The pressure ended when Ali hugged him briefly, clearly finished with both of them and ready to head home. He smiled faintly when she pulled back although quickly suspected that it was that flickering expression which prompted her to tug him in closer once more.

"I'm handling it," she said firmly, mouth pressed to his ear, "I've got this under control. And they are never going to work for anyone again."

Once it was just the two of them again, Ant wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leading them towards the exit to the offices. Dec let his head tilt naturally against his friend's side, knowing that Ant had realised this was the best thing he could do for the moment whilst there was nothing to say.

"What if he was better off without me?"

The downside to their proximity was the honesty it drew out of Dec. Ant almost stuttered to a stop at the question, struck dumb for the moment. And that only made Dec ramble more, digging himself further into a hole he had no hope of escaping.

"We weren't ready for this, either of us, but him especially. And it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me."

This did make Ant stop, pulling his hand back as he reached towards the lift button without pressing the one that would call it to their level. Before Dec could react, he had been pulled into a tight, almost suffocating embrace.

"Declan, you would both be miserable without each other," Ant said, his voice unwavering but tight with emotion. "You need him as much as he needs you. And there isn't a single hint of a chance that he blames you for any of this."

Dec let a few stray tears escape his otherwise steely façade, taking advantage of Ant's shoulder to hide the evidence from anyone who might see them between the lift and the car. He felt one of Ant's hands leave his back, just long enough to call the lift, but stayed pressed against him until the chime sounded from behind them.

Ant's hand pressed against his back as they waited out the short journey to the ground floor, his fingers drumming an absentminded pattern into Dec's spine. It was something to focus on, the varying pressure of his fingertips, and Dec clung to it like he would have chased any other distraction he was offered. The nausea was stifling, unavoidable, but he could keep it at bay if he didn't think about it too much.

"I guess you're not up to golf tomorrow?" Ant asked eventually, no hint of judgement behind the question. Dec could feel his expression morphing into something guilty before he said a word and Ant continued just to stop him from opening his mouth. "I get it, pet. Talk to him, alright? Spend some time with him and let him get your head straight if what I'm saying isn't working."

"It is working," Dec rushed to say, almost pleading with Ant to make him see how grateful he was. "It is working a little. I just – just need to hear him say it as well."