As we fall apart

Keeping Afloat ~ April 2014

Another weekend had come around in an otherwise featureless week. Stephen's birthday had passed as a taunting reminder of the routine they'd established; of always having the next day to look forward to when they'd try and spend some time together, celebrating how they wished they could for the real thing.

He'd felt like he was drifting for the last six days, arriving at the weekly milestone of another radio show without drowning and counting that as a success. It was a low bar, considering that a positive. After all, it meant he had to deal with Emma's attention, nothing ever going unnoticed.

Her eyes were trained on his ducked head. They often were nowadays, a question always on the tip of her tongue. He wasn't sure what stopped her from asking. She was always quite straight forward when it came to speaking her mind, honest, infinitely curious. It wasn't like her to hold back and just watch.

He flipped over his page of notes, reading over them without absorbing any of the words. It was easier pretending to do that than it would be coming up with something to say. Maybe that was Emma's tactic; not to say anything until he was forced to talk instead. She probably thought she'd get the truth out of him that way.

It was getting on for two months of this. The quiet, the probably very obvious moping, the withdrawal.

He was okay. He could handle things without Dec constantly at his side. He'd done it long enough before him. But it was hard to forget how much easier things had been for a little while – having someone to confide in, someone who knew every unfounded insecurity and how to stop him obsessing over them.

Dec had been a crutch for him to lean on from time to time and without that, he felt stranded. No one was an adequate substitute. Ant was trying with him; trying too hard really, considering what he'd put Dec through. And Emma was trying too, in her own devious way.

He hadn't looked up from the sheet yet and her gaze was still there; thoughtful and deductive. She'd probably figure it all out before he worked up the courage to tell her. He trusted her enough. He'd been ready a few months ago. Before everything went pear-shaped.

Now, when he thought about doing it, his mouth got dry and something lodged in his throat, making him feel sick with worry. He could hear his uncle, the people his uncle had told, every single one of them.

He was a disappointment to all of them. He was shaking Ant off when he was trying to help. And Dec? He'd really gone and fucked that up.

Suddenly, coming out felt monumental all over again. He was afraid of the judgement, wondering why he'd go through the stress when there was nothing worthwhile at the end of the tunnel anymore. He didn't gain the ability to be happy with Dec without having to hide it; he just risked losing a friend.

He couldn't handle losing a friend right now.

He came back to his senses firmly, shaking himself out of the thoughts he tended to get trapped in. His palms were clammy, hands trying to tremble as he rested them firmly against the tabletop. He knew he needed to ground himself when things got tough but he only knew that because Dec had told him. Dec's grip on his life was still so present, so stifling and yet, sometimes, still reassuring.

It was like mourning in many ways, only he couldn't see the point where acceptance was going to set in. Would Dec move on? Would he announce a relationship in a couple of years' time and come out proudly to the world? Would it be everything Stephen had never let himself imagine?

"Right, come on then," Emma finally said, sounding reluctant. "You win. I've been trying to get it out of you for weeks. Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Stephen finally looked up from the table, aborting the perplexed look he was going to aim for when he saw the expression on her face. The Emma he was more familiar with had returned, that no nonsense look in her eye, undercut by a kind concern that made it hard to say no.